Update

I had the biopsy on Friday. Bloodwork was BFN, as expected. The biopsy was not as bad as I had thought overall. It hurt really bad for about a minute, and then a full night of cramps, but then AF showed, so the cramps all just blended together. The nurse was so companionate. I had told her that I was fearful, and asked that they cover the instruments so that I could not see them. They had everything covered when I got there and she held my hands through the tough part. She was a big comfort. The doctor too was very gentle and told me what to expect each step of the way. After she was done I went to get up and she told me to lay there and rest and relax for a few minutes. She applied some pressure to stop the bleeding and while we were waiting, we talked about the next cycle. She wants me to have a laparoscopy done to check out that right tube and see if it is indeed blocked. I will include info on exactly what that is. She cannot do it this coming cycle, so she wants to do a treatment cycle for August. We will know biopsy results next week sometime.

So this is the plan. She gave me a script for 100mg of Clomid to take cycle day 5-9. I believe she is doing this to hyper stimulate my ovaries to produce multiple eggs, because I Oed on my own this past cycle. I will go in for an ultra sound on the day of a + OPK. If I am developing follicles on only the right side we will then just BD when the days are right and nothing more. This is because that tube is probably blocked and the fertilized egg most likely won't make it to the uterus to find a home and grow. If I have follicles on both sides, we will have to decide if we want to do an IUI or not. If the follicles are only on the left side, I think we will probably do our first IUI. Then we will plan the laparoscopy for September if the need be. Our timing is good next month because Rich will be home just at the right time and we are taking a vacation at that time too, so we will be able to be together as much as we want/need to! This visit was probably the most uplifting one that I have had. I had such a tough week, and it was good to feel the RE's optimism!

My mood has improved. AF is here, but that just means that we can go onto the next cycle. I'm dealing with that! I have some spiritual thoughts, but I will share them later this week. Rich is home and we are going to spend our evening together.

So still to come this week (for your info as well as so I don't forget what I still need to share!) I will share the conversation that Rich and I had regarding trusting the Lord vs questioning the Lord and I will also share about our home movie marathon this weekend! Stay tuned!

Waiting... still

These are a pair of hammocks waiting for me...

So the title of my blog is Waiting for His glory to be revealed. Well I'm just about tired of waiting. Today has been a terrible day. I am PMSing, feeling sorry for myself, being jelous, being short tempered, fed up, feeling hopeless and not feeling much like a good christian at all. I am feeling like giving up. Giving up on it all. And I would. Today has been an overwhelming day, and I am convinced that the only thing that has kept me here is God himself. Have you ever had one of those days? One of those days that you just cannot tolerate one more minute of your own life? I have never came to a point in my life that I have felt that way, but I got there today. Outsiders looking in will say 'but you have so much to be thankful for, you have such a wonderful family and husband and house and cars and blah blah blah'. But I feel like I am failing at every single thing in my life, and I don't see a way out. I have been WAITING and PRAYING and I still suck!

Another friend of mine found out that she is pregnant today. She and I were on the same cycle. She had and IUI and a trigger shot the day before I did at the same RE. So we have been in this 2ww together and going through symptoms together, and today she got her beta #s back, 202. Those are very good numbers. She may be having twins. I cheered her on every step of the way through this 2ww. Then today when she told me she was pregnant I was so happy for her... for about three seconds and then I just sobbed. I sobbed and I couldn't stop. The jelousy and the envy... oh it is terrible. I don't want to do that!!! I don't want to be jelous of the babies that others have!!! I truly am so happy for her and her husband. I have been praying for them for such a long time! So why does the big green monster of envy have to pop out?

My house is a total mess. My yard is about 14 inches high, and weeds have long since taken over my flower gardens. My pool is green, my van is broken. My husband's taxes for 2006 are not paid. I snapped at my kids, AGAIN! I did not read the bedtime story or say bedtime prayers. They had microwave meals for dinner. I'm not pregnant. and I don't know where to start to climb out of all of this. I just want to sit and watch the world go by and do nothing and say nothing. Just take me to heaven and make me an angel or something because I am sucking at being a mortal. That's not normal is it?

