Honk If You're Bitter

I have been praying alot for grace lately... apparently God has decided to ship it USPS instead of FedEx because I still haven't received my package. I really should not post all of this negativity in my brain, so I think I will only post a portion and perhaps it will clear some room for that spirit of Grace that I have been waiting on.

You know what honks me off? It honks me off when I am visiting a blog (which I do wayyyy to often) and I see a title in the sidebar of what appears to be an interesting blog title. Something like... Desperately Seeking Baby or Wanting 2 lines or Still Waiting. The title will intrigue me, so I will click to see if their story is anything like mine. I wait for the page to load (which takes forever because my PC is a POC) and lo and behold there are pics of a newborn, or worse yet, pics of like a 6 month old! Can someone please tell me why these women have not changed the name of their blog? HELLO!! You have had 9 months of pregnancy and 6 months of a newborn, you are not waiting or wanting, or seeking anything! You've got it! And now I have clicked on your blog and yet again have been reminded that most people that try to have a child for more than 5 YEARS usually have a victory to celebrate. A miracle to hold, a dream come true. Nope, not me... no baby for me in the past 5 YEARS!!! Could you please change the name of your blog to something more appropriate like Don't Click Here If You are Infertile and Won't Ever Have the Chance At Another Child. That would be wonderful.

You know what else honks me off? When people don't post any pictures on their entire blog. I don't know why, but it totally annoys me.

Ok, on to another subject... I was at my mom's a month or so ago, and this picture was laying face down on her hallway floor...

This is a picture of my Kait when she was a baby. I picked up that picture and it was like someone had kicked the wind out of me. She is so precious, and so beautiful, and so everything that I wish I had the chance to do again. My mom had no explination on how it got there or why.

My endo is getting worse rapidly. Each cycle is terribly worse than the last. I haven't contacted my RE because I know what the treatment is... hysterectomy. That or pregnancy is the only cure for endo. With that decision coming at us quicker than we would like we are left to evaluate if we are ready to be that done. We have talked about IVF, researched it, prayed about it, and I know you will be surprised to hear that the answers have not come.

A part of me says that I should just move on and a part of me says that I need to give it all I got. There is never a day that goes by that I do not thank God for the three beautiful miracles that sleep so snug in their bed each night. I am so so thankful that God blessed me with them and that they are perfect and healthy and bless my life each and every day. There is a part of me that feel that should be enough.

Then there is the part of me that longs for another miracle. Can't God see how much we all want this? Can't He see how different it would be for Rich and I to share our lives with a child? Can't He see how my children want another sibling? Can't He see how much we would love this child? And you say, of course He can see. God knows all, He sees things that I could never see, He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to help me and not to harm me, plans for a great future. I know that. I just wish I understood what He wanted us to do.

I wonder about what kind of life our baby would have at this point in the game. That baby would one day become a toddler and then a child. I wonder how things would work out when he was 8 and Drew was 16, Khloe 18 and Kait already off to college. What kind of relationship would he have with his older siblings at that point? I don't want an only child. I want for our family to be enriched. How would it change our family dynamic? Right now all of the kids are so close in age, I don't know how having on pulling up the rear would work out.

I found another picture at my dad's house last weekend. I was sitting on the porch outside, in a rocking chair, and the picture was again Kait, at about the same age as the first picture. Same chubby cheeks, same little pink lips and big brown eyes. Same random way. Is God sending me messages from Heaven or am I losing my mind?

Just doing a bit of research...

Taken from www.cmdahome.org
Biblical Principles

Reflection on ART possibilities by Christians should begin by recalling the sanctity of human life: each individual is a unique creation with special worth to God. In addition, God is sovereign: He has ultimate control over who will conceive and bear a child. At the same time, we are stewards of our bodies and our resources: we will be held accountable for how we use the gifts He has given us. Scripture defines a family as being composed of one woman and one man joined in exclusive commitment, and it calls children resulting from that union a gift from God. Finally, scripture suggests that God approves of adoption by His blessing of adopted children (Moses, Esther), and by the fact that believers are all adopted in our redemption (Romans 8:23).

Concerns

One of the most significant specific moral concerns of Christians in regard to ART is the multitude of fertilized eggs which do not develop to maturity. The conception of Louise Brown came after greater than 500 unsuccessful fertilizations. Even with the better ART techniques available today, far more fertilized eggs die after unsuccessful attempts at implantation than actually develop into a live-born baby. Equally disturbing is the number of early zygotes which remain frozen and unused after a couple has had successful ART, their moral status a subject of debate, and their fate in limbo. Another basic question which troubles some is the necessity of using masturbation to retrieve semen for most of the techniques. In addition to these basic questions are questions about application of the above biblical principles to the host of modern technological possibilities. Many of these questions and others are explored by the authors of several of the resources listed below.

