My stat counter continues to go up... are you still coming here? Checking on me? That is sweet... and surprising. I have thought many times about something I want to write here. Things I should share, things I want to post... but I just never seem to make it here.
It's still raw.
It's still hard.
But there are good days.
And there are days that I don't think about a baby.
And there are days that my heart still breaks, and my soul still yearns, and I still lose my breath.
There are still Daddies pulling toddlers in little red wagons.
There are still babies at Kohls shopping with their mommies.
There are still strollers everywhere at the mall on a Wednesday afternoon.
There are still toddler bible song cassett tapes in my house.
Two weeks ago I threw them out.
I will never have those moments again.
*poof*
all the wind leaves my lungs... all the breath is stolen by those thoughts and by those moments
I went to my last day of kindergarten this week. Family fun day! My little Drew buddy sang his little songs and did his little play... and today I dropped them off for their last day of school. No more kindergarten for me. No hope of another family fun day invitation with a 6 year old's handwritten "Yippee!". I shake my head in disbelief, and another tiny crack splits my heart.
They grow up so fast. I cannot believe that in three short months I will have a 6th grader. I think that it is a bit harder to deal with that, knowing that I don't have another chance. Knowing that my baby days are over. Knowing that my kids are getting so big, and so independant, and growing up... and there will not be another little one for me to cuddle and love and take to their first day of school.
This is a healing process and I am still processing. I am healing, but still hurting. I wish that we could have made that decision, and all of the wants and desires for another child would go away. I wish that with that decision, all of the pain and longing would go away, but it doesn't. I'm not sure that it ever completly will.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
It is Well
Sorry I have been MIA. My computer at home is not working. HPV was negative. YAY! I guess the protocol for follow up is to repeat the pap in a year.
So what is next?... Nothing. Nothing is next. Isn’t that odd? No plans, no doctors appointments scheduled… nothing. We have decided that the GIFT procedure is not for us. So I am on my first cycle drug free in quite some time. My body is a bit confused and I wonder how long it will take to regulate my cycles again.
I have thought about my key verse. I have thought about what my answer is. I have been “Waiting For His Glory to be Revealed”. So now what does that mean. I have been thinking about that, and I will do an entry about what I think that means and what the answers are that I have found along this journey. I am working on that entry in my mind, there are still some questions to be answered. I will post my thoughts soon.
We closed our worship service on Sunday with communion. The song that was played during the communion time was “It is Well”. I had always said that if we ever did get pregnant I would announce it to the church and we would sing the song “Glory”.
Glory, glory in the highest,
Glory, to the Almighty,
Glory to the Lamb of God,
And glory to the Living Word,
Glory to the Lamb.
I give glory (glory),
Glory (glory) glory,
Glory to the Lamb,
I give glory (glory),
Glory (glory) glory,
So what is next?... Nothing. Nothing is next. Isn’t that odd? No plans, no doctors appointments scheduled… nothing. We have decided that the GIFT procedure is not for us. So I am on my first cycle drug free in quite some time. My body is a bit confused and I wonder how long it will take to regulate my cycles again.
I have thought about my key verse. I have thought about what my answer is. I have been “Waiting For His Glory to be Revealed”. So now what does that mean. I have been thinking about that, and I will do an entry about what I think that means and what the answers are that I have found along this journey. I am working on that entry in my mind, there are still some questions to be answered. I will post my thoughts soon.
We closed our worship service on Sunday with communion. The song that was played during the communion time was “It is Well”. I had always said that if we ever did get pregnant I would announce it to the church and we would sing the song “Glory”.
Glory, glory in the highest,
Glory, to the Almighty,
Glory to the Lamb of God,
And glory to the Living Word,
Glory to the Lamb.
I give glory (glory),
Glory (glory) glory,
Glory to the Lamb,
I give glory (glory),
Glory (glory) glory,
Glory to the Lamb,
I give glory to the Lamb.
And if I never got pregnant, I was hoping that I would be able to sing “It is Well”. I didn’t sing it on Sunday, but I felt that it was a message from God. A sweet song that spoke to my heart and I believe that He sent it just for me.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
And if I never got pregnant, I was hoping that I would be able to sing “It is Well”. I didn’t sing it on Sunday, but I felt that it was a message from God. A sweet song that spoke to my heart and I believe that He sent it just for me.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot,
Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well,
with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet,
though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well,
with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross,
and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well,
with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound,
and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well,
with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
No News
No news yet. I am still waiting on the HPV test results. I called yesterday and they said it should be today around 1 or 2:00. It was kinda funny because when I called I said that I was wanting to get my HPV results and the lady that answered the call said "You need your HCG results?" I thought how odd it was that I have called so many times for HCG results, but now I am wanting a HPV test back. funny how life unfolds.
