Another chapter

Hello again! We are back to life in the real world! We got home on Saturday and then went right into the full swing of Christmas. Kinda crazy! I am 11dpo, tested today on Rich's birthday hoping to give him a great birthday present, and BFN. It was the first time that I have felt like I have failed him. I guess before I just felt like we were failing, but when he looked at me standing in the bathroom doorway with a HPT in my hand and said "Are you pregnant?" with such excitement in his voice, I felt like all of the power was in my hands, and I just can't make it happen. I know, I know, it takes two, but today I felt like the failure.

Next month will be our last month for the Clomid. Then my OB wants to "discuss further testing". I'm not sure what we will do at that point.

When I have thought about how God will reveal his glory to me, I have always envisioned a baby or peace that there will be no baby. I am beginning to think that perhaps neither will be my answer. I am starting to feel the teeniest tiniest seed of acceptance being planted in my heart. Not that overwhelming peace that I have so been longing for, but an acceptance that this is what God's plan is for us, and somehow he will get us through it. I was really hoping for that feeling of comfort and peace, but in a situation such as this, maybe that just doesn't happen.

I have talked to a few friends of mine about this peace. One friend was never able to have children, and one friend had just one. They both talked about a longing that never goes away. A peace that never comes. With tears in their eyes, they talked about how they have just accepted the life that has been given to them, and that when they get to heaven, they will know why. When I heard their hurt that has remained a part of them for so many, many years, I thought that my God would not do that to me. My God would never let me hurt and remain in a state of utterly and completely not understanding his will. He will reveal his will and his glory to me, right!? Isn't that the verse that has kept me going for years. That light at the end of the tunnel... Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange we happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed to you on earth. That is the verse right... and again, that small voice whispers... No my child, not everything is revealed to you in this lifetime, listen to me: Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange we happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. Look for the small difference. I have been clinging to the promise that He will let me in on His plan and that He would do it soon. Perhaps I will never know this side of heaven why I long for four children but am only able to have three. Am I ready to accept that?

Sometimes my head knows things before my heart. I think that is where I am now. In a state of knowing, but in a time of still hoping. So for now, I'm keeping hope alive.

Paradice here we come!

This is where we will be spending the next week... Paradice! I hope the rest and relaxation does us all some good. I am looking forward to spending some time living life in the slow lane with my family!

I forgot to take my fertility monitor test this morning with the first pee of the day like you are supposed to. I tested at 10:30 and still got the high reading. I was thankful that I didn't get a peak yet. I just hope it was accurate. I have been having ovulation pains so I know ovulation is on the way. I just hope I hold off for a few more days. I did an OPK and it was -, it was an internet cheapie, so I hope it is accurate! A friend on an infertility board I frequent told me to bring back an "island baby". I love the thought of an island baby!! If I get pregnant on this trip that is what we will call the baby, an island baby! How fun would that be!! Ohhhhhhhhh how I would love that! To finally be done playing this game and have that happy ending. It is inevitable that we will all stop playing this game at some point, some with happy endings, and some will just end. I want the happy ending! I know that I am blessed to have the family that I have, and whatever the outcome of this journey for another child, I know we will live happily ever after.

I will be updating my BBT Chart while we are away. You can link it through the link on the right. If you are a "chart stalker" as I am, you can check that out each day. Watch for that big jump in temp, that will be the day of ovulation.

High already??

Cycle day 10 for me. I am using a fertility monitor (pictured left) this cycle. This detects estrogen as well as the LH hormone so it gives you a wider range of probable conception dates. Once the test reads an increase in estrogen, it gives you a high reading to let you know that your body is preparing to ovulate. Once it detects the LH hormone, it gives you a peak reading telling you that you will ovulate in the next 24-36 hours. Today, on cycle day 10, I got a high reading. What the heck!!! My normal ovulation day is cd14-cd16. On my first round of Clomid last month, I ovulated on cd12, not cool. With a traveling husband, you have to be able to prepare for these things!! Essentially a "high" reading just means that an elevated level of estrogen has been detected, and does not mean that I will ovulate in the next few days. However, it does mean that my estrogen level is increasing in preparation for ovulation. I just hope and pray that my body waits for my husband on Friday! I really am tired of playing these Reindeer Games! I have one more cycle of Clomid and then my OB wants to do "further testing". I told Rich that I think we should just set a projected date for me to start smoking again and call it quits. I was joking...kinda.