I was thinking today that I am tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting for a child, I am tired of waiting to have patience with my kids, I am tired of waiting to be the perfect wife, I am tired of waiting to feel better, to have more energy. I am tired of working and coming home to a whole other job to start for the day. I'm sure that God is so not happy with me right now. I went to a friend's blog, and she too was having a bad day. So I looked up some verses to share with her that I knew I needed to hear today too. This is what I found... it may be a bit messed up because I cut and pasted and had to edit a bit...


Psalm 27:14Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13-14We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
Psalm 33:19-21Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Psalm 37:6-8 Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
Psalm 37:33-35 I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
Psalm 38:14-16 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
Psalm 40:1-3 See how they lie in wait for me! Fierce men conspire against me for no offense or sin of mine, O LORD.
Psalm 59:2-4 I wait for your salvation, O LORD, and I follow your commands.
Psalm 119:165-167 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:4-6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.


So what else is there to do but wait? I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of praying to God and straing to hear his answer and hearing nothing. I'm tired of wondering what in the world he is doing with my life. Why has he made me this way? Why do I fail him so much? Why can't he just FIX ME? I feel like I am constantly arguing with myself inside of my own head. The battle of good and evil. "think positive, pray about it, take your troubles to the Lord" "forget it! You have done this for so long and what do you have? No baby, no peace, no patience with your kids, no organization in your life, you suck, you fail, give it up!" I don't know what else to do. For tonight I am going to take a shower and then look up all of these verses. I can't hear God, so I guess I will just read his word.


PS~ Pregnancy blood test tomorrow, it will be negative (I took a hpt tonight and BFN) so then I will go for the biopsy at 3pm. I'll let you know how that goes and what we decide to do from here...

Wishing

I love the book of 1 Peter. That is where my title verse comes from, and I like this verse as well...
1 Peter 5-10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

I think that gives hope to all who are suffering, or have suffered, no matter what the issue. That promise that we will all be restored because He is our savior. He is the God of Grace. We will be strong, firm and steadfast. I can't wait!

I received my progesterone levels back. 12.8, this indicates that I did ovulate, but it is not high enough to indicate pregnancy. I need to look on the positive side and be thankful that I did ovulate on my own without medication, well, a little dose of hormone to help the egg release, but no Clomid.

I have felt crampy, I guess AF is on her way. This is a big let down. I just can’t put into words how badly I wanted this to work. The kids are getting older, Rich and I are getting older, and I just want this to happen so badly before we run out of time.

I will keep you posted on the biopsy. Hopefully I won’t have to have it done!

PS~ The picture above is where I wish I was. Those chairs are just waiting for Rich and I!!!

Nothing new to report. I am 9dpo (9 days past ovulation) and nothing much going on. I usually start to take HPTs at about 8 or 9 dpo, and then drive myself crazy testing until AF showes up. Well since I had the trigger, I cannot test. The trigger is a synthetic HCG hormone, and HCG is what is detected on a HPT, so if I was pregnant or if I was not, the HPT would detect the trigger and I would get a positive result. So no testing for me!

I am not having any symptoms, just mostly PMS symptoms. I'm thinnking that I may start AF sometime in the next few days. If I do I don't think that I can have the biopsy. I think that has to be done before AF. So I guess God will answer that prayer in his own way!

I have the blood test to detect pregnancy scheduled for Friday morning. We should have results by Friday afternoon. If AF showes up before then, obviously I don't have to do the blood test.

I will be sure to keep you posted! Continue to keep us in your prayers.

Finally, the egg has hatched

I went to the RE yesterday for my second u/s this week. My folicle Tues was 15mm, today it was 21mm so they gave me a trigger shot of HSG hormone in the hip (ouch!) and said to BD Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I am so glad that this cycle wasn't a bust!!! I have my beta (blood test for pregnancy) the 20th and if it is negative I have to have the uterine biopsy which I do not want to have!! I was telling God that he could answer two prayers at once if he would give us our baby this month. 1st, a baby and 2nd, no biopsy!! Rich said that he doesn't think God is into bargins!

I got a positive ovulation test last night and my much anticipated temp spike this morning meaning that I ovulated last night on cycle day 19. I have never taken that long to ovulate! Let's hope that my body took so long because it was growing a strong healthy egg!!!!!

I'm hopeful that this month is the month!!! If we did get pregnant in the next few days our due date would be on or around March 29th, 2008. That is close to Khloe's birthday, so it must have been this time 8 years ago that we got pregnant with her!

