God promises to send a rainbow after the storm.No news is good news? I'm not so sure. Sitting in this limbo of a 2ww (2 week wait) sucks! I am somewhere around 11 or 12 days post ovulation. If I were pregnant I may be able to get a positive pregnancy test. I have taken several, and they all give me that dreaded single line. Negative. BFN in the TTC world. A big fat negative!! Sure, many will say "It's not over until AF shows her ugly face!" Well for me, I feel like this cycle is over. Just waiting for AF to show up so we can move on to the next cycle... again. This is about the 43rd cycle that I have said, 'well there's always next month'.
Man am I sick of saying that.
My OB will do 2 more cycles of Clomid. Then she wants to move on to more testing. I'm really not sure what we will do at that point. Physically and emotionally I am tired. Tired of living my life two weeks at a time. Two weeks until I ovulate, then wait two weeks to see if it worked. I would like to think that each failed month makes me stronger, but it doesn't. Each failed month takes me farther from my goal of having a sibling for my children. A sibling that they would be close in age to, close in school years to... farther from my goal of having another child. Each cycle that ends in a BFN leaves me more bewildered and less hopeful that this will ever happen for us.
Just one more miracle Father, one more. "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Will his glory ever be revealed to me? What will it look like? Will it be two lines? Will it be two heartbeats on an ultrasound screen? Will it be ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes? Will it be a soft pink face peering up at me from my breast? Will it be a dark haired dark eyed toddler from another land? Or will it simply be Peace that surpasses all understanding as I look at my family of five and say Thank you Father, for I am blessed? What will his glory look like? How will it feel?
I can't wait to find out and share it with all of you.
My OB will do 2 more cycles of Clomid. Then she wants to move on to more testing. I'm really not sure what we will do at that point. Physically and emotionally I am tired. Tired of living my life two weeks at a time. Two weeks until I ovulate, then wait two weeks to see if it worked. I would like to think that each failed month makes me stronger, but it doesn't. Each failed month takes me farther from my goal of having a sibling for my children. A sibling that they would be close in age to, close in school years to... farther from my goal of having another child. Each cycle that ends in a BFN leaves me more bewildered and less hopeful that this will ever happen for us.
Just one more miracle Father, one more. "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Will his glory ever be revealed to me? What will it look like? Will it be two lines? Will it be two heartbeats on an ultrasound screen? Will it be ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes? Will it be a soft pink face peering up at me from my breast? Will it be a dark haired dark eyed toddler from another land? Or will it simply be Peace that surpasses all understanding as I look at my family of five and say Thank you Father, for I am blessed? What will his glory look like? How will it feel?
I can't wait to find out and share it with all of you.
Please continue to pray for me.
3 comments:
Oh my dear friend....I hear your pain and agony and so wish I had the answers for you and make it all happen for you. You are in my thoughts and my prayers...and I don't know how, but you WILL see His glory revealed to you. I am confident of that.
Kari...of course I read that and the tears came. Each month that passes has a sting when our dream, our wish, our desire, our most intense prayer isn't answered. I know we feel a lot of the same things, and that pain and disappointment I wouldn't wish on anyone...and my heart breaks more for a dear friend most times than it does for its own self. I wish there was something more than I could do...but the only thing I can do from here is pray for you, lift you up daily in my thoughts and prayers. You are my hero in many ways, you inspire me to keep my heart open, my faith strong and my prayers flowing. You have touched my life in ways I can't explain, but I know they were purposed by God. You will see His Glory...you will!
Love,
Hope
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