On a much less stressful note... we are leaving for a Christmas trip to Cancun Mexico soon, so I will try to update, but I am making no promises. Just pray that the little eggie or eggies as it may be, will stay tucked away and not come out until the spermies are available to come out and play! Getting pregnant in Cancun would be a very happy ending to this story!

Lana and LeLe

I attend small group each Tuesday night at the home of my Pastor his wife, Becky and their 5 children. Last year they adopted a child from Kazakhstan. This process brought Becky and I to become friends. Once they were home with Lana, I visited each week, just to chat with Becky and watch Lana in awe. She is a beautiful little girl and has had my heart in the palm of her hand since the day I set eyes on her very first picture.
I was over at their home last night and Lana was babbling, as toddlers do. However, when Lana babbles, it seems as though she is speaking Chinese. It is so funny! She just goes on and on like she knows exactly what she is saying!

Last night I had a dream that Rich and I adopted a baby girl from China. Her name was Lye, but she was called LeLe. I have to acredit this dream to Lana's Chinese babble!

Rich and I have talked about adoption, and I just don't think it is for me. There are so many elements of pregnancy that I enjoy, that is one of the reasons that we are "trying" again. Also adoption is so very expensive! Although, if I could be guarenteed that I would get a little girl just like Lana, I would do it in a heartbeat, but Lana is definetly one of a kind, crafted by the Father from the begining to be a Stewart.

I am blessed to have been a part of her life. She amazes me, intreguies me. I love to just watch what she does and I often wonder what is going through her mind. I don't remember watching my own children with such intensity and curiosity. I think part of the reason is that my children were all small at the same time. I was lucky to get to brush my teeth on some days! Yet another motivation for wanting another child. To take each minute and just savor the moment, to make each minute a permanent picture in my memory.

I start Clomid again tomorrow. Same dose as last month. I'm a bit worried about the side effects, I have been a bit stressed and testy already, without the added hormones!! There will be no blood work this cycle, as we will be in Cancun when I am due for it. So my OB said to chart and watch for the temp spike and hopefully we won't have to worry about b/w anymore!! So on we go to another chapter. Please continue to keep us in your prayers!!

Well she's here

AF made her grand arrival today. I'm not surprised... it still sucks but I'm not surprised. That's one of the benifits of being a POAS addict (pee on a stick or taking a pregnancy test), you know when AF will show, plus my temp took a nosedive this am. I'm just glad to have a new cycle, and get on with the show!! I'll call my OB in the morning and I'm assuming that we will do a repeat of the 50mg of Clomid, cd5-9. According to my dates, I should ovulate when we are in Cancun. Fun, but challenging when you are sharing a room with three kids!!

Thanks for journeying through my first cycle of Clomid with me! I hope you stay around long enough to celebrate the victory of His glory being revealed, whatever that may be!

No news

God promises to send a rainbow after the storm.


No news is good news? I'm not so sure. Sitting in this limbo of a 2ww (2 week wait) sucks! I am somewhere around 11 or 12 days post ovulation. If I were pregnant I may be able to get a positive pregnancy test. I have taken several, and they all give me that dreaded single line. Negative. BFN in the TTC world. A big fat negative!! Sure, many will say "It's not over until AF shows her ugly face!" Well for me, I feel like this cycle is over. Just waiting for AF to show up so we can move on to the next cycle... again. This is about the 43rd cycle that I have said, 'well there's always next month'.

Man am I sick of saying that.