The final chapter on the ethical issues in ART is not written yet, not even in outline form. New technologies will raise new dilemmas. Some new technologies may even answer earlier dilemmas. For example intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI - the introduction by micro-manipulation of one sperm into one egg) may reduce the need for sperm donors; individual sperm may often be retrieved from a man who was previously considered completely infertile. At the same time, this technique raises other moral issues such as the methods of selection used to choose the egg to be fertilized.

Last but not least is praying fervently like Hanna and ask Him to guide you to a Gynecologist whom He will use to create a human life through you.

Taken from http://www.religioustolerance.org/abo_inco.htm
How surplus embryos are processed:
There are only two options for the surplus embryos -- those that are not implanted in the woman's uterus:
Most often, the spare embryos are deep-frozen in liquid nitrogen. This is called "cryopreservation." Of the 232 labs who returned surveys to a government survey, 215 (94.7%) have the equipment to preserve embryos. Their fate is mixed:
Some die during the freezing process;
Some die while they are subsequently thawed.
They may eventually die because of operator error or equipment malfunction.
If the original attempt at IVF fails to produce a pregnancy, then some embryos may be thawed out and a second implantation attempted. Probably about three out of four of these thawed embryos will die without developing into a fetus. Probably fewer than one in four will develop into a fetus and a newborn.
Some embryos will probably lose their ability to induce a pregnancy over time. One source says that about 25% of frozen and thawed embryos do not survive between a first and second impregnation procedure. Another source says that some frozen embryos might survive for decades.
On the order of 9,000 of the 400,000 embryos preserved in cryogenic freezers in American fertility clinics are available for use by other couples. As of 2003-AUG, 31 embryos have been successfully implanted in the uterus of unrelated women, and were later born. Fourteen more are expected to be born by the end of 2003. These are often called "snowflake babies" by pro-life groups. 4
Those embryos that are not preserved in liquid nitrogen will inevitably die. They have no chance of living or developing into a newborn. Many clinics simply discard or destroy them. Some embryos are simply flushed down a sink drain while alive. Some are transferred to a medical waste bin where they are later incinerated, while alive. Some simply expose the embryos to the air and let them die naturally; this normally takes up to four days. Still other embryos are donated for research and experimentation, for personnel training, or for diagnostic purposes. At this stage in their development, they fortunately have no brain, no central nervous system, no pain sensors, no consciousness, no awareness of their environment. Thus, no matter by which method they are disposed, they will feel no discomfort.