I am feeling a bit better about all of this. I really think that all is going to be ok. The nurse from the clinic in Chicago had me all worked up, but my local GYN thinks that it is going to be fine and she was not upset about it at all. The Chicago office was talking biopsies, how far "advanced" "it" was, etc. and the GYN's office locally said they would just repeat in 3 months if the HPV is + and repeat in a year if it was -.
I will update with results. Thanks for the prayers.
I am feeling a bit better about all of this. I really think that all is going to be ok. The nurse from the clinic in Chicago had me all worked up, but my local GYN thinks that it is going to be fine and she was not upset about it at all. The Chicago office was talking biopsies, how far "advanced" "it" was, etc. and the GYN's office locally said they would just repeat in 3 months if the HPV is + and repeat in a year if it was -.
I will update with results. Thanks for the prayers.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Not Good News
I have to share a secret…
Rich and I went to Chicago last week to talk with a doctor about the GIFT procedure. After much conversation, we felt that this last step was something that we should at least look into. We went for the appointment and talked with the doctor, met with the IVF/GIFT coordinator and Rich and I both had an exam. We liked the clinic a lot, but wanted some time to think about what we wanted to do. We were not sure if we would go ahead with the GIFT procedure or not.
Today I received a call from the clinic. I was fully expecting it to be the IVF/GIFT coordinator to discuss the plan. It was a nurse calling to tell me that I had an abnormal pap smear and I needed to schedule a biopsy. She said that no further infertility treatment could be done until there was further information about the abnormal cells that were found on my cervix.
I…am…terrified.
My mom had cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy when she was about my age. She found out through an abnormal pap when she was undergoing treatment for infertility. That is where my brain goes immediately. Is the same thing going to happen to me? Has God been telling me NO about having another child and I have not been listening and so now He is going to take my uterus from me to drive home his point?
I'm sure that Rich is terrified as well. He lost his mom to lymph node cancer that spread to her breast. He does not like the word cancer, especially when it is being talked about regarding his bride.
Please pray for me. Please pray for Rich. It has been a tough week. There are a few other things going on and I have a cold and we need your prayers.
Rich and I went to Chicago last week to talk with a doctor about the GIFT procedure. After much conversation, we felt that this last step was something that we should at least look into. We went for the appointment and talked with the doctor, met with the IVF/GIFT coordinator and Rich and I both had an exam. We liked the clinic a lot, but wanted some time to think about what we wanted to do. We were not sure if we would go ahead with the GIFT procedure or not.
Today I received a call from the clinic. I was fully expecting it to be the IVF/GIFT coordinator to discuss the plan. It was a nurse calling to tell me that I had an abnormal pap smear and I needed to schedule a biopsy. She said that no further infertility treatment could be done until there was further information about the abnormal cells that were found on my cervix.
I…am…terrified.
My mom had cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy when she was about my age. She found out through an abnormal pap when she was undergoing treatment for infertility. That is where my brain goes immediately. Is the same thing going to happen to me? Has God been telling me NO about having another child and I have not been listening and so now He is going to take my uterus from me to drive home his point?
I'm sure that Rich is terrified as well. He lost his mom to lymph node cancer that spread to her breast. He does not like the word cancer, especially when it is being talked about regarding his bride.
Please pray for me. Please pray for Rich. It has been a tough week. There are a few other things going on and I have a cold and we need your prayers.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Related Devotion
March 27, 2008
Dealing with Unresolved Disappointment
By Glynnis Whitwer
"'Take away the stone.' He said. 'But Lord,' said Martha, the sister of the dead man, 'by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.'"
John 11:39 (NIV)
Devotion:
Mary and Martha's brother, Lazarus, was sick. Really sick. In fact, they were sure he was close to death. So they called for the one man they knew could heal Lazarus. That was their friend Jesus.
Messengers found Jesus about a day's journey from the sisters' home in Bethany . But when Jesus got the message about Lazarus, He didn't pack up and leave immediately. In fact, Jesus stayed put ... for two more days.
It wasn't that Jesus didn't care. He did. Jesus didn't lose track of the time either. No, the Bible tells us that Jesus intentionally delayed going to help saying "... it is for God's glory, so that God's son may be glorified through it" (John 11:4 NIV). Jesus had a plan, but Mary and Martha didn't know that. All they knew was their brother had died and Jesus didn't come in time.
The sisters were clearly disappointed in Jesus' lack of response. In fact, they both told Him so. Martha chided Jesus first, then Mary fell at Jesus' feet and echoed her sister's words, "Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died."
Jesus knew their pain. He felt it too. In fact, the Bible says that Jesus wept with them. Together the group of mourners made their way to the tomb, and when they arrived, Jesus made an unusual request -- that the stone in front of the opening be removed.
The sisters were shocked. Why would Jesus make this request? Didn't He realize how bad the body would smell? Martha even told Jesus so, perhaps to "remind" Him that her brother had been dead for four long days.