My OB will do 2 more cycles of Clomid. Then she wants to move on to more testing. I'm really not sure what we will do at that point. Physically and emotionally I am tired. Tired of living my life two weeks at a time. Two weeks until I ovulate, then wait two weeks to see if it worked. I would like to think that each failed month makes me stronger, but it doesn't. Each failed month takes me farther from my goal of having a sibling for my children. A sibling that they would be close in age to, close in school years to... farther from my goal of having another child. Each cycle that ends in a BFN leaves me more bewildered and less hopeful that this will ever happen for us.

Just one more miracle Father, one more. "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Will his glory ever be revealed to me? What will it look like? Will it be two lines? Will it be two heartbeats on an ultrasound screen? Will it be ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes? Will it be a soft pink face peering up at me from my breast? Will it be a dark haired dark eyed toddler from another land? Or will it simply be Peace that surpasses all understanding as I look at my family of five and say Thank you Father, for I am blessed? What will his glory look like? How will it feel?

I can't wait to find out and share it with all of you.

Please continue to pray for me.

Houston, we have ovulation

Blood results finally came in! My OB wanted a progesterone level of 15-20 this cycle. Mine was.............. drumroll please.................................53!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy crap!!!!! I have no idea what this means. The nurse said that it may indicate pregnancy, but there is no way to tell until later this week. Someone else said that it may indicate that I released more than one egg. I am just thankful that the Clomid worked and that I did indeed ovulate!! Boy did I ovulate!!!!

I have added a link to my BBT chart on the right. For some reason it is all the way at the bottom. This is for any of you that want to become a "chart stalker". Some basic instructions for being a "chart stalker": Temps should be low in the begining of the month with a drastic rise indicating ovulation. A verticle red line will mark the probable ovulation date. Once you see the temp spike, the temps need to stay above the horizontal red line. Once the temps go below the horizontal red line, AF is usually around the corner. 18 temps above the baseline (horizontal red line) usually indicate pregnancy.

To wait or not to wait

The 2ww. This is lingo for the two week wait. The two week wait is the period of time between ovulation and the onset of either AF (Aunt Flow) or a BFP (big fat positive pregnancy test). This period of time one can truly go insane. Every twinge, pain, cramp, burp, toot, etc, etc, etc is evaluated and analyzed to see if it could possibly be a sign of pregnancy! One that has obsessive/compulsive tendencies becomes over the top obsessive!!

Now I am in the stage of to wait or not to wait. Am I in the 2ww or not? Did I ovulate? Did the Clomid work? I go in for blood work on Friday to find out for sure. I probably will not have results until Monday sometime. I believe Rich is going in for his sperm analysis on Friday as well. I am still trying to talk him in to this!

I hope that all of my readers have a wonderful Thanksgiving. This is the time of year that we are to remember all that we are thankful for. I am the most thankful that God sent his son to die on a cross for my sins so that I can have life everlasting in heaven. I am thankful for all of the times God interceded and saved my marriage when I was ready to walk out in the early years. My husband is such a blessing to me and our marriage is stronger than ever. I am thankful that God knows the plans he has for me because left on my own I would really screw things up. I am thankful for the three healthy beautiful children that God has blessed me with. It amazes me everyday that I am blessed three times over with healthy children. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food on my table and the car that I drive. I am thankful for my church family. I am thankful that I have a church to go to where the word of God is taught in a real and truthful way. I am thankful for the singing voice that God has blessed me with, and I am thankful that I was able to quit smoking so that I can keep it! I am thankful for my family. Although we are not all as close as I would like to be, I am thankful for them just the same. I have four brothers that I love dearly and hope that they will all find Godly women to make their wives and make me an Aunt!!! I pray that as they get older and mature we will become closer. I have four other adopted siblings that keep my mom on her toes! I am thankful for the addition that they are to our family.

I am thankful for the friendships that I have. Misty, Richelle, Becky, Trish, Talena, Nancy... and many others. Their support in all I do is so important to me. Friends mean a lot to me and I am blessed with many very good ones. I am thankful for the friends that I have found on-line through Fertilichat and other blogs. I have found that on-line friends are to be taken for what they are, a name on a screen that you know only through cyber-space. There is one though, that has crossed that line and become very special to me. Hope. The name says it all. She has given me hope, helped me through trials, and helped me keep my feet on the rock of my foundation, Jesus Christ. I am blessed abundantly, my list could go on and on. Just remember to thank the Lord above for your blessings on Thanksgiving day. Enjoy your time with your families.

