My sitter cleaned a lot today, so we were able to enjoy a night out for a bike ride. The kids each took turns being first and getting to take us all anywhere they wanted. I was always last. As I was watching my three precious children in front of me, I was thinking of how glad I was that I had put the flags on their bikes. Before the flags, I would be afraid that they would be hard to spot and would get hit (I sometimes have very irrational fears). With the flags, I feel that they are "well marked" and easy to see, so I feel safer on bike rides. I was thinking tonight how I wish they could have "flags" in all areas of life. "Flags" that would set them apart and keep them safe, what a burden would be lifted if I didn't have to worry that my children would always be safe. I often forget that God loves them more than I do, I often forget that they are just on loan to me, and I very often forget not to worry, in general.

This picture is special (although not very clear, as I only had my cell phone to use). The kids are playing in the creek that I loved playing in as a kid. I even took my shoes off and got in and splashed around a bit with them! We had a good time tonight with some good family time. I thanked God for the patience I had with them, and for the special time we spent together.

We were watching home videos this weekend. It started with our wedding. That was so neat to see again. We hadn't watched it in a long time. The kids loved it. We also got out a movie that was Khloe's birth to her first birthday. It was amazing to see how much my girls have grown. I literally felt like I was watching someone else's life. I cannot believe how fast time flies. It was amazing to see myself, so calm and encouraging and confident in my mothering. I can't believe how different I am now. Life moves at such a fast pace these days. Back then, my one and only job was to be a mom and wife. All I had to worry about was making my family happy and being the best Mommy ever! I had a husband that was home every night, I cooked and cleaned and taught my girls their ABCs and so many songs that even I had forgotten. It was amazing to glimpse into that former life. It tore at my heart. It made me long for that even more. If I were to have another child, I would quit my job and be a stay at home mom again. I would love to quit my job tomorrow, and Rich always tells me to do it, but I just don't have the courage and can't quite justify it with three kids in school. If I had another child at home, I would get that life back. That Mommy life.

Growing up, if you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always the same, a Mommy. Not a teacher or a nurse or a singer or a movie star, a Mommy. I lived my dream for a long time, and then Rich lost his job and I was forced back into the work field. Now I have been at my job for almost 4 years, and I just can't quit. I have the perfect hours, I drop the kids at school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon, I make good money, I work with pretty good people, I am pretty much my own boss, it's a great job. I would give it up in a split second to stay home with my baby. I have told God this, and it is another thing that baffles me. Doesn't he want me to be able to stay at home?