Morning all. I have not had such a wonderful day so far today. My best friend called me bright and early to tell me that she got her BFP today with her surrogate child. I knew this was coming, but it doesn't make it any easier. It was so hard to hear that she has gotten a BFP and it isn't even her child. She went in for IVF, and *poof* she's pregnant! I've tried for 4 1/2 years and nothing. It hurts bad. I am not looking forward to listening to her complain for the next nine months. I just feel like telling her that I don't want to hear about it at all. I don't want to hear the complaints of morning sickness, I don't want to hear the complaints about the shots, I don't want to hear about the kicking and how her clothes don't fit and how she found the cutest maternity top! *sigh* I'm not being very nice am I? She is my friend and I talk to her at least twice every day. It is inevitable that I am going to hear all of this stuff... I just hope that God gives me the grace and patients to deal with it for the next nine months.

To top off the good news, I still haven’t Oed. Cd18… no O. Rich is HOME, we can BD whenever we want/need to and no O in sight. This has never happened. I go for another u/s tomorrow. I don’t know why, if I haven’t Oed there is nothing they can do about it. I’m just about ready to throw in the towel and admit defeat. This TTC rollercoaster is a bit to much for me, and I’m thinking I may just be done with the ride.

Pray for wisdom, please.

First cd14 U/S

Hey all! I just got done at the RE’s office. No temp spike yet, no + OPK, but they said they need to see me by cd15, and I am cd16 today so I had to go in. She did the u/s and looked at my ovaries and checked the follicles in each ovary. She said that perhaps I had Oed last night or this morning, but she was unsure. She did a progesterone blood draw and that will tell us if I did or not. I will have the results after 1 today. She also did and after intercourse test and said it looked “okay”. Not great, but not to bad. She said my lining looks good. If the progesterone blood draw comes back negative, I have to go back on Friday (for another $300 appointment, ugh!). I’ll let you know when I hear what the progesterone is. I don’t think I have Oed, so I expect a negative.

Another devotion to share... The First Desperate Housewife

By Micca Campbell

Genesis 39:7 “And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, ‘Lie with me.’” (KJV)

Devotion: I admit it. I used to be a Soap fan when I was a teenager. Lured by the romance and drama, I assumed real life as an adult would play out in the same fashion. Boy, was I wrong! While there’s plenty of drama in my life, romance is something that has to be scheduled most of the time. Real life isn’t like what we see on TV or read about in romance novels. In fact, these images can be dangerous to both single and married people alike. When our ideas about life leave us dissatisfied, we can easily be tempted to look at other options. Soap operas, pornography and romance novels encourage risky behavior that can lead to sin. Often married people convince themselves that just looking or dreaming about being with someone other than their spouse is okay as long as they don’t actually do anything about it. Likewise, some single people feel that they can lust after another as long as they remain “physically pure.”

Jesus said, “’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart’” (Matthew 5:28 NIV).

That goes for us gals, too. I imagine that Potiphar’s wife could be described as the “first desperate housewife.” She didn’t have TV or a romance novel to read. She had something better, Joseph. He was the head workman in charge who conveniently lived in her home and was pleasing to her sight. Unknown to Joseph, he was about to become the prey of a desperate housewife. This Egyptian woman didn’t happen to notice Joseph one day and then on the spur of the moment, ask Joseph to lie down with her. No. Our key verse tells us she “cast her eyes upon Joseph” and spoke with him day after day. In other words, she watched him, she flirted with him, and she dreamed about him until her sinful thoughts led to action. Her husband ought to have been to her a “covering of the eyes” from all others. Instead, with the lust in her heart, she was daring and shameless in her sin. How do we keep from falling into such sin? We should follow Job’s example. "’I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl [or boy]’” (Job 31:1).

We each have a great need and responsibility to make a covenant with our eyes. Remember that children’s song often sang in Sunday school ... “Be careful little eyes what you see? Oh, be careful little eyes what you see. For the Father up above is looking down in love. Oh, be careful little eyes what you see. ”We can protect our eyes by choosing not to watch movies, pornography or TV shows that glamorize sexuality and can lead us into temptation. Our own husbands should be the covering of our eyes that protect us from looking at others. Besides, the grass is not always greener on the other side. I also realize that we are human and we make mistakes. No one is perfect this side of heaven. That’s why it’s so important to be on guard. Another way to safe guard ourselves is to commit to taking hold of any lustful thoughts and quickly put them out of our minds. Temptation is not a sin. It’s when we dwell on the temptation that we are led to sinful actions. Don’t be like Potiphar’s wife. Ask God to give you “eyes” for the spouse you already have.