Interesting Article

ASSISTED REPRODUCTION - A CHRISTIAN CLINICIAN'S VIEW
By: Elvonne Whitney, M.D.
The struggle many infertile Christian couples face in their quest for a child is one that God is certainly sensitive to. Many Biblical examples, including that of Hannah (ISam. 1), attest to His caring, concern, and at times, intervention for those who desire an offspring. Many more couples than previously now have the opportunity to have their desired child using assisted reproduction technologies. However, these technologies raise important ethical and moral questions, and Christian couples and the health care providers assisting them do well to seek God's will in these areas. The church can also seek to assist such individuals in their understanding of God's will.
While most of this discussion will apply to any infertile couple, some of the issues discussed apply most specifically to those considering in vitro fertilization, egg or sperm donation, or the use of a surrogate mother.
First of all, let us remember how important individual freedom of choice is to God. I have seen many couples who struggle with much pain because of other family members' or church members' behavior and comments regarding their decision to use various assisted reproductive technologies. Some choose not to share their struggle or decisions with others because of such hurtful behavior, and as a result often feel very isolated. Some struggle with guilt, feeling that their difficulty conceiving a child is a result of past sins, and God is punishing them. Our God is a forgiving God, and whatever past acts may have been done, He views His children with compassion and forgiveness. The church should be a place where all such couples can receive support and compassion in their struggle.
The decision to use or not use such technologies is a deeply personal one, to be settled between a couple and God. The church family should value and protect each couple's individual privacy and decision in these matters, while offering comfort, understanding, and careful support in their seeking of God's will for those who choose to share their struggle.
For issues where no clear Biblical instructions exist, we must support individuals in their personal interpretation and application of the principles involved. We must tread very carefully in this area. God can speak to individuals just as easily, and perhaps more so, than He can speak to organizations in areas of such personal concern. This is not to negate the role of the community of faith in assisting couples in their struggle with these questions, or to limit the importance of the principles involved. But perhaps we do best to outline the issues and principles, and support individuals in their own application of them. Any creation of a "rule book" would go against the way God deals with His people in these personal areas.
Now let us consider some specific points. There certainly is clear scriptural support for a child having the benefits of a stable family. This is helpful in making a decision to limit the application of assisted reproductive technologies to married couples. A number of European countries have outlawed assisted reproduction for unmarried individuals on purely secular grounds.
However, there is a vast difference between using these technologies on unmarried individuals, and in applying such technologies to couples where one or both partners is unable to either produce eggs or sperm, or carry a pregnancy. Let us consider that heritage is composed of multiple factors. Genetic heritage is important, but not necessarily the most important. Social and spiritual heritage are vital as well. This is illustrated in several scriptural examples. Among these is the Old Testament Levirate rule, whereby if a man died with no heirs, his brother was to, in today's terms, inseminate his wife "so his name may not be blotted out of Israel" (Deut. 25:6). In essence, this was God's direction for the use of sperm donation to carry on the family line if an individual had no children.
Another example: both Rachel and Leah had sons for Jacob using their maids Bilhah and Zilpah (Gen. 30:3-12). This has many similarities to today's surrogate mothers. Also, Abraham used Hagar to produce an offspring because of Sarah's infertility. Though this caused problems later because of rivalry, etc. between the two women, God did not forbid it. While the specifics in these examples may be said to relate to the Hebrew culture, and other principles are illustrated here also, it does indicate God's appreciation for man's need to pass his social and spiritual heritage on to his offspring even if he cannot pass on his genetic heritage. God has created within human beings a desire to procreate and fulfill His original mandate to "Be fruitful and multiply" (Gen. 2:28). There may be instances where social and spiritual heritage are more important than genetic heritage.
There is no doubt that the use of assisted reproductive technologies raises difficult ethical questions. However, shouldn't Christians be in a better position than others to speak to these questions in the light of scripture and the Holy Spirit's guidance? We would do well to expend effort in understanding the issues the use of donor sperm or oocytes and surrogacy raise, and in developing effective ways to assist couples in dealing with these issues if they so choose, rather then summarily recommending avoiding them.
Human life must be treated with respect at all stages of development. This is Biblical. Any Christian couple should carefully consider ahead of time the moral issues regarding such things as the number of ova to be fertilized with in vitro fertilization, and the disposition of remaining pre-embryos. Simply discarding "unused" embryos does not follow Biblical principles regarding the sacredness of human life. The availability of cryo-preservation, or freezing, of such embryos is one alternative available. This can allow the couple to have further attempts at conception if the initial attempt fails. It may also allow the possibility of having more than one child, or the opportunity to donate such pre-embryos to another infertile couple who may be unable to have a child any other way. It is hoped that soon technology will allow us to freeze unfertilized oocytes, and this will make some of these decisions easier, in that only very few oocytes need be inseminated at one time and any remaining oocytes frozen for possible later use.
Another issue is that of multiple pregnancy. Some of the current technologies including in vitro fertilization significantly increase the chance for twins, triplets, and other multiple births. Because of the very high risk of severe prematurity and non-survival of babies from pregnancies with four or more fetuses, selective termination of one or more fetuses is available. This obviously raises important moral issues. Is it right to intentionally terminate one or more fetus so that the remaining ones will have a significantly better chance for survival? Is it right to allow the pregnancy to continue with several fetuses, with the likelihood that no babies may survive? Many see the Biblical imperative against voluntarily taking human life as an answer to this issue. Any decision is sure to be agonizing. Therefore, when using such technologies it is imperative to use every medical effort to minimize the possibility of multiple pregnancy so that such a decision will rarely need to be made. Thankfully, we can now control that risk to a large degree.
There are some other issues that any couple considering sperm or egg donation, or surrogacy, should prayerfully consider. These include the feelings of the wife and husband about a third party being involved in the conception of their child. There is also the question of whether and when to tell the child the details of his or her conception, and whether to tell family and friends. The couple will want to be sure all legal and medical questions are fully addressed. Also, many of these technologies are very expensive, and couples will want to be sure that they are using their financial resources wisely and in a way that God would approve.
There are many things that medical technology can do with our current understanding of God's laws. There are also many things that we cannot do. A major example of this is that once embryos, eggs, or sperm are replaced in the uterus, we have no more control over their further development. Whether or not pregnancy occurs, and how many embryos continue to develop, is out of our hands. God is still in control, and every conception is a miracle. In a sense it is as though God has said, "This far you may come, and no farther".
Let me point to one more Biblical example of God's view of infertility. Throughout his walk with God, Abraham was repeatedly promised a son (Gen. 15:4 and others). This son would begin a line of descendants that would outnumber the stars of the heavens (Gen. 22:17) and eventually lead to Jesus Himself. God fulfilled His promise to Abraham in a miraculous way (Gen. 21:1-7). While God may not choose to intervene miraculously in the lives of every infertile couple, He can certainly bless the efforts of Christian couples to have children using the technologies that our growing understanding of His wondrous ways allows. At times God has chosen to heal numerous physical diseases miraculously. However, He can also greatly bless the efforts of health care providers in applying our constantly growing knowledge to help heal disease and relieve suffering.
Should there be any fundamental difference between our view of other medical treatment and of Christian's search to fulfill one of their most basic God-given desires, that of having offspring? God is ultimately the Great Physician. I never cease to be amazed at His wondrous works each time conception occurs with or without assistance. As with any technology or power, we must use our growing understanding of human reproduction responsibly and under His guidance. And in doing so we can be partners with God in the joy of the recurring miracle of new life.

