Waiting... still

These are a pair of hammocks waiting for me...

So the title of my blog is Waiting for His glory to be revealed. Well I'm just about tired of waiting. Today has been a terrible day. I am PMSing, feeling sorry for myself, being jelous, being short tempered, fed up, feeling hopeless and not feeling much like a good christian at all. I am feeling like giving up. Giving up on it all. And I would. Today has been an overwhelming day, and I am convinced that the only thing that has kept me here is God himself. Have you ever had one of those days? One of those days that you just cannot tolerate one more minute of your own life? I have never came to a point in my life that I have felt that way, but I got there today. Outsiders looking in will say 'but you have so much to be thankful for, you have such a wonderful family and husband and house and cars and blah blah blah'. But I feel like I am failing at every single thing in my life, and I don't see a way out. I have been WAITING and PRAYING and I still suck!

Another friend of mine found out that she is pregnant today. She and I were on the same cycle. She had and IUI and a trigger shot the day before I did at the same RE. So we have been in this 2ww together and going through symptoms together, and today she got her beta #s back, 202. Those are very good numbers. She may be having twins. I cheered her on every step of the way through this 2ww. Then today when she told me she was pregnant I was so happy for her... for about three seconds and then I just sobbed. I sobbed and I couldn't stop. The jelousy and the envy... oh it is terrible. I don't want to do that!!! I don't want to be jelous of the babies that others have!!! I truly am so happy for her and her husband. I have been praying for them for such a long time! So why does the big green monster of envy have to pop out?

My house is a total mess. My yard is about 14 inches high, and weeds have long since taken over my flower gardens. My pool is green, my van is broken. My husband's taxes for 2006 are not paid. I snapped at my kids, AGAIN! I did not read the bedtime story or say bedtime prayers. They had microwave meals for dinner. I'm not pregnant. and I don't know where to start to climb out of all of this. I just want to sit and watch the world go by and do nothing and say nothing. Just take me to heaven and make me an angel or something because I am sucking at being a mortal. That's not normal is it?

I was thinking today that I am tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting for a child, I am tired of waiting to have patience with my kids, I am tired of waiting to be the perfect wife, I am tired of waiting to feel better, to have more energy. I am tired of working and coming home to a whole other job to start for the day. I'm sure that God is so not happy with me right now. I went to a friend's blog, and she too was having a bad day. So I looked up some verses to share with her that I knew I needed to hear today too. This is what I found... it may be a bit messed up because I cut and pasted and had to edit a bit...


Psalm 27:14Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13-14We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
Psalm 33:19-21Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Psalm 37:6-8 Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
Psalm 37:33-35 I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
Psalm 38:14-16 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
Psalm 40:1-3 See how they lie in wait for me! Fierce men conspire against me for no offense or sin of mine, O LORD.
Psalm 59:2-4 I wait for your salvation, O LORD, and I follow your commands.
Psalm 119:165-167 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:4-6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.


So what else is there to do but wait? I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of praying to God and straing to hear his answer and hearing nothing. I'm tired of wondering what in the world he is doing with my life. Why has he made me this way? Why do I fail him so much? Why can't he just FIX ME? I feel like I am constantly arguing with myself inside of my own head. The battle of good and evil. "think positive, pray about it, take your troubles to the Lord" "forget it! You have done this for so long and what do you have? No baby, no peace, no patience with your kids, no organization in your life, you suck, you fail, give it up!" I don't know what else to do. For tonight I am going to take a shower and then look up all of these verses. I can't hear God, so I guess I will just read his word.


PS~ Pregnancy blood test tomorrow, it will be negative (I took a hpt tonight and BFN) so then I will go for the biopsy at 3pm. I'll let you know how that goes and what we decide to do from here...