Mary and Martha were devastated. Not only had their brother died, but they knew Jesus could have changed the outcome of their brother's illness. In their minds, Jesus abandoned them in their time of greatest need. The sisters were grieving the loss of their brother, but I wonder if they were grieving because Jesus hadn't done what they asked. In fact, they were so sad and discouraged, when Jesus made a move to help, they wanted to leave the stone in front of the tomb.
Have you ever been disappointed with God's apparent lack of response? I have. It's disheartening when you know God could immediately change the outcome of your circumstances, but He seems absent. So there you sit, in the pain, grief and fear while God delays.
Martha even seems to have given up and accepted her grief and disappointment. She was ready to live with the "fact" that Jesus didn't care enough to heal Lazarus.
However that "fact" couldn't have been further from the truth. As the sisters gave in and moved the stone, Jesus showed them just how much He loved them. In a loud voice Jesus called, "Lazarus, come out!"
Jaws dropped, hearts pounded, wails turned to screams of joy as a formerly dead man walked out of the tomb ... very much alive. Jesus had never ignored their cry for help. He didn't disregard their pain. He hadn't abandoned them. He had a plan that included a delay.
Sometimes God's plans for us might include a delay. As we wait, may we learn from this story to not give up, to not accept grief as our lot in life and to expect God to turn our mourning into joy. Remember, He's coming right on time.
Dear Lord, please forgive me for all the times I have given up on You, and believed You have abandoned me to suffer. Help me to trust that You have a plan to bring about my healing, and bring joy back to my life, even though it may not look like what I had asked for. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Related Resources:
What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst
Your Scars are Beautiful to God by Sharon Jaynes
Visit Glynnis' Blog
Do You Know Jesus?
Application Steps:
Identify an event that has caused you great pain. Have you resigned yourself to live with that pain forever? If so, choose today to believe that God can do something about it.
Reflections:
Has God ever delayed answering one of your prayers? If so, could you see His good plan in the delay?
How does waiting on God develop our character?
What should our attitude be when we are waiting on God to answer our prayers?
Power Verses:
2 Peter 3:9, "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (NIV)
Psalm 17:6-7, "I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes." (NIV)
Romans 12:12, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (NIV)
Dealing with Unresolved Disappointment
By Glynnis Whitwer
"'Take away the stone.' He said. 'But Lord,' said Martha, the sister of the dead man, 'by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.'"
John 11:39 (NIV)
Devotion:
Mary and Martha's brother, Lazarus, was sick. Really sick. In fact, they were sure he was close to death. So they called for the one man they knew could heal Lazarus. That was their friend Jesus.
Messengers found Jesus about a day's journey from the sisters' home in Bethany . But when Jesus got the message about Lazarus, He didn't pack up and leave immediately. In fact, Jesus stayed put ... for two more days.
It wasn't that Jesus didn't care. He did. Jesus didn't lose track of the time either. No, the Bible tells us that Jesus intentionally delayed going to help saying "... it is for God's glory, so that God's son may be glorified through it" (John 11:4 NIV). Jesus had a plan, but Mary and Martha didn't know that. All they knew was their brother had died and Jesus didn't come in time.
The sisters were clearly disappointed in Jesus' lack of response. In fact, they both told Him so. Martha chided Jesus first, then Mary fell at Jesus' feet and echoed her sister's words, "Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died."
Jesus knew their pain. He felt it too. In fact, the Bible says that Jesus wept with them. Together the group of mourners made their way to the tomb, and when they arrived, Jesus made an unusual request -- that the stone in front of the opening be removed.
The sisters were shocked. Why would Jesus make this request? Didn't He realize how bad the body would smell? Martha even told Jesus so, perhaps to "remind" Him that her brother had been dead for four long days.
Mary and Martha were devastated. Not only had their brother died, but they knew Jesus could have changed the outcome of their brother's illness. In their minds, Jesus abandoned them in their time of greatest need. The sisters were grieving the loss of their brother, but I wonder if they were grieving because Jesus hadn't done what they asked. In fact, they were so sad and discouraged, when Jesus made a move to help, they wanted to leave the stone in front of the tomb.
Have you ever been disappointed with God's apparent lack of response? I have. It's disheartening when you know God could immediately change the outcome of your circumstances, but He seems absent. So there you sit, in the pain, grief and fear while God delays.
Martha even seems to have given up and accepted her grief and disappointment. She was ready to live with the "fact" that Jesus didn't care enough to heal Lazarus.
However that "fact" couldn't have been further from the truth. As the sisters gave in and moved the stone, Jesus showed them just how much He loved them. In a loud voice Jesus called, "Lazarus, come out!"
Jaws dropped, hearts pounded, wails turned to screams of joy as a formerly dead man walked out of the tomb ... very much alive. Jesus had never ignored their cry for help. He didn't disregard their pain. He hadn't abandoned them. He had a plan that included a delay.
