Cold Feet

Over the passed few days I have developed a sort of cold.  Cold Feet.  I am really really good at worrying and "borrowing trouble" as Granny would say.  I’m starting to worry about how this will affect my kids negatively. I have considered how this will affect them, both positively and negatively, but I felt that the good outweighed the bad and that the bad would help them become better people in the long run. The negative for them would be that, imagine this…the world doesn’t revolve around THEM. I know they will have to share their parents, and that will be a change.

Can I share that MY KIDS ARE MY WORLD?  I know we all love our kids, but I love my kids to the moon and back, more than all the starts in the sky, more that all the sand on the beaches and in the ocean and then even more than that!  All I have ever aspired to be in life was a Mommy. I didn’t want to be a doctor, a nurse, a teacher…just a Mommy. While I am no where near the perfect mommy, I do my best and always put the want and needs of my kids first. My kids’ happiness is very important to me. I don’t like to see them upset, I don’t like for them to be disappointed, and I will do everything in my power to “make it better”.

So as we get closer to bringing children in our home, I am starting to get more apprehensive. I am worrying about how my kids will adjust, if they will be resentful or jealous. I am worrying about time and attention it will take away from them. I am worrying about opportunities that they may miss due to time or finances. I am second guessing our decision. I’m getting cold feet.

With changes soon coming to our home I wanted to put aside some time to spend with each of our kids individually. This passed weekend Rich & I spent the weekend with Kaitlyn in St. Charles. She was participating in the National American Miss Illinois pageant.

It was three days of alone time with our oldest daughter. It was a busy weekend, but a fun time to watch her shine on stage.

It was nice to spend three days just focusing on HER. There were other parents there with little ones, strollers and such, and I couldn’t help but think “I’m so glad I’m not trying to push a baby through these halls!”. She learned a lot this weekend and I think she wants to try again next year for the title. This pageant is a well recognized, well attended pageant and the top 30 selected into the semi-finals were obviously well versed in “pageant”. I’m all for my children setting goals and working to achieve them. Helping Kait achieve this goal would most likely be me spending money and time on pageant coaches, lessons and helping her build her resume with volunteer positions and activities. I am in a place in my life where I am able to do that. Financially and flexibility in my schedule. If I have foster children in my home, that won’t be the case.

I sent invitations in the mail for Khloe and Drew this week inviting them on a special date. Just Mom & Dad & you date. Drew wants to go drive go-karts and mini golf and we are taking Khloe to Fired Up to do some pottery and then they each get to choose dinner out. Just time to be with each kid individually and spend some quality time with them before big changes.  I'm worried about big changes.

I have also been wondering how this will effect my job.  We use the money from my job for travel, eating out, movies, all of the fun extra stuff.  Buying the kids things they really don't need.  If I have to take time off, or quit all together, could we maintain our lifestyle?

Also, it has been stressful to keep out house in tip top shape for these home visits for our homestudy.  I have three messy kids, a husband and a very busy life.  I work full time.  By the time I get home in the evenings, I'm ready to relax. Instead, I have to clean, and do laundry, and supervise homework and make lunches.  Keeping up with the house has always been a challenge for me.  What if we get a foster child placement and they are stressed because my kids leave their clothes all over the bathroom floor?? (YES, I know they should clean up after themselves but to save their lives I don't think they could put their dirty underware in the basket that is literally two ceramic tiles from where they stand!)  What if the current disrepair of our kitchen freaks them out?  Does the house always have to be perfect??  What if Lisa comes over for a supervisory visit and I have two baskets of clean laundry dumped on the couch and still haven't sorted and folded it (like now??)?  What if my floors aren't mopped or the dog has pooped on the floor (YES, I know he shouldn't do that, but HE DOES sometimes if the kids don't let him out after school)?

I'm totally stressing and worrying and wondering.  Then I remember that God has called us to care for these children and "Follow Him into the homes of the broken" and then I am humbled and ashamed that I am thinking of ME when there are children out there that are hurting that need a safe place to lay their head at night.  If God calls you to it then He will help you through it, right?

Lisa is scheduled to come on Friday for the final home visit.  I plan to keep praying and hoping that God will work out the details.  Maybe the dog will poop on the floor while she's there.