My stat counter continues to go up... are you still coming here? Checking on me? That is sweet... and surprising. I have thought many times about something I want to write here. Things I should share, things I want to post... but I just never seem to make it here.
It's still raw.
It's still hard.
But there are good days.
And there are days that I don't think about a baby.
And there are days that my heart still breaks, and my soul still yearns, and I still lose my breath.
There are still Daddies pulling toddlers in little red wagons.
There are still babies at Kohls shopping with their mommies.
There are still strollers everywhere at the mall on a Wednesday afternoon.
There are still toddler bible song cassett tapes in my house.
Two weeks ago I threw them out.
I will never have those moments again.
*poof*
all the wind leaves my lungs... all the breath is stolen by those thoughts and by those moments
I went to my last day of kindergarten this week. Family fun day! My little Drew buddy sang his little songs and did his little play... and today I dropped them off for their last day of school. No more kindergarten for me. No hope of another family fun day invitation with a 6 year old's handwritten "Yippee!". I shake my head in disbelief, and another tiny crack splits my heart.
They grow up so fast. I cannot believe that in three short months I will have a 6th grader. I think that it is a bit harder to deal with that, knowing that I don't have another chance. Knowing that my baby days are over. Knowing that my kids are getting so big, and so independant, and growing up... and there will not be another little one for me to cuddle and love and take to their first day of school.
This is a healing process and I am still processing. I am healing, but still hurting. I wish that we could have made that decision, and all of the wants and desires for another child would go away. I wish that with that decision, all of the pain and longing would go away, but it doesn't. I'm not sure that it ever completly will.
4 comments:
I cannot relate to infertility issues, but I can identify with the longing to have another baby once the decision has been made to "not" have another one. My husband had a vasectomy about five years ago and I still get that feeling of "loss" or emptiness at times because I know that this stage of my life has passed. You are right, kids grow up too quickly and the baby stage passes with the blink of an eye. I believe that for some, letting go of this stage of your life permanently can be difficult, no matter what the circumstance.
I agree with the anonymous comment left. I've regretted having my tubes tied five years ago for about 4 1/2 years. I would love to have another baby to raise. Your pain may never completely go away, but it sounds like you are trying to continue on in a healthy way.
Yes, dear friend. I still check on you. I too can relate to the longing after the tubes were tied and the decision to have no more was made. It was a full five years before it was gone. I did not want anymore and became completely content with the 4 we were blessed with and that were growing up very quickly. I have no clue the reason why the Lord then called us to adoption 6 years later...but I know it taught me so much. Every day is a reminder of choices, blessings, and lessons.
You will in time heal....and someday you will "see" the glory that was revealed to you in this struggle.
Love you, girlfriend.
I think of you often and I stop by to see if anyone is home. I know you've moved on, but think maybe I'll catch you on your way through.
Missing on this journey. It's not the same without you.
DBug
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