Sometimes God's plans for us might include a delay. As we wait, may we learn from this story to not give up, to not accept grief as our lot in life and to expect God to turn our mourning into joy. Remember, He's coming right on time.
Dear Lord, please forgive me for all the times I have given up on You, and believed You have abandoned me to suffer. Help me to trust that You have a plan to bring about my healing, and bring joy back to my life, even though it may not look like what I had asked for. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Related Resources:
What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst
Your Scars are Beautiful to God by Sharon Jaynes
Visit Glynnis' Blog
Do You Know Jesus?
Application Steps:
Identify an event that has caused you great pain. Have you resigned yourself to live with that pain forever? If so, choose today to believe that God can do something about it.
Reflections:
Has God ever delayed answering one of your prayers? If so, could you see His good plan in the delay?
How does waiting on God develop our character?
What should our attitude be when we are waiting on God to answer our prayers?
Power Verses:
2 Peter 3:9, "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (NIV)
Psalm 17:6-7, "I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes." (NIV)
Romans 12:12, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (NIV)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Life Goes On
I’m feeling better. I just wanted you all to know that I feel your prayers and I am feeling better. Today is the first day of Spring, I have tulips coming up in my yard and I’m healing. Thank you for your prayers.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Lost
As life goes on, I find it hard to carry on the norm. Our decision to stop here was not a fun decision. Our conversation was not a happy one. There were harsh words spoken, there were hurtful accusations, there were many tears. I was hoping that we would be able to come to a decision that both of us were comfortable with. That did not happen.
I am walking around in a daze. In a way, it feels like a death. It feels like I have lost someone so close to me that I loved a whole lot. In reality, it is simply the death of a dream. I cannot tell you how many times I have envisioned my babies face. My dream had a face and it was soft and small and pink with dark hair and dark eyes. My dream had a name. If it was a boy, his name would be Charlie. Drew and I picked that out together. If it was a girl her name would be Paige Elizabeth Grace. I have lived the moment that I would meet my child so many times in my head. I have smelled my child, I have nursed my child. I have played the scene of the moment when Kaitlyn, Khloe and Drew would come into the room to meet their tiny new sibling. I have imagined the looks of love and wonderment on their faces. I have pictured in my mind how I would arrange the nursery. I have decided to use cloth diapers. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could once again be a stay at home mom. I pictured days of enjoying my four kids out by the pool. I have a picture that hangs on the wall of 6 snowmen. Each snowman has our names on them, but there is one blank snowman, waiting for our fourth child.
For five years I have thought of this child and how it would change our family. For five years I have loved this child, my child.
and now.
nothing.
That takes my breath away. That sucks the air out of my lungs and makes me dizzy. It churns the bile in my stomach. It paints my world gray. It takes the sparkle out of my eyes and the laugh out of my soul. It takes away my hope.
I have always had hope. There was always next cycle. There was always another plan, another chance.
and now.
nothing. There will not be another child. There is no hope of that. There are no nurseries to plan, there are no names to pick out. There are no tiny pink and blue hats to buy. There are no questions of ‘where will we be this time next year? will we have our child? will we celebrate next easter with a baby?’ There are no more doctors appointments, no more calls from the nurse.
Outside, life around me stays the same. Inside, I am forever changed and I don’t know how I find blue skys again.
I am walking around in a daze. In a way, it feels like a death. It feels like I have lost someone so close to me that I loved a whole lot. In reality, it is simply the death of a dream. I cannot tell you how many times I have envisioned my babies face. My dream had a face and it was soft and small and pink with dark hair and dark eyes. My dream had a name. If it was a boy, his name would be Charlie. Drew and I picked that out together. If it was a girl her name would be Paige Elizabeth Grace. I have lived the moment that I would meet my child so many times in my head. I have smelled my child, I have nursed my child. I have played the scene of the moment when Kaitlyn, Khloe and Drew would come into the room to meet their tiny new sibling. I have imagined the looks of love and wonderment on their faces. I have pictured in my mind how I would arrange the nursery. I have decided to use cloth diapers. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could once again be a stay at home mom. I pictured days of enjoying my four kids out by the pool. I have a picture that hangs on the wall of 6 snowmen. Each snowman has our names on them, but there is one blank snowman, waiting for our fourth child.
For five years I have thought of this child and how it would change our family. For five years I have loved this child, my child.
and now.
nothing.
That takes my breath away. That sucks the air out of my lungs and makes me dizzy. It churns the bile in my stomach. It paints my world gray. It takes the sparkle out of my eyes and the laugh out of my soul. It takes away my hope.
I have always had hope. There was always next cycle. There was always another plan, another chance.
and now.
nothing. There will not be another child. There is no hope of that. There are no nurseries to plan, there are no names to pick out. There are no tiny pink and blue hats to buy. There are no questions of ‘where will we be this time next year? will we have our child? will we celebrate next easter with a baby?’ There are no more doctors appointments, no more calls from the nurse.