These are the moments...

These are the moments that are forever etched in my heart and make my heart long for more moments like this...

Can you say rollercoaster!?

This is my chart today... can you say rollercoaster? I have no idea what is going on. Have no fear, Richard is on his way home today for the weekend! Here's to a weekend of Baby Dancing (sex) and egg cracking (fertilization)! Hope you all have as much fun this weekend as we do! Pray that God has chosen this month to bless us with our long awaited miracle!

The Ups and Downs of Clomid

The second chart seen above is a normal basal body temperature chart, the top one is your chart on drugs!!!

Oh what a fun few days it has been! Hot flashes, tears at the drop of a hat, fighting to keep my mouth shut so I didn't tell off a police officer... I could go on, but I don't want to embarrass myself further!

I have been charting my temps for almost a year. The second chart is a normal chart. Low temps to start the month, then a drastic rise in temperature indicating ovulation. High temps in the last part of the month, post ovulation with a huge drop again when AF arrives (aunt flow, otherwise known as your monthly period). Now at the top, you see my chart for this month. I had a huge temp jump yesterday indicating that I may have ovulated. So I'm freaking out because Rich is in Chicago and I am 3 hours from there. I'm thinking, I have a fresh egg ready to be fertilized, and no Richard in sight!!! I can't do this by myself!!! So Rich and I had several conversations yesterday as to what to do. This could be ovulation, although it is way too early, or it could just be an indication of the hot flashes I have been having. So our options are... #1 Rich could come home so that just in case I did ovulate, we would be covered or #2 Rich doesn't come home and if I did ovulate we would miss the opportunity and this whole cycle would have been a loss or #3 Rich doesn't come home and we pray that I did not ovulate and that I will this weekend when he is home.

We had a very significant conversation yesterday afternoon about our options. Rich asked me how I would feel if he did not come home. I asked him if he wanted an honest answer or a sugar coated on and he chose the honest answer. I shared with him my feelings, letting him know that I would be very sad at the thought that I would have taken this medication and it would all be for nothing, but he was the one that had to make the drive so the choice was up to him. I told him that if he didn't make the trip I would be disappointed but that I would get over it. At 4:00 he called and said that he was on his way home. He got stuck in major traffic, and then got a call that one of his units that was to be installed was being delivered first thing in the morning. So he got home at about 7:45pm and left again last night at 9:00pm to make the 3 hour drive back to Chicago.

As you can see on the chart at the top (my current chart), my temp went drastically back down this morning, indicating that I indeed have NOT ovulated. However, Rich’s 6 hour drive of passion was still worth the trip. His willingness to make that drive, knowing that this may happen, spoke volumes to my heart. I know that trip was done more out of his love and support for me that for his desire to have another child. I told him last night…”It means more to me that you are here than it would have meant if you hadn’t made the trip.” This act of love will be one that stands out in my mind over the ages. It made me think, when was the last time I did something that I didn’t want to do, just to make someone else happy? When was the last time I gave, simply because I love? My husband does this frequently, I, however am very bad at returning the favor.

So as you see, there have been many ups and downs these past few days. Not only in my temperature, but emotionally as well. Rich will be home again on Thursday night, hopefully my body will cooperate and release that little eggie this weekend!

Clomid here I come!

One tiny little pill. Will it do the trick?

We had a cut off date, August 5th, 2006. Drew would be turning 5. Kait would be 9 1/2, Khloe 7 1/2. We felt that if we didn't have a pregnancy by this time then we would call it quits. We are concerned that there would be to large of an age difference between the kids, and we want to be a close family, not have three kids that are close and then on child that feels like an only child in a family of 6. So August 2006 was supposed to be the deadline. August has come and gone and still no pregnancy. Rich and I have talked about it and we have decided to give it some more time and see a doctor. I had not seen a doctor up to this point. I had done the basal body temperature charting for 7 months, I had taken Ovulex, which is a combination of many herbs that I had researched, I was drinking Green Tea, and a herbal Fertility Tea, cut caffeine, nicotine, standing on my head, you name it we tried it! We finally decided that we needed to see a doctor and find out if there were any physical reasons that we were not conceiving.