Dear Lord, Forgive me for where I have fallen short. I commit to You today to take every lustful thought captive so that it doesn’t lead me into sin. May all my thoughts be pleasing to You, in Jesus’ Name, Amen.


Related Resources:
What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood
Becoming the Woman of His Dreams by Sharon Jaynes
Blessing Your Husband by Debra Evans (I added this one because a friend read it and shared some of it and it looks like a great book!)

Application Steps: If you are having trouble in this area, find a trustworthy accountability partner who you can share honestly with about your struggles. Agree to hold each other accountable to God’s truths and to pray for one another. When these thoughts enter your mind, turn to God’s Word, prayer and your accountability partner.

Reflections: In what ways can you protect your eyes from lustful images? Practice thinking on what is true, right and pure. Are you addicted to soap operas or romance novels? If so, what steps will you take today to move away from this stronghold in your life?
Power Verses: 2 Corinthians 10:5, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (NIV) Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” (NIV)

Some of you know, some of you don't, that my marriage has been impacted this year with the issues spoke about in this devotion. What started out as an innocent visit to a WWE website very quickly turned into a pornography addiction. It took less than three months. It went from once a week to every day. It went from two websites to hundreds. In less than three months. It is so important for all of us to guard our hearts and our eyes. Thoughts in your head can quickly turn into actions and soon you are looking back at you life wondering what happened. We were fortunate that God loves us enough to put an end to this addiction in an abrupt and immediate way. He slapped Rich with a DIU, which lead me to reach out to a friend for help, who told me what to do to handle my fears about the DUI, which lead to a confession from my husband about what I would find on his computer. We are fortunate that God loves us and cares about our marriage so much that he stopped Rich before his addiction could turn into something physical. Rich knew he needed to stop, he tried, but he couldn't do it on his own, and he was to ashamed to reach out and ask for help. God knew. God helped.

If you are reading this right now thinking ‘oh that would NEVER happen to me, my husband loves me, we have a great marriage’, please do not think that something like this cannot happen to you. I thought that my marriage was rock solid. I thought that I was the only woman that my husband had eyes for. I thought that God invested so much time building my marriage over the past two years that he would protect it from harm. It can happen to your marriage.

I am still working through the hurts. We are still in counseling. I found a lot of help and information in the book I Surrender All: Rebuilding A Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay and Renee Crosse. This book is amazing and has helped me a lot. Here is their site... http://www.holyhomes.org/default.aspx

Something so simple as a thought can ruin your marriage. You could wake up and find a fatherless home, a child’s broken heart, your dreams gone. Guard your hearts.

The devotion got me thinking...

I have a friend that posts daily devotions on my Infertility Board. Hope is an amazing Christian with amazing strength. She shared this and it touched me:

Was It Lack of Faith that Caused Him to Die?
(Edited for sake of space)
By Sharon Glasgow

“Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him. He also shall be my salvation.” Job 13: 15 (NKJ)

Devotion:
Why is it that some people are healed and some are not? People were healed miraculously in the Bible and others lost their families like Job. We see Stephen in the book of Acts who was actively preaching Christ and was stoned to death. It surely was not lack of faith that caused Stephen to die, nor was God incapable of saving Job’s family. We yearn so desperately for answers to why the horrible things happen, but God doesn’t come down and explain. Could it be sin standing in the way of our prayers? Could it be a lack of faith? Or could it just be God’s will, which we often don’t fully comprehend? We simply won’t always know why certain things have to happen in our life - until the end of time when God wipes the tears from every eye and makes all things new. Then and only then will we know the answers, and fairness will reign. Until that day we must trust in God that He knows best. Have faith that God can heal, and does heal. But trust Him when He doesn’t answer your prayers the way you prayed. I don’t believe lack of faith or sin had anything to do with the loss of Job’s family or Stephen’s life. May Job’s life speak to your heart in that he trusted God even in the midst of his agony and didn’t lose his faith in his mighty God. If you or someone you know is sick or needs a miracle, pray believing that God will work a miracle. I have witnessed the miraculous power of prayer over the sick many times and I know that God can do all things. I also know that you can trust Him no matter what the outcome is.