Outside, life around me stays the same. Inside, I am forever changed and I don’t know how I find blue skys again.
Monday, March 17, 2008
We're Done
Talks went on this weekend between Rich and I and the final out come is this. We're done.
If I know you personally, in real life, please read this entry very carefully. I cannot even begin to put into words what I am feeling. Please please please don't ask me about this right now. I cannot talk about this all yet. Please don't ask me how I am, please don't ask me why, please don't give me one of those big long hugs that don't take words to know what you are saying. I absolutely cannot handle talking about this yet. I know that this is not the healthiest way to deal with this right now, but it the only way that I know how. Will I be okay? Yes, I will be okay. Will I ever be able to talk about this? Probably, but just not now. Will I ever be fully complete? Probably not this side of heaven. I cannot express the war that is going on inside of me, and I cannot handle opening my mouth to answer one "Are you okay?". I will fall apart. Please respect my emotions. I want to continue to have friendships and relationships, but I am afraid that if I am forced to talk with you about this right now, I will avoid you, and I don't want to lose my friendships.
I know that this may be a rambled post. Let's just pretend like all of this TTC business never happened for now.
Please pray for me. If you have prayed for me in the past, if you have never uttered my name to the Lord, I have never needed your prayers more than I do right now. Please pray for me.
If I know you personally, in real life, please read this entry very carefully. I cannot even begin to put into words what I am feeling. Please please please don't ask me about this right now. I cannot talk about this all yet. Please don't ask me how I am, please don't ask me why, please don't give me one of those big long hugs that don't take words to know what you are saying. I absolutely cannot handle talking about this yet. I know that this is not the healthiest way to deal with this right now, but it the only way that I know how. Will I be okay? Yes, I will be okay. Will I ever be able to talk about this? Probably, but just not now. Will I ever be fully complete? Probably not this side of heaven. I cannot express the war that is going on inside of me, and I cannot handle opening my mouth to answer one "Are you okay?". I will fall apart. Please respect my emotions. I want to continue to have friendships and relationships, but I am afraid that if I am forced to talk with you about this right now, I will avoid you, and I don't want to lose my friendships.
I know that this may be a rambled post. Let's just pretend like all of this TTC business never happened for now.
Please pray for me. If you have prayed for me in the past, if you have never uttered my name to the Lord, I have never needed your prayers more than I do right now. Please pray for me.
Friday, March 14, 2008
BFN
BFN, again and again and again and again! I tested yesterday, so I knew, but it still sucks to hear it. A nurse called, she must have been new because she wasn’t Brenda or Karen that I usually talk to. She said, “Kari, hi, I just wanted to let you know that I have your beta back and it was negative.” I said that yes, I pretty much knew that. She said “oh I wish I could tell you that it was positive.” This is the stupidest thing anyone from that office has ever said to me. I said, “well yes, we have been wishing that we could hear that from you for 18 months now.” IDIOT!!! I didn’t say the idiot part, but I really wanted to.
So now we decide what is next. I am really really struggling with this decision. Rich is going to be home this weekend and we really need to talk things out. I have sought information/counsel from other Christian friends as well. I need more information, more opinions, because I just can’t hear God giving me the answers.
So now we decide what is next. I am really really struggling with this decision. Rich is going to be home this weekend and we really need to talk things out. I have sought information/counsel from other Christian friends as well. I need more information, more opinions, because I just can’t hear God giving me the answers.
Monday, March 10, 2008
9dpiui
Noting new to report. I am feeling totally normal, nothing different. I did receive my progesterone number today and it was 58, which means nothing for me. I usually have a really high progesterone. 39 last month, over 60 the month before. I’m feeling totally normal. I think I am going to enter my girls into a little local pageant this weekend, so my week will hopefully fly by with making plans for that and Friday’s beta will be here before I know it!!
Friday, March 07, 2008
Miracles
http://mylostandfoundoflife.blogspot.com/
I have shared things from this blog in my blog before. I went for an update today and found myself a mess of tears. Allison's constant strength has always amazed me. I am thankful for the testimony that I have found through her blog. Don't give up on your dreams because dreams really do come true. Congratulations to Allison and her family.
I have shared things from this blog in my blog before. I went for an update today and found myself a mess of tears. Allison's constant strength has always amazed me. I am thankful for the testimony that I have found through her blog. Don't give up on your dreams because dreams really do come true. Congratulations to Allison and her family.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
GIFT
As I was reading the information in the last post, I noticed the GIFT process. I did not know what the GIFT procedure was, so I looked it up. Here is the info.
Gamete intrafallopian transfer
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT) is a tool of assisted reproductive technology against infertility. Eggs are removed from a woman's ovaries, and placed in one of the Fallopian tubes, along with the man's sperm. The technique, which was pioneered by endocrinologist Ricardo Asch, allows fertilization to take place inside the woman's body.