Are you still here?

My stat counter continues to go up... are you still coming here? Checking on me? That is sweet... and surprising. I have thought many times about something I want to write here. Things I should share, things I want to post... but I just never seem to make it here.

It's still raw.
It's still hard.
But there are good days.
And there are days that I don't think about a baby.
And there are days that my heart still breaks, and my soul still yearns, and I still lose my breath.

There are still Daddies pulling toddlers in little red wagons.
There are still babies at Kohls shopping with their mommies.
There are still strollers everywhere at the mall on a Wednesday afternoon.
There are still toddler bible song cassett tapes in my house.
Two weeks ago I threw them out.
I will never have those moments again.
*poof*
all the wind leaves my lungs... all the breath is stolen by those thoughts and by those moments

I went to my last day of kindergarten this week. Family fun day! My little Drew buddy sang his little songs and did his little play... and today I dropped them off for their last day of school. No more kindergarten for me. No hope of another family fun day invitation with a 6 year old's handwritten "Yippee!". I shake my head in disbelief, and another tiny crack splits my heart.

They grow up so fast. I cannot believe that in three short months I will have a 6th grader. I think that it is a bit harder to deal with that, knowing that I don't have another chance. Knowing that my baby days are over. Knowing that my kids are getting so big, and so independant, and growing up... and there will not be another little one for me to cuddle and love and take to their first day of school.

This is a healing process and I am still processing. I am healing, but still hurting. I wish that we could have made that decision, and all of the wants and desires for another child would go away. I wish that with that decision, all of the pain and longing would go away, but it doesn't. I'm not sure that it ever completly will.

It is Well

Sorry I have been MIA. My computer at home is not working. HPV was negative. YAY! I guess the protocol for follow up is to repeat the pap in a year.

So what is next?... Nothing. Nothing is next. Isn’t that odd? No plans, no doctors appointments scheduled… nothing. We have decided that the GIFT procedure is not for us. So I am on my first cycle drug free in quite some time. My body is a bit confused and I wonder how long it will take to regulate my cycles again.

I have thought about my key verse. I have thought about what my answer is. I have been “Waiting For His Glory to be Revealed”. So now what does that mean. I have been thinking about that, and I will do an entry about what I think that means and what the answers are that I have found along this journey. I am working on that entry in my mind, there are still some questions to be answered. I will post my thoughts soon.

We closed our worship service on Sunday with communion. The song that was played during the communion time was “It is Well”. I had always said that if we ever did get pregnant I would announce it to the church and we would sing the song “Glory”.

Glory, glory in the highest,
Glory, to the Almighty,
Glory to the Lamb of God,
And glory to the Living Word,
Glory to the Lamb.
I give glory (glory),
Glory (glory) glory,
Glory to the Lamb,
I give glory (glory),
Glory (glory) glory,

Glory to the Lamb,

I give glory to the Lamb.

And if I never got pregnant, I was hoping that I would be able to sing “It is Well”. I didn’t sing it on Sunday, but I felt that it was a message from God. A sweet song that spoke to my heart and I believe that He sent it just for me.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot,

Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well,

with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet,

though trials should come,

Let this blessed assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well,

with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross,

and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well,

with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound,

and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well,

with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

No News

No news yet. I am still waiting on the HPV test results. I called yesterday and they said it should be today around 1 or 2:00. It was kinda funny because when I called I said that I was wanting to get my HPV results and the lady that answered the call said "You need your HCG results?" I thought how odd it was that I have called so many times for HCG results, but now I am wanting a HPV test back. funny how life unfolds.

I am feeling a bit better about all of this. I really think that all is going to be ok. The nurse from the clinic in Chicago had me all worked up, but my local GYN thinks that it is going to be fine and she was not upset about it at all. The Chicago office was talking biopsies, how far "advanced" "it" was, etc. and the GYN's office locally said they would just repeat in 3 months if the HPV is + and repeat in a year if it was -.

I will update with results. Thanks for the prayers.

Not Good News

I have to share a secret…

Rich and I went to Chicago last week to talk with a doctor about the GIFT procedure. After much conversation, we felt that this last step was something that we should at least look into. We went for the appointment and talked with the doctor, met with the IVF/GIFT coordinator and Rich and I both had an exam. We liked the clinic a lot, but wanted some time to think about what we wanted to do. We were not sure if we would go ahead with the GIFT procedure or not.

