Adoption

When you start looking into adoption, all of the options can be a bit overwhelming. Domestic or International? Child or Embryo Adoption? What clinic will accept adopted embryos? White, brown, black? China, Ghana, Russia, Thailand, Ethiopia? What agency? Adoption Advocates, Adoption Associates, Dove, All God's Children?? Homestudy agency. Local or far? What are the fees? What is the wait like? How many times will you have to travel? How long is the stay? Can we afford this? Can we afford not to??

There are so many decisions to make, and all the while you just want to MAKE A DECISION and get on with the process!!

Rich & I both have taken this decision very seriously and prayerfully. When I first mentioned it to Rich I told him to really start praying about it. Every time we would talk for like two weeks I would ask him if God had talked to him yet?? Did he have the answers yet??? Then, on November 8th, God started talking to me.

Now when I say this...know that I am not the kind that thinks I can "hear" God in an audible voice. There have been very few times in my life when I felt 100% certain that God was nudging me to do something, and for some reason it's usually when the offering plate goes around. I will start to wright the check out and then I will "hear" God "nudging" me. It usually goes something like this...

getting my checkbook out, start to write the check
"ummmm, excuse me but that isn't 10%"
well I know Lord, but this week we are a little short
"put an extra zero on there"
and extra zero!!?? are you kidding me??
"I'm God, I don't kid"
but Lord, I don't have that money this week!!
"am I not God? do I not meet all of your needs? do I not provide all you need?"

So when I feel that "voice" of God, I really try to listen. On November 8th, Rich & I had both been praying about adoption for about two weeks. I thought surely God would talk to Rich first because he is a WAY better christian than I am, and well...I haven't been all that prayerful or even church-going-full over the past year. So when I felt that feeling...that one like God was talking to me...I really got excited. For about 2 seconds, then I started questioning myself and wondering if it was really God or just me, talking to myself, in my own head. In the end, God & I had a good talk that night. I was 100% certain of the answers He gave me. I knew what our next step was.
and then came the morning.
and the doubt.

We had made the decision to adopt from Ethiopia. After reading about a million blogs, and researching Ethiopian adoption I started my research on placement agencies. I sent some e-mails, requested some information and selected an agency. I felt good. I felt progress! Then I would read a blog about another family and wonder if their agency was better. I would send an email and request information. I would compare prices, procedures, trainings, etc... and doubt myself again.

Then I started to grasp the concept a bit more and realized that I needed a SECOND agency. A homestudy agency. And I started the requesting, the researching, the phone calls and the doubting all over again. One particular homestudy agency here in IL gave me the information that Ethiopia may be issuing a moratorium. Ensue MAJOR doubt and fear!!

At this point I start to freak out.
Can you even believe that I am freaking out about all of this stuff AND WE HAVENT EVEN SUBMITTED AN APPLICATION???

So if we choose international adoption, and that country issues a moratorium, all of our money and time is invested and we are on hold. NOTHING we can do about it. If that country stays closed, we lose our money. I never thought of this because WE HAVENT EVEN SUBMITTED AN APPLICATION and I havent even seen a contract.

So I'm freaking out, and I start to look into other options. Now remember God and I already talked this out. He already told me what to do, and now I'm going with plan B. I really don't think that God has a plan B. But plan A is scaring the hell out of me, and I'm freaking out, so I'm looking into plan B.

So I start looking into Embryo Adoption through Snowflakes. I had stumbled upon this blog many months ago and have been following their journey. This concept entered my mind and I did some research. I have read quite a bit of information and made several calls. You still use a homestudy agency and go through the Snowflake program to adopt the embryos. How awesome would it be to be pregnant and get to nurse your adopted child!!!?? I called our clinic in Springfield (who I LOVE) and they shot me down before I even said "Hello". They DO NOT accept embryos into their clinic. I was shocked. The lady was quite rude about the whole thing. I was so surprised. I thought it would be an easy Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). Just using someone else's embryos. After MANY phone calls, I discovered that it is not simple at all. Many clinics don't accept frozen embryos into their clinic. The thought of having to find a new clinic makes me nauseous. I have been through sooooo much with infertility treatments. The though of having to start all of that over is not appealing. I found one clinic in Chicago that seemed to know a little bit about what I was explaining. I haven't had a lot of time to call all of the clinics on my insurance list. I'm trying to decided if this is something that we want to look into.

but honestly... I think my heart is already in Africa.

I know it will be harder. That is such an understatement!!! It will be harder in so many ways. It will be harder to justify to family and friends that say "why Africa??" "why don't you just adopt here in America?" It will be harder procedure wise. It will be harder to travel half way around the world. It will be harder to parent a child that did not grow inside me. It will be harder to raise a child that has a different color skin than the five of us do. It will be harder for that child to be accepted into our society. It will take twice as long. I know it will cost twice as much. Way more money than we have.

but I think that my heart is already in Africa...


Can I share with you that when you enter an adoption journey you need to be prepared to feel all kinds of crazy??? Is it just me? Are there people that enter this world cool, calm and collected and know just what to do? Do those same people ever doubt themselves? Do they ever feel overwhelmed? Confused? Scared?

I wish there was a way to KNOW what the right answer is!!! All I can do is keep praying and hope that God keeps moving me in the right direction. It would be so easy to just close the book midchapter and say "this is too hard". I have a wonderful life!! Three beautiful kids, a husband that is my best friend, a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, food in my fridge, a job that I love, friends that enrich my life, family to share Sunday dinner with. My life is good. And it's comfortable and it's easy. Why rock the boat?

but my heart has been broken for children in a country half the world away. And my heart aches for my daughter that I feel is there waiting for The Dixons to bring her home.