Back in the saddle again

My friend Talena had a baby. Annaca Raine was born on Father's Day, June 17th. She weighed 6lbs, .7oz and is 17.7 inches long. I held her... she is this big ( )!!! I want one!!! I had all but given up on the dream.

Holding little Annaca yesterday just tugged at my heartstrings and made me realize that I am not quite ready to let go of that dream. I feel like I am close, but not totally ready. I do feel that God will resolve those feelings soon. I feel like I am close to an answer, I feel like I am close to either a baby, or acceptance that there are no more babies for us. Soooooooooooo....

I called the RE's office this morning and had them refresh me on my "plan of action". Rich and I talked this morning and we are going to give it all we've got for the next 4-6 months and if there is no baby then we will throw in the towel. Our kids are getting older every day and we don’t want a huge age difference. Also I have a little princess that is about to enter her pre-teen years with her younger sister right on her heals. I think that pre-teen girls have just about as much neediness as a newborn, and I don’t want to have to juggle both! I do not want to be dealing with the hormones of two teenagers and colic of a newborn at the same time. So I think that we will give it until the end of the year, and then Rich will go in for the big snip snip! I start temping again tomorrow, using the fertility monitor and call the RE’s office with ovulation. Then I will have an u/s to look and see what is going on in there at O time. At the end of the cycle I will have a biopsy to check the uterine lining and make sure it is in good shape and thick enough to support an embryo. Hopefully we will have some answers at the end of this cycle. She did review the HSG and said that the left tube is open but she could not tell about the right. I’m sure she will recommend to repeat the HSG, I’m not sure I want to do that, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. So I am a bit excited to get going again. The break has been really really nice though. No stressing, no temping, no POAS! I hope that I can go about this without becoming overly obsessed!

Rich and I are still in counseling. We are still working on things. I have had some deep hurts recently in relationships with friends and some with family. Life has been a bit crazy and overwhelming. A friend shared a piece of scripture with me yesterday that I printed and have on my desk: 1 Peter 1:6-7 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. I like that verse and I was looking at it today, I realized how close it is to the verse I have kept very close to my heart for the past few years in regard to my infertility journey, 1 Peter 4 12-13 Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. I guess I have to trust that one way or another God’s plan in all of this will be revealed to me and it will all make sense. I can’t wait for that day!

I was at Women of Faith last weekend and took the verse Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength. and Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." There have been many things that I thought were impossible this year. It has been a hard year. These verses keep me grounded and speak the truth to my heart when Satan is trying to take advantage of my weaknesses.

I will keep you updated on our progress.