Today I received a call from the clinic. I was fully expecting it to be the IVF/GIFT coordinator to discuss the plan. It was a nurse calling to tell me that I had an abnormal pap smear and I needed to schedule a biopsy. She said that no further infertility treatment could be done until there was further information about the abnormal cells that were found on my cervix.

I…am…terrified.

My mom had cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy when she was about my age. She found out through an abnormal pap when she was undergoing treatment for infertility. That is where my brain goes immediately. Is the same thing going to happen to me? Has God been telling me NO about having another child and I have not been listening and so now He is going to take my uterus from me to drive home his point?

I'm sure that Rich is terrified as well. He lost his mom to lymph node cancer that spread to her breast. He does not like the word cancer, especially when it is being talked about regarding his bride.

Please pray for me. Please pray for Rich. It has been a tough week. There are a few other things going on and I have a cold and we need your prayers.

Related Devotion

March 27, 2008

Dealing with Unresolved Disappointment
By Glynnis Whitwer

"'Take away the stone.' He said. 'But Lord,' said Martha, the sister of the dead man, 'by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.'"
John 11:39 (NIV)

Devotion:
Mary and Martha's brother, Lazarus, was sick. Really sick. In fact, they were sure he was close to death. So they called for the one man they knew could heal Lazarus. That was their friend Jesus.

Messengers found Jesus about a day's journey from the sisters' home in Bethany . But when Jesus got the message about Lazarus, He didn't pack up and leave immediately. In fact, Jesus stayed put ... for two more days.

It wasn't that Jesus didn't care. He did. Jesus didn't lose track of the time either. No, the Bible tells us that Jesus intentionally delayed going to help saying "... it is for God's glory, so that God's son may be glorified through it" (John 11:4 NIV). Jesus had a plan, but Mary and Martha didn't know that. All they knew was their brother had died and Jesus didn't come in time.

The sisters were clearly disappointed in Jesus' lack of response. In fact, they both told Him so. Martha chided Jesus first, then Mary fell at Jesus' feet and echoed her sister's words, "Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died."

Jesus knew their pain. He felt it too. In fact, the Bible says that Jesus wept with them. Together the group of mourners made their way to the tomb, and when they arrived, Jesus made an unusual request -- that the stone in front of the opening be removed.

The sisters were shocked. Why would Jesus make this request? Didn't He realize how bad the body would smell? Martha even told Jesus so, perhaps to "remind" Him that her brother had been dead for four long days.

Mary and Martha were devastated. Not only had their brother died, but they knew Jesus could have changed the outcome of their brother's illness. In their minds, Jesus abandoned them in their time of greatest need. The sisters were grieving the loss of their brother, but I wonder if they were grieving because Jesus hadn't done what they asked. In fact, they were so sad and discouraged, when Jesus made a move to help, they wanted to leave the stone in front of the tomb.

Have you ever been disappointed with God's apparent lack of response? I have. It's disheartening when you know God could immediately change the outcome of your circumstances, but He seems absent. So there you sit, in the pain, grief and fear while God delays.

Martha even seems to have given up and accepted her grief and disappointment. She was ready to live with the "fact" that Jesus didn't care enough to heal Lazarus.

However that "fact" couldn't have been further from the truth. As the sisters gave in and moved the stone, Jesus showed them just how much He loved them. In a loud voice Jesus called, "Lazarus, come out!"

Jaws dropped, hearts pounded, wails turned to screams of joy as a formerly dead man walked out of the tomb ... very much alive. Jesus had never ignored their cry for help. He didn't disregard their pain. He hadn't abandoned them. He had a plan that included a delay.

Sometimes God's plans for us might include a delay. As we wait, may we learn from this story to not give up, to not accept grief as our lot in life and to expect God to turn our mourning into joy. Remember, He's coming right on time.

Dear Lord, please forgive me for all the times I have given up on You, and believed You have abandoned me to suffer. Help me to trust that You have a plan to bring about my healing, and bring joy back to my life, even though it may not look like what I had asked for. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:

What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst

Your Scars are Beautiful to God by Sharon Jaynes

Visit Glynnis' Blog

Do You Know Jesus?

Application Steps:
Identify an event that has caused you great pain. Have you resigned yourself to live with that pain forever? If so, choose today to believe that God can do something about it.

Reflections:
Has God ever delayed answering one of your prayers? If so, could you see His good plan in the delay?

How does waiting on God develop our character?
What should our attitude be when we are waiting on God to answer our prayers?

Power Verses:
2 Peter 3:9, "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (NIV)

Psalm 17:6-7, "I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes." (NIV)

Romans 12:12, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (NIV)

Life Goes On

I’m feeling better. I just wanted you all to know that I feel your prayers and I am feeling better. Today is the first day of Spring, I have tulips coming up in my yard and I’m healing. Thank you for your prayers.

