As life goes on, I find it hard to carry on the norm. Our decision to stop here was not a fun decision. Our conversation was not a happy one. There were harsh words spoken, there were hurtful accusations, there were many tears. I was hoping that we would be able to come to a decision that both of us were comfortable with. That did not happen.
I am walking around in a daze. In a way, it feels like a death. It feels like I have lost someone so close to me that I loved a whole lot. In reality, it is simply the death of a dream. I cannot tell you how many times I have envisioned my babies face. My dream had a face and it was soft and small and pink with dark hair and dark eyes. My dream had a name. If it was a boy, his name would be Charlie. Drew and I picked that out together. If it was a girl her name would be Paige Elizabeth Grace. I have lived the moment that I would meet my child so many times in my head. I have smelled my child, I have nursed my child. I have played the scene of the moment when Kaitlyn, Khloe and Drew would come into the room to meet their tiny new sibling. I have imagined the looks of love and wonderment on their faces. I have pictured in my mind how I would arrange the nursery. I have decided to use cloth diapers. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could once again be a stay at home mom. I pictured days of enjoying my four kids out by the pool. I have a picture that hangs on the wall of 6 snowmen. Each snowman has our names on them, but there is one blank snowman, waiting for our fourth child.
For five years I have thought of this child and how it would change our family. For five years I have loved this child, my child.
and now.
nothing.
That takes my breath away. That sucks the air out of my lungs and makes me dizzy. It churns the bile in my stomach. It paints my world gray. It takes the sparkle out of my eyes and the laugh out of my soul. It takes away my hope.
I have always had hope. There was always next cycle. There was always another plan, another chance.
and now.
nothing. There will not be another child. There is no hope of that. There are no nurseries to plan, there are no names to pick out. There are no tiny pink and blue hats to buy. There are no questions of ‘where will we be this time next year? will we have our child? will we celebrate next easter with a baby?’ There are no more doctors appointments, no more calls from the nurse.
Outside, life around me stays the same. Inside, I am forever changed and I don’t know how I find blue skys again.
4 comments:
Still...all I can muster up to say to you is I love you.
Aw Kari - if only I could comfort you my friend. There is about 27 years difference in our ages and if "older women" are to "teach younger women" I can promise you - beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will see blue skies again. I knew you were dealing with a "death". Honey I have delt with so many deaths of so many dreams. I know the pain so well - so well that I had decided to never dream again - why bother - they just die! If anyone talked to me about dreams and goals a wall went up and I said "no not me. Not anymore it hurts to much when they die"! Then I went to Women of Faith Pre conference and cried all day! Do you remember? It was on Dreams! Unfortunately I have put the study aside due to exhaustion, travel, and illness for the last 3 months. I know I need to pick it up again, but I struggle again with hoping that any of my dreams will come true. Yet my faith is in God. I can imagine you have issues with HIM right now because I have had them too time after time! I told you once that even though you don't see it I know that God is growing you into a better person with a deeper relationship than you could have ever imagined. How do I know? Because that is what He has done with and for and in me over the past 40 years! After every horrible experience I found myself closer to Him and could not believe how much of Himself He revealed to me, and He could love me the way He does after I handled the situation so badly and was not very kind to Him. So don't make any other major decisions right now. Realize the mourning you are experiencing and remember the verses that say "and it came to pass"! This too came to pass. I promise. So just hold on. I pray God will reveal more of Himself to you and you will receive comfort and your pain will be eased, and He will walk beside you and behind you and before you. He WILL lift you up. Just hold on. I love you lots my friend. I remember a phrase that Sheila Walsh said at the conference. "Thank you God for everything that has been - and for everything that will be - yes" It is not what we say "yes" to it is Who! The One who loves us more than life especially when we cannot see it or feel it. The One who knows exactly what we need and does not always give us everything we want but always gives us everything we need. I pray God's richest blessings on you and your famly. Linda (Mom)
Kari, thanks for the talk last night, for making me laugh and laughing with me. It felt great and we got an abs workout as well. Even in the pit God is working through you. I am praying for you, loving you, and helping you carry this cross.
If ever there were two peas in a pod...we would be them...'cept we would be two crazy women in a hole but still :)
I hear you heartache and pain in every line written....so transparent and honest. I know this is hard. There are no answers to give. I am praying that someday you will see the glory He wished to reveal in this. For now, grieve the loss of all you dreamed and wanted...cry your tears.....and know you are being prayed for the day it will all make sense.
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