Many specialists in infertility would look at GIFT as a procedure that is outdated (2004) as pregnancy rates in IVF tend to be equal or better and do not require laparoscopy.[citation needed]
Contents[hide]
1 Method
2 Indications
3 Success rate
4 See also
5 External links
//
[edit] Method
It takes, on average, four to six weeks to complete a cycle of GIFT. First, the woman must take a fertility drug to stimulate egg production in the ovaries. The doctor will monitor the growth of the ovarian follicles, and once they are mature, the woman will be injected with Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). The eggs will be harvested approximately 36 hours later, mixed with the man's sperm, and placed back into the woman's Fallopian tubes using a laparoscope.
[edit] Indications
A woman must have at least one normal fallopian tube in order for GIFT to be suitable. It is used in instances where the fertility problem relates to sperm dysfunction, and where the couple has idiopathic (unknown cause) infertility. Some patients may prefer the procedure to IVF for ethical reasons, since the fertilization takes place inside the body.
[edit] Success rate
As with most fertility procedures, success depends on the couple's age and the woman's egg quality. It is estimated that approximately 25-30% of GIFT cycles result in pregnancy [1], with a third of those being multiple pregnancies.
I have to admit that my heart skipped a beat while reading this. One more step, but still within our comfort zone. I can't believe I have never looked into this before. Perhaps an option for us.
Gamete intrafallopian transfer
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Gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT) is a tool of assisted reproductive technology against infertility. Eggs are removed from a woman's ovaries, and placed in one of the Fallopian tubes, along with the man's sperm. The technique, which was pioneered by endocrinologist Ricardo Asch, allows fertilization to take place inside the woman's body.
Many specialists in infertility would look at GIFT as a procedure that is outdated (2004) as pregnancy rates in IVF tend to be equal or better and do not require laparoscopy.[citation needed]
Contents[hide]
1 Method
2 Indications
3 Success rate
4 See also
5 External links
//
[edit] Method
It takes, on average, four to six weeks to complete a cycle of GIFT. First, the woman must take a fertility drug to stimulate egg production in the ovaries. The doctor will monitor the growth of the ovarian follicles, and once they are mature, the woman will be injected with Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). The eggs will be harvested approximately 36 hours later, mixed with the man's sperm, and placed back into the woman's Fallopian tubes using a laparoscope.
[edit] Indications
A woman must have at least one normal fallopian tube in order for GIFT to be suitable. It is used in instances where the fertility problem relates to sperm dysfunction, and where the couple has idiopathic (unknown cause) infertility. Some patients may prefer the procedure to IVF for ethical reasons, since the fertilization takes place inside the body.
[edit] Success rate
As with most fertility procedures, success depends on the couple's age and the woman's egg quality. It is estimated that approximately 25-30% of GIFT cycles result in pregnancy [1], with a third of those being multiple pregnancies.
I have to admit that my heart skipped a beat while reading this. One more step, but still within our comfort zone. I can't believe I have never looked into this before. Perhaps an option for us.
Crampy
I have been having some crampy feelings since the IUI. AF like pains. The RE told me to watch for this and a feeling of being bloated because I am at risk for over stimulation of the ovaries. I found some info on the Follistem website. I will keep an eye on it and if it gets worse, I will have to go in for another u/s.
Risks and successes
Risks
While complications of intrauterine insemination (IUI) are infrequent, they can include:
Infection
Brief uterine cramping
Transmission of venereal disease (with AID/TDI unless appropriately screened)
Risks of the controlled ovarian hyperstimulation can include:
Multiple pregnancy
Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) OHSS is a serious medical problem that can happen when the ovaries are overstimulated. In the rare case, it has caused death. OHSS causes fluid to build up suddenly in the stomach and chest areas. Call your healthcare professional right away if you get any of the following symptoms:
· Severe pelvic pain (lower stomach area) ·Nausea ·Vomiting ·Sudden weight gain ·Reduced urine output
In cases where three or more follicles develop to a size greater than 14 millimeters, there is a risk of multiple pregnancy, which could mean abandoning treatment or in some cases, changing the treatment from IUI to an IVF cycle. Multiple pregnancies are associated with higher rates of pregnancy loss and lower birth-weight babies, as well as babies with greater social difficulties. Drug treatment is always monitored, because too high a dose of a drug can cause excessive stimulation of the ovaries, which may be noticed as pain in the abdomen.
Successes
The success rates of superovulation and IUI are between 10% and 20% per cycle, provided that the male partner's sperm count is within normal limits and the female's tubes are healthy. Doctors might try four cycles of IUI and if these are not successful, then they may recommend other methods, such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) or gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT). Unlike IVF or GIFT, IUI doesn’t involve difficult egg collection or general anesthetic, and is currently a popular and quite successful treatment method for infertility.