Lost

As life goes on, I find it hard to carry on the norm. Our decision to stop here was not a fun decision. Our conversation was not a happy one. There were harsh words spoken, there were hurtful accusations, there were many tears. I was hoping that we would be able to come to a decision that both of us were comfortable with. That did not happen.

I am walking around in a daze. In a way, it feels like a death. It feels like I have lost someone so close to me that I loved a whole lot. In reality, it is simply the death of a dream. I cannot tell you how many times I have envisioned my babies face. My dream had a face and it was soft and small and pink with dark hair and dark eyes. My dream had a name. If it was a boy, his name would be Charlie. Drew and I picked that out together. If it was a girl her name would be Paige Elizabeth Grace. I have lived the moment that I would meet my child so many times in my head. I have smelled my child, I have nursed my child. I have played the scene of the moment when Kaitlyn, Khloe and Drew would come into the room to meet their tiny new sibling. I have imagined the looks of love and wonderment on their faces. I have pictured in my mind how I would arrange the nursery. I have decided to use cloth diapers. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could once again be a stay at home mom. I pictured days of enjoying my four kids out by the pool. I have a picture that hangs on the wall of 6 snowmen. Each snowman has our names on them, but there is one blank snowman, waiting for our fourth child.

For five years I have thought of this child and how it would change our family. For five years I have loved this child, my child.

and now.
nothing.

That takes my breath away. That sucks the air out of my lungs and makes me dizzy. It churns the bile in my stomach. It paints my world gray. It takes the sparkle out of my eyes and the laugh out of my soul. It takes away my hope.

I have always had hope. There was always next cycle. There was always another plan, another chance.

and now.
nothing. There will not be another child. There is no hope of that. There are no nurseries to plan, there are no names to pick out. There are no tiny pink and blue hats to buy. There are no questions of ‘where will we be this time next year? will we have our child? will we celebrate next easter with a baby?’ There are no more doctors appointments, no more calls from the nurse.

Outside, life around me stays the same. Inside, I am forever changed and I don’t know how I find blue skys again.

We're Done

Talks went on this weekend between Rich and I and the final out come is this. We're done.

If I know you personally, in real life, please read this entry very carefully. I cannot even begin to put into words what I am feeling. Please please please don't ask me about this right now. I cannot talk about this all yet. Please don't ask me how I am, please don't ask me why, please don't give me one of those big long hugs that don't take words to know what you are saying. I absolutely cannot handle talking about this yet. I know that this is not the healthiest way to deal with this right now, but it the only way that I know how. Will I be okay? Yes, I will be okay. Will I ever be able to talk about this? Probably, but just not now. Will I ever be fully complete? Probably not this side of heaven. I cannot express the war that is going on inside of me, and I cannot handle opening my mouth to answer one "Are you okay?". I will fall apart. Please respect my emotions. I want to continue to have friendships and relationships, but I am afraid that if I am forced to talk with you about this right now, I will avoid you, and I don't want to lose my friendships.

I know that this may be a rambled post. Let's just pretend like all of this TTC business never happened for now.

Please pray for me. If you have prayed for me in the past, if you have never uttered my name to the Lord, I have never needed your prayers more than I do right now. Please pray for me.

BFN

BFN, again and again and again and again! I tested yesterday, so I knew, but it still sucks to hear it. A nurse called, she must have been new because she wasn’t Brenda or Karen that I usually talk to. She said, “Kari, hi, I just wanted to let you know that I have your beta back and it was negative.” I said that yes, I pretty much knew that. She said “oh I wish I could tell you that it was positive.” This is the stupidest thing anyone from that office has ever said to me. I said, “well yes, we have been wishing that we could hear that from you for 18 months now.” IDIOT!!! I didn’t say the idiot part, but I really wanted to.
So now we decide what is next. I am really really struggling with this decision. Rich is going to be home this weekend and we really need to talk things out. I have sought information/counsel from other Christian friends as well. I need more information, more opinions, because I just can’t hear God giving me the answers.

9dpiui

Noting new to report. I am feeling totally normal, nothing different. I did receive my progesterone number today and it was 58, which means nothing for me. I usually have a really high progesterone. 39 last month, over 60 the month before. I’m feeling totally normal. I think I am going to enter my girls into a little local pageant this weekend, so my week will hopefully fly by with making plans for that and Friday’s beta will be here before I know it!!

Miracles

http://mylostandfoundoflife.blogspot.com/

I have shared things from this blog in my blog before. I went for an update today and found myself a mess of tears. Allison's constant strength has always amazed me. I am thankful for the testimony that I have found through her blog. Don't give up on your dreams because dreams really do come true. Congratulations to Allison and her family.