I went to my GP in July and she referred me to an OB. I saw the OB for the first time in August. She ordered some blood work and some tests for Rich. I had the blood work in August and my progesterone level came back low. Progesterone is the hormone that is released when you ovulate. If you don't ovulate, your progesterone level will be less than three. If you ovulate effectively, your level will be over 10 on a non-medicated cycle or over 15 on a medicated cycle. My level was 13.3. We repeated in September and added a thyroid test as well as a prolactin level. This progesterone level was 2.someting. This indicates that I did not ovulate this cycle, so the OB wanted to start me on Clomid.

Rich and I have talked about medical intervention. We had talked about how far we would go and where we draw the line. I have talked about this with several friends, some christian, some not. This topic is a heated one. My personal opinion and my personal beliefs and not black and white, I wish they were. I still have some gray area that I need to work out. "When are you 'stepping on God's toes?'" "Where does fertility treatments cross over to playing God?" These are questions that we have asked ourselves. We feel that Clomid is a hormonal boost to help my body do what it was made to do but is just having a bit of difficulty. We will do Clomid for three months. If I have not achieved a pregnancy by the end of January the OB wants to do more extensive testing. We will have to make a decision at that point what we feel is best for our family.

So tomorrow is the big day! I take my first dose of Clomid. WOW! I never thought I would ever be on fertility drugs. Pray for us. Some of the side effects can be moodiness, short temperedness, hot flashes. Hot flashes I can deal with, I'm already moody and short tempered, I would hate to see that get worse! Pray that I don't have those side effects. Pray that it works!

Questions with and without answers

in·fer·tile Pronunciation: (')in-'f&r-t&lFunction: adjectiveEtymology: Middle French, from Late Latin infertilis, from Latin in- + fertilis fertile: not fertile or productive ; especially : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy - in·fer·til·i·ty /"in-(")f&r-'ti-l&-tE/ noun

Infertility is the inability to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months of unprotected intercourse.

"How can you say you are infertile when you have three children?" I have had this question asked to me. By the definition from our good friend Webster, I am infertile. Grasping this reality has been devastating, devaluing, and left me with a feeling of helplessness. "Can't you just be thankful for the children that you have?" I thank God every single night for the three miracles that sleep down the hall tucked away in their warm beds. I am more thankful for them now than I ever would have been had I not traveled the road of infertility. I have come to appreciate the reproductive system so much more since all of my study and research about conception and I realize how truly blessed we are to have three healthy, beautiful children. "Isn't three enough?" All I can say to this question is that there is a strong longing in my heart for another child. It is actually very hard for me to put into words how I feel about this. It is though there is a part of me that is incomplete. A piece missing. It breaks my heart to think that I would never feel another child growing and moving inside of me. I long to nurse a baby again. I day dream about what another creation of Rich and I would look like, what their personality would be. Will these feelings go away if we have another child? Would these feelings go away if we didn't? I don't know the answer to that question.

I think that many people believe that our prayer is "God give us another baby." It is not. That is not our prayer. My constant prayer has been "God please bless our family with one more miracle, but if that is not your will, please give me the peace in my heart that it is ok that I will not have another baby. Give me the peace that settles my desire for another child." I pray for that peace all of the time and it just doesn't come. I pray for a baby and I get another negative pregnancy test . I just feel like shouting "God!!! This is not multiple choice!!! This is a baby or peace... Please!!! Give me a baby or give me peace!!!" And neither come... I just feel him say "In my time daughter, in my time, not yours". It is a constant struggle. I have found great comfort in 1 Peter 4:12-13- Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. Right now we are just waiting for his glory to be revealed, in whatever what he chooses to reveal it to us.

Welcome

Peter 4:12-13- Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

I quit smoking (AGAIN), so I should have plenty of free time in the evenings to update this blog. Not tonight though...