Risks and successes
Risks
While complications of intrauterine insemination (IUI) are infrequent, they can include:
Infection
Brief uterine cramping
Transmission of venereal disease (with AID/TDI unless appropriately screened)
Risks of the controlled ovarian hyperstimulation can include:
Multiple pregnancy
Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) OHSS is a serious medical problem that can happen when the ovaries are overstimulated. In the rare case, it has caused death. OHSS causes fluid to build up suddenly in the stomach and chest areas. Call your healthcare professional right away if you get any of the following symptoms:
· Severe pelvic pain (lower stomach area) ·Nausea ·Vomiting ·Sudden weight gain ·Reduced urine output
In cases where three or more follicles develop to a size greater than 14 millimeters, there is a risk of multiple pregnancy, which could mean abandoning treatment or in some cases, changing the treatment from IUI to an IVF cycle. Multiple pregnancies are associated with higher rates of pregnancy loss and lower birth-weight babies, as well as babies with greater social difficulties. Drug treatment is always monitored, because too high a dose of a drug can cause excessive stimulation of the ovaries, which may be noticed as pain in the abdomen.
Successes
The success rates of superovulation and IUI are between 10% and 20% per cycle, provided that the male partner's sperm count is within normal limits and the female's tubes are healthy. Doctors might try four cycles of IUI and if these are not successful, then they may recommend other methods, such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) or gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT). Unlike IVF or GIFT, IUI doesn’t involve difficult egg collection or general anesthetic, and is currently a popular and quite successful treatment method for infertility.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Tagged
I was tagged a long time ago by Becky, and never fulfilled my end of the bargain. Boss is gone today, so I had some time. Here ya go!
7 Things....
~The rules are to link the person who sent this to you and leave a comment on their blog so their readers can visit yours.
~Post the rules on your blog
~Share 7 strange/weird facts about yourself
~Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog~Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
1. My brain visualizes everything. If I know you in real life I have most likely pictured you naked. I can’t help it, my brain just does it. If you tell me you have a hemorrhoid, I may vomit on your shoes because my brain instantly pictures it.
2. My house is always a cluttered mess, but my linen cabinet and cupboards have to be arranged. Towels by color and they all have to be folded the same with the seams to the back of the closet, and the cupboards have to be arranged by category with all fruits in one row, veggies in another, soups, etc…
3. My nails are very long. I usually have to trim them because they will get so long that they interfere with typing and things like that.
4. I am turning into my mother (God help me!) I cannot sleep well anywhere else but my bed. When I was younger, I could sleep anywhere. Now, only my bed.
5. I have a head tremor. No one has been able to figure out why, no medication helps it. It’s like I am constantly shaking my head “no”. Sometimes the kids will ask me something, and while I am thinking about my answer they will ask “whhhhyyyy?”, because they think I have shook my head no.
6. I did not see the ocean until I was 25. My brother who is 27 still has not seen the ocean. My grandma McCoy is 80 and she has never seen the ocean. I am captivated by the ocean. On a beach next to the ocean is my favorite place to be. Everyone should see the ocean.
7. I have to sleep with a pillow between my knees. The feeling of my knees rubbing together makes me crazy.
TAGGED randomly:
http://misty-ajourneythroughsurrogacy.blogspot.com/
http://operation-baby.blogspot.com/
I only know these few, and I know Cherie has done this before.
7 Things....
~The rules are to link the person who sent this to you and leave a comment on their blog so their readers can visit yours.
~Post the rules on your blog
~Share 7 strange/weird facts about yourself
~Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog~Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
1. My brain visualizes everything. If I know you in real life I have most likely pictured you naked. I can’t help it, my brain just does it. If you tell me you have a hemorrhoid, I may vomit on your shoes because my brain instantly pictures it.
2. My house is always a cluttered mess, but my linen cabinet and cupboards have to be arranged. Towels by color and they all have to be folded the same with the seams to the back of the closet, and the cupboards have to be arranged by category with all fruits in one row, veggies in another, soups, etc…
3. My nails are very long. I usually have to trim them because they will get so long that they interfere with typing and things like that.
4. I am turning into my mother (God help me!) I cannot sleep well anywhere else but my bed. When I was younger, I could sleep anywhere. Now, only my bed.
5. I have a head tremor. No one has been able to figure out why, no medication helps it. It’s like I am constantly shaking my head “no”. Sometimes the kids will ask me something, and while I am thinking about my answer they will ask “whhhhyyyy?”, because they think I have shook my head no.
6. I did not see the ocean until I was 25. My brother who is 27 still has not seen the ocean. My grandma McCoy is 80 and she has never seen the ocean. I am captivated by the ocean. On a beach next to the ocean is my favorite place to be. Everyone should see the ocean.