GIFT

As I was reading the information in the last post, I noticed the GIFT process. I did not know what the GIFT procedure was, so I looked it up. Here is the info.

Gamete intrafallopian transfer
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Gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT) is a tool of assisted reproductive technology against infertility. Eggs are removed from a woman's ovaries, and placed in one of the Fallopian tubes, along with the man's sperm. The technique, which was pioneered by endocrinologist Ricardo Asch, allows fertilization to take place inside the woman's body.
Many specialists in infertility would look at GIFT as a procedure that is outdated (2004) as pregnancy rates in IVF tend to be equal or better and do not require laparoscopy.[citation needed]
Contents[hide]
1 Method
2 Indications
3 Success rate
4 See also
5 External links
//

[edit] Method
It takes, on average, four to six weeks to complete a cycle of GIFT. First, the woman must take a fertility drug to stimulate egg production in the ovaries. The doctor will monitor the growth of the ovarian follicles, and once they are mature, the woman will be injected with Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). The eggs will be harvested approximately 36 hours later, mixed with the man's sperm, and placed back into the woman's Fallopian tubes using a laparoscope.

[edit] Indications
A woman must have at least one normal fallopian tube in order for GIFT to be suitable. It is used in instances where the fertility problem relates to sperm dysfunction, and where the couple has idiopathic (unknown cause) infertility. Some patients may prefer the procedure to IVF for ethical reasons, since the fertilization takes place inside the body.

[edit] Success rate
As with most fertility procedures, success depends on the couple's age and the woman's egg quality. It is estimated that approximately 25-30% of GIFT cycles result in pregnancy [1], with a third of those being multiple pregnancies.

I have to admit that my heart skipped a beat while reading this. One more step, but still within our comfort zone. I can't believe I have never looked into this before. Perhaps an option for us.

Crampy

I have been having some crampy feelings since the IUI. AF like pains. The RE told me to watch for this and a feeling of being bloated because I am at risk for over stimulation of the ovaries. I found some info on the Follistem website. I will keep an eye on it and if it gets worse, I will have to go in for another u/s.

Risks and successes
Risks
While complications of intrauterine insemination (IUI) are infrequent, they can include:
Infection
Brief uterine cramping
Transmission of venereal disease (with AID/TDI unless appropriately screened)
Risks of the controlled ovarian hyperstimulation can include:
Multiple pregnancy
Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) OHSS is a serious medical problem that can happen when the ovaries are overstimulated. In the rare case, it has caused death. OHSS causes fluid to build up suddenly in the stomach and chest areas. Call your healthcare professional right away if you get any of the following symptoms:
· Severe pelvic pain (lower stomach area) ·Nausea ·Vomiting ·Sudden weight gain ·Reduced urine output
In cases where three or more follicles develop to a size greater than 14 millimeters, there is a risk of multiple pregnancy, which could mean abandoning treatment or in some cases, changing the treatment from IUI to an IVF cycle. Multiple pregnancies are associated with higher rates of pregnancy loss and lower birth-weight babies, as well as babies with greater social difficulties. Drug treatment is always monitored, because too high a dose of a drug can cause excessive stimulation of the ovaries, which may be noticed as pain in the abdomen.
Successes
The success rates of superovulation and IUI are between 10% and 20% per cycle, provided that the male partner's sperm count is within normal limits and the female's tubes are healthy. Doctors might try four cycles of IUI and if these are not successful, then they may recommend other methods, such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) or gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT). Unlike IVF or GIFT, IUI doesn’t involve difficult egg collection or general anesthetic, and is currently a popular and quite successful treatment method for infertility.

Tagged

I was tagged a long time ago by Becky, and never fulfilled my end of the bargain. Boss is gone today, so I had some time. Here ya go!

7 Things....
~The rules are to link the person who sent this to you and leave a comment on their blog so their readers can visit yours.
~Post the rules on your blog
~Share 7 strange/weird facts about yourself
~Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog~Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

1. My brain visualizes everything. If I know you in real life I have most likely pictured you naked. I can’t help it, my brain just does it. If you tell me you have a hemorrhoid, I may vomit on your shoes because my brain instantly pictures it.

2. My house is always a cluttered mess, but my linen cabinet and cupboards have to be arranged. Towels by color and they all have to be folded the same with the seams to the back of the closet, and the cupboards have to be arranged by category with all fruits in one row, veggies in another, soups, etc…

3. My nails are very long. I usually have to trim them because they will get so long that they interfere with typing and things like that.

4. I am turning into my mother (God help me!) I cannot sleep well anywhere else but my bed. When I was younger, I could sleep anywhere. Now, only my bed.

5. I have a head tremor. No one has been able to figure out why, no medication helps it. It’s like I am constantly shaking my head “no”. Sometimes the kids will ask me something, and while I am thinking about my answer they will ask “whhhhyyyy?”, because they think I have shook my head no.