Dear Lord, Help me to trust you even in the valley of the shadow of death. Lift me up when I am weak and help me to be strong. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Related Resources: When You’re Running on Empty by Cindi McMenamin

Application Steps: Take time to write your prayers in a journal. You will be amazed to look back and see how God’s hand was with you all along, even though He didn’t seem to be answering for long periods of time. Write past prayers answered, it will encourage you today. Reflections: Is there someone in your life going through the valley of the shadow of death? How can you walk along side of them and help carry them through this hard time?

Power Verses: Philippians 1:19-20, “For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or death.” (NKJ)

James 5: 13-14, “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him will oil in the name of the Lord.” (NKJ)

This devotion really spoke to me. How many times have I questioned God choices for my life and others? I remember a huge one was when Rich lost his job in 2003. Four years later I look back and see God with us and working through that time. I ask myself why God has chosen to lead my husband into an addiction that could ruin our marriage after he took so many years to help us repair our marriage. I ask myself why a mother would drown or hang her children, but God won't give me another one. I beg and plead for the life of an unborn boy that is in organ failure at 24 weeks maturity. His mother could not get pregnant and had IVF at the age of 39. She is now pregnant with twins and has been told that the boy will die and may put her into pre-mature labor with her daughter. Why give her a child, just to take him away before he even takes his first breath?

As I was praying last night for healing for my friends Trish and Becky as they go through their bible study I realized something. At first I asked God that they would be completely healed from all of their past hurts and that they would find answers and hope in this study that they are doing. Then I thought that perhaps "completely healed" was a bit much to ask, so I asked that God would give them the tools that they need to begin to work through some past hurts and begin to move on and repair their hearts and fears. Then I wondered if any of us would ever really be “completely healed.”

The conclusion that I came to last night in the middle of my prayer was that I don’t think that we will find complete healing this side of heaven. I think that there are demons that you will struggle with your whole earthly life. (That gives you so much hope, right?) I think that there are many, many whys that will not ever be answered in this lifetime. I may never know why God has made my life a constant struggle until I see Him face to face and ask Him. That doesn’t give me much comfort, but it does give me understanding. I realize that I may never have all of the answers, but I can only hope and pray that each day brings a little more peace and understanding to each of us in whatever situation we find ourselves in at that time.

Back in the saddle again

My friend Talena had a baby. Annaca Raine was born on Father's Day, June 17th. She weighed 6lbs, .7oz and is 17.7 inches long. I held her... she is this big ( )!!! I want one!!! I had all but given up on the dream.

Holding little Annaca yesterday just tugged at my heartstrings and made me realize that I am not quite ready to let go of that dream. I feel like I am close, but not totally ready. I do feel that God will resolve those feelings soon. I feel like I am close to an answer, I feel like I am close to either a baby, or acceptance that there are no more babies for us. Soooooooooooo....

I called the RE's office this morning and had them refresh me on my "plan of action". Rich and I talked this morning and we are going to give it all we've got for the next 4-6 months and if there is no baby then we will throw in the towel. Our kids are getting older every day and we don’t want a huge age difference. Also I have a little princess that is about to enter her pre-teen years with her younger sister right on her heals. I think that pre-teen girls have just about as much neediness as a newborn, and I don’t want to have to juggle both! I do not want to be dealing with the hormones of two teenagers and colic of a newborn at the same time. So I think that we will give it until the end of the year, and then Rich will go in for the big snip snip! I start temping again tomorrow, using the fertility monitor and call the RE’s office with ovulation. Then I will have an u/s to look and see what is going on in there at O time. At the end of the cycle I will have a biopsy to check the uterine lining and make sure it is in good shape and thick enough to support an embryo. Hopefully we will have some answers at the end of this cycle. She did review the HSG and said that the left tube is open but she could not tell about the right. I’m sure she will recommend to repeat the HSG, I’m not sure I want to do that, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. So I am a bit excited to get going again. The break has been really really nice though. No stressing, no temping, no POAS! I hope that I can go about this without becoming overly obsessed!

