Tears from my heart

Well the double dose of Clomid is underway. I started taking it on the third day of my cycle as to try and trick my body to ovulate early. Rich will be home Fri, Sat, Sun and then he is off on a jet plane for 10 hours away. I have been hoping and praying that I ovulate before he leaves. I just have to trust that God knows all of the details and that if we were meant to get pregnant this month then God will see that gets done. He knows that dates, he knows the situation, and He will work it all out. If this is another month of no pregnancy for me I think I will ask my OB for a referral to a RE. We will have to see what the cost are to get going with a RE, then see if that is something that we want to do. I really feel like I am just running out of strength. January marked 4 years of TTC for us. I have been charting for over a year and each month I remember where I was the year before on that month, and I just feel helpless. I feel like there is no hope left inside of me for this to happen, and acceptance creeps in that we may never get to enjoy another child. It is an acceptance covered in pain and sorrow and regret, but it is acceptance just the same.

I just can't seem to understand it though. I ask God for another child and month after month he tells me "No." I just want to scream "WHY NOT!!!?" Why not? We are good parents. We are bringing our children up in a Christian home to know him and to honor him and to teach others about him. We love our children, they love us. We provide for them a good home, they have college funds. They have closets full of clothes. We pray together. We love eachother. On paper it all looks so good. We look perfectly qualified to have another child. So why does God keep saying no? Am I not a good enough mother? Do I not hug my children enough, do I not tell them I love them enough? Is is because I work outside the home? Is it becuase Rich is gone so much? Is that why God won't give us another? Because he isn't satisfied with the way we are caring for the ones we have? I just cannot understand it. I just don't understand.

I know I have to trust Him. I know that he knows things that I could not possibly know. Maybe if we had another child s/he would have severe physical problems that would be to much for me to deal with. Maybe God knows that it would be to hard on Rich to have a baby at home that he does not get to kiss good-night each night. Maybe God knows that Khloe would be extremly jelous and it would be bad for her. Maybe God knows... I know he knows all. I know that He knows what is best for me and my family. I know that He will do what is in his perfect will for us. I just wish my head would tell my heart.

I long to hold my child. I long to look into their eyes and know that they came straight from God. I long to smell her. I long to nurse her. I long to watch her grow. I long to see my husband holding that tiny baby. I long to see what wonderful big sisters and one excited big brother my kids would be. I long for a nursery. I long for tiny diapers. I long to watch my belly grow. I long to feel the child that Rich and I and God created move inside of me for the first time. I long for labor. I long for excited Grandparents. I long for the sweet smell of milk on his breath. I long for middle of the night feedings. I long for baby food and rice cereal. How long will this feeling last? Have I given up on that peace that I long for?

A baby, or peace God, this is the cry of my heart, a baby or peace, please...