6. I did not see the ocean until I was 25. My brother who is 27 still has not seen the ocean. My grandma McCoy is 80 and she has never seen the ocean. I am captivated by the ocean. On a beach next to the ocean is my favorite place to be. Everyone should see the ocean.

7. I have to sleep with a pillow between my knees. The feeling of my knees rubbing together makes me crazy.

TAGGED randomly:
http://misty-ajourneythroughsurrogacy.blogspot.com/
http://operation-baby.blogspot.com/

I only know these few, and I know Cherie has done this before.

3dpiui

This is a picture from a few years ago, but don't we look great!!

Nothing to exciting going on here. I started the progesterone vaginal suppositories today. Ick! They make me feel like I peed my pants!

I have been doing some research on low sperm counts. I think that if we don’t get pregnant this cycle we are going to have Rich tested for retrograde ejaculation. Here’s a little info taken from Wikipedia… Normally the sphincter of the bladder contracts and the sperm goes to the urethra towards the area of least pressure. In retrograde ejaculation this sphincter does not function properly. Diagnosis is usually by way of a urinalysis performed on a urine specimen that is obtained shortly after ejaculation which will have an abnormal level of sperm within it.
Retrograde ejaculation may cause a couple to experience problems such as infertility, as most sperm do not get to the vagina and the rest of the female reproductive system. As a method to induce pregnancy, the retrograde ejaculator's urine is centrifuged and the isolated sperm is then injected into the woman.
Around 40% of sufferers from retrograde ejaculation have found that use of pseudoephedrine (brands names include Sudafed) noticeably improves the quantity of ejaculate.[citation needed] The tricyclic antidepressant imipramine has also been used as an effective treatment for retrograde ejaculation. It must be noted that both medications have links to erectile dysfunction, pseudoephedrine being the frontline treatment for priapism. People with erectile dysfunction and retrograde ejaculation (not uncommon in those with diabetes) are strongly advised to seek medical advice about the best 'dual' treatment methods available to them, i.e. combining pseudoephedrine or an alternative with an erectile dysfunction treatments such as sildenafil.

This would explain the variation of the numbers in the sperm count. The first “pulse” of an ejaculation contains 80% of the sperm. If that first “pulse” is going into the bladder, that is why we are getting low counts. Something to look into.

Researching already

I've hit the net already researching. I have googled many things, one question being 'how long after insemination does fertilization occur?' The answer is about 24 hours with implantation 5-7 days later. I found this site http://www.fertilitytoday.org/frequent_questions.html and there are many questions here about IUI and IVF. Great site.

IUI #4, Are we there yet??

Original Count:
Motility: 1st IUI 29% 2nd IUI 45%, 3rd IUI 44%, today 45%
Morphology: 1st IUI 54% 2nd IUI 83%, 3rd IUI 62%, today 58%
Count: 1st IUI 19.4 million 2nd IUI 30 million, 3rd IUI 12.8 million, today 8.4 million

Final Count after processing:
Motility: 1st IUI 43% 2nd IUI 65%, 3rd IUI 44%, today 36%
Morphology: 1st IUI 65% 2nd IUI 83%, 3rd IUI 66%, today 52%
Count: 1st IUI 30.2 million 2nd IUI 117.2 million, 3rd IUI 17.4 million, today 19.4 million

Count today was not fabulous. The final count was actually better post wash than the month before, so that was encouraging to see. It is hard not to get discouraged when you are sitting on the table all ready for the insemination and they hit you with such low numbers. Rich felt really frustrated, and I did my best to encourage him. We have done a lot to try to bring his count up, I just don't know what else to do. I prayed a lot yesterday and again this morning as we were on our way there. I prayed a lot after the insem while I waited the 10 minutes to get up. I just don't know what else there is to do.

As we were driving home I found myself going down the what if road. I found myself trying to justify IVF and talking through how it could work and what we could do. I was getting very worked up and frustrated. Then the notion of one-day-at-a-time came over me. I was fighting battles that haven't even started. As Granny would say, borrowing trouble. I frequently do that, and I am going to try to stop. When I find myself looking ahead, I am going to do my best to live in the moment and look only as far as today. Perhaps that will save some of my sanity.

I will end this post with the prayer that Kait said last night. What a precious girl she is. I know that she keeps this in her prayers. This simple prayer from my 10 1/2 year old brought tears to my eyes.
"Dear God, I pray that you be with us and help my mom have a baby. I'm asking you for a girl, but I'll take what you give me. If I can't have a girl, I'm asking for a boy, but I will take what you give me. If I can't have a boy, I am asking for one boy and one girl, twins, but I will take what you give me. So really God, I'll take what you give me. Amen"