Rich and I are still in counseling. We are still working on things. I have had some deep hurts recently in relationships with friends and some with family. Life has been a bit crazy and overwhelming. A friend shared a piece of scripture with me yesterday that I printed and have on my desk: 1 Peter 1:6-7 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. I like that verse and I was looking at it today, I realized how close it is to the verse I have kept very close to my heart for the past few years in regard to my infertility journey, 1 Peter 4 12-13 Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. I guess I have to trust that one way or another God’s plan in all of this will be revealed to me and it will all make sense. I can’t wait for that day!

I was at Women of Faith last weekend and took the verse Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength. and Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." There have been many things that I thought were impossible this year. It has been a hard year. These verses keep me grounded and speak the truth to my heart when Satan is trying to take advantage of my weaknesses.

I will keep you updated on our progress.

Going Under Cover

I've gone private! If you are reading this then you are officially "on the list". If you do not want to be on the list just let me know and I can take you off. This blog will now only be able to be viewed by people that I want to have access to it. I think that I will feel more comfortable sharing what is going on in my life, and hopefully help others grow in some small way through reading this. You ladies are a very important part of my life, thank you all for your support and encouragement through this tough time!

I have canceled all appointments with the RE, I have put down the thermometer and the fertility monitor for the time being. Our focus right now needs to be 100% on rebuilding our marriage. Once that is stable, we will reevaluate TTC. Surprisingly, that is ok with me. Once your world is rocked to the bitter core, you put things into perspective. Although I once thought that my life would not be complete until I had another child, I now know that my life is complete, as long as I have Rich by my side as my husband and best friend, and as the father to the beautiful children that God has blessed me abundantly with and as long as I always put my faith and my future fully in the hands of the God that is the only one to control it all.

The journey to a baby is now on hold until further notice. Right now I need peace that passes all understanding from my Father for many other areas in my life. I pray that those prayers are answered over time, and perhaps we will visit the prospect of another child again sometime in the future.

Is the grass greener on the other side?

When I am asked 'What is your favorite color?', my reply is always 'the color of the grass in the springtime.' I LOVE when the grass starts to turn green in the spring. Monday, we had brown grass, Tuesday, I noticed green grass here and there, Wednesday, more green grass still... today, the world is covered in green grass! Oh how I love Spring! I seem to forget through the course of the year how much I love spring, but once it is here, it is such a breath of fresh air... literally! I look around and see the green grass and it is like my soul takes a big long much needed, much overdue stretch and lets out a sigh of contentment. *sigh* Spring...

With the arrival of the beautiful weather, the urge flares up in full force to sit on my white front porch swing in the cool night air and swing and talk on the phone to a good friend and smoke! I have not been smoking since August. This is the longest I have ever gone. Sure I steal a smoke here and there, maybe once every few months. But this weather just makes me want to start all over again. I know that if it weren't for the possibility of getting pregnant and then having to quit all over again I would be sitting on that front porch swing right now instead of here sitting at my computer typing!

So things went well at the RE's office today. She took a history for about 1/2 hour. Then she did an exam and did an u/s to see my uterus and ovaries. She said both looked good. She wants to monitor me with my next cycle, it starts in about a week. I will go in for an u/s the day that I ovulate. She wants DH and I to BD four hours before I come in so that she can check that out too. At the end of that cycle they will do a HCG blood draw to see if I am pregnant, and I am not she will do a uterine biopsy. That does not sound like much fun. She took blood for a progesterone and also blood from Rich & I to test for sperm antiboties. They will freeze the blood for now, and Rich has to go in and give a sperm sample on a Tues or Thurs morning so that they can run the test. She said the sperm count looked good, and my previous blood work looked good. She ordered the flims from my HSG and she will determine when she sees them if she thinks that a lap is needed. She said that she would do the lap to remove the blockage and also look for endometriosis. Overall I think the appt went well. I wasn't floating on cloud nine after, she did not make any promises. I asked what the next step will be if all comes back clear and she avoided the question. There was no talk of IUI or IVF. I was surprised at that.

Honestly, I think that I thought we would jump right into IUI with injectables this next cycle. I guess things don't move that quickly. Rich said they want to do all the tests to drain all of your money first. I do see the point of it though, they need to make sure there are no problems before they get you pregnant. I can't say that I feel any more excited or hopeful after the visit. That is a bit of a letdown. Anyway, Rich is home, so I am off to spend time with him... 'Night!

Today is the big day! I think I am just starting to get excited about it. I have been so busy with work and running the kids around that I just haven't given the appointment much thought. Well the big day is here! Rich is on his way home as I type, and we will meet at the RE's office. I will try to update tonight! Wish us luck! And say a little prayer that whatever decisions are made today, they will be right for all five in our family, and they will carry out the Lord's will for out lives!

A bit Crude

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Just a quick note to update on our status. I had my hysterosalapingography last Friday. the OB said that everything looked good. I was on my merry way with no worries. I got a call from her office on Tuesday, called them back on Wednesday, and they told me that the radiology report indicated a blocked fallopian tube. It is my right one, the side that I always have pain on. So we will follow up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist at our appointment on Friday the 23rd. I believe that the only option is to have surgery to remove the blockage. We are undecided as to what will do at this point, but I will probably be having the surgery. We have had a pretty slow few months on the TTC front, simply because our timing has been off because Rich has been out of town during the “fertile period.”

I will update after our appointment with the RE next week. This is a good link about the HCG test if you want to know more: http://www.advancedfertility.com/hsg.htm

RE, here I come!

I had my appointment with my OB yesterday. Nothing to exciting to report. They took my blood for the cd21 progesterone draw, I should have those results Monday. I met with the doc, and she said that she would recommend Clomid for another few months and she would like to do a HSG. Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that examines the inside of uterus and fallopian tubes and the surrounding area. It often is done for women who are unable to become pregnant (infertile). During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye called contrast material is injected through a thin tube that is inserted through the vagina into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are connected, the contrast material will flow into the fallopian tubes. As the contrast material passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes, continuous X-ray pictures are taken. The pictures can reveal problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or blockage that would prevent an egg passing through a fallopian tube from reaching the uterus. Blockage also could prevent sperm from traveling into a fallopian tube and fertilizing an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may detect abnormalities on the inside of the uterus that might prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall. See an illustration of a hysterosalpingogram. (taken from webmd)

I am scheduled for the HSG March 9th. She said that if all appears normal, she would then refer me to an RE. I called the RE's office that I had been in contact with last week, and scheduled and appointment for the 23rd. That appointment is a 2 hour appointment to take a history and develop a game plan. I am looking forward to that!

In the meantime, I will not be continuing the Clomid. The side effects were just to much. I have a herbal supplement called Ovulex that I have about a months worth of, and I will take that next month in addition to an herbal FertiliTea. This next cycle should be a bit of a relaxation before we start with the RE.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Aren't we a cute couple!? We make really cute babies!!

The title is a sigh of relief and relaxation. Things are pretty quiet on the TTC front. This month has actually been quite relaxing. I know that I am not pregnant, so there is not all of the stress and worry in the 2 week wait. Kinda freeing! I have my blood work and meet with my OB on Wednesday. I am looking forward to that. I have also been in contact with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I found out that my insurance will cover all appointments with her at 80%. If we decide to move ahead with the IUI (inter uterine insemination) that will also be covered at 80%. IVF is also covered up to 4 cycles. While we will not do IVF, it is amazing to find out that we have such amazing coverage. I had gotten a print out from out insurance last year, but I must have misread things, because I thought we had a $1000 max for infertility coverage. Come to find out, we have no max at all. So that was definitely good news. My OB does IUIs, so I'm not sure if we will continue treatment with her or change over to the RE. I'll know more after the appt on Wednesday.

Our Pastor's message spoke to me yesterday and got my mind going. He was asking what is it that you need to give up. What is that you love more than God. What is it that you just need to turn over to God. So I have been thinking... Do I hold on too tightly to trying to have a baby month after month? Have I turned it over to God 100%? Do I love the concept of having another baby more than God? Do I put that before God? Do I spend more time in my day thinking of TTC and all that goes along with it than I spend thinking about God and all the good he has done for me? Am I happy with today or am I constantly looking into tomorrow? Do I live in the moment and appreciate it for all that it's worth, or do I dwell on the things I don't have? I know that I have given this battle to God, but how many times have I taken it back? If we do IUI is that trying to override/rush God's timing? Should we just stop all of this? Should we go ahead with the IUI if Rich is out of town during our fertile time?

I know the answers to some of these questions, some I am still thinking about.

Love, God

You know you have really frustrated God when he sends you an e-mail. I got this in an e-mail today...

Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you.

P.S. And, remember...If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself !! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have touched their life in ways you will never know! Now, you have a nice day,
God