7. I have to sleep with a pillow between my knees. The feeling of my knees rubbing together makes me crazy.
TAGGED randomly:
http://misty-ajourneythroughsurrogacy.blogspot.com/
http://operation-baby.blogspot.com/
I only know these few, and I know Cherie has done this before.
3dpiui
This is a picture from a few years ago, but don't we look great!!Nothing to exciting going on here. I started the progesterone vaginal suppositories today. Ick! They make me feel like I peed my pants!
I have been doing some research on low sperm counts. I think that if we don’t get pregnant this cycle we are going to have Rich tested for retrograde ejaculation. Here’s a little info taken from Wikipedia… Normally the sphincter of the bladder contracts and the sperm goes to the urethra towards the area of least pressure. In retrograde ejaculation this sphincter does not function properly. Diagnosis is usually by way of a urinalysis performed on a urine specimen that is obtained shortly after ejaculation which will have an abnormal level of sperm within it.
Retrograde ejaculation may cause a couple to experience problems such as infertility, as most sperm do not get to the vagina and the rest of the female reproductive system. As a method to induce pregnancy, the retrograde ejaculator's urine is centrifuged and the isolated sperm is then injected into the woman.
Around 40% of sufferers from retrograde ejaculation have found that use of pseudoephedrine (brands names include Sudafed) noticeably improves the quantity of ejaculate.[citation needed] The tricyclic antidepressant imipramine has also been used as an effective treatment for retrograde ejaculation. It must be noted that both medications have links to erectile dysfunction, pseudoephedrine being the frontline treatment for priapism. People with erectile dysfunction and retrograde ejaculation (not uncommon in those with diabetes) are strongly advised to seek medical advice about the best 'dual' treatment methods available to them, i.e. combining pseudoephedrine or an alternative with an erectile dysfunction treatments such as sildenafil.
This would explain the variation of the numbers in the sperm count. The first “pulse” of an ejaculation contains 80% of the sperm. If that first “pulse” is going into the bladder, that is why we are getting low counts. Something to look into.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Researching already
I've hit the net already researching. I have googled many things, one question being 'how long after insemination does fertilization occur?' The answer is about 24 hours with implantation 5-7 days later. I found this site http://www.fertilitytoday.org/frequent_questions.html and there are many questions here about IUI and IVF. Great site.
IUI #4, Are we there yet??
Original Count:
Motility: 1st IUI 29% 2nd IUI 45%, 3rd IUI 44%, today 45%
Morphology: 1st IUI 54% 2nd IUI 83%, 3rd IUI 62%, today 58%
Count: 1st IUI 19.4 million 2nd IUI 30 million, 3rd IUI 12.8 million, today 8.4 million
Final Count after processing:
Motility: 1st IUI 43% 2nd IUI 65%, 3rd IUI 44%, today 36%
Morphology: 1st IUI 65% 2nd IUI 83%, 3rd IUI 66%, today 52%
Count: 1st IUI 30.2 million 2nd IUI 117.2 million, 3rd IUI 17.4 million, today 19.4 million
Count today was not fabulous. The final count was actually better post wash than the month before, so that was encouraging to see. It is hard not to get discouraged when you are sitting on the table all ready for the insemination and they hit you with such low numbers. Rich felt really frustrated, and I did my best to encourage him. We have done a lot to try to bring his count up, I just don't know what else to do. I prayed a lot yesterday and again this morning as we were on our way there. I prayed a lot after the insem while I waited the 10 minutes to get up. I just don't know what else there is to do.
As we were driving home I found myself going down the what if road. I found myself trying to justify IVF and talking through how it could work and what we could do. I was getting very worked up and frustrated. Then the notion of one-day-at-a-time came over me. I was fighting battles that haven't even started. As Granny would say, borrowing trouble. I frequently do that, and I am going to try to stop. When I find myself looking ahead, I am going to do my best to live in the moment and look only as far as today. Perhaps that will save some of my sanity.
I will end this post with the prayer that Kait said last night. What a precious girl she is. I know that she keeps this in her prayers. This simple prayer from my 10 1/2 year old brought tears to my eyes.
"Dear God, I pray that you be with us and help my mom have a baby. I'm asking you for a girl, but I'll take what you give me. If I can't have a girl, I'm asking for a boy, but I will take what you give me. If I can't have a boy, I am asking for one boy and one girl, twins, but I will take what you give me. So really God, I'll take what you give me. Amen"
Motility: 1st IUI 29% 2nd IUI 45%, 3rd IUI 44%, today 45%
Morphology: 1st IUI 54% 2nd IUI 83%, 3rd IUI 62%, today 58%
Count: 1st IUI 19.4 million 2nd IUI 30 million, 3rd IUI 12.8 million, today 8.4 million
Final Count after processing:
Motility: 1st IUI 43% 2nd IUI 65%, 3rd IUI 44%, today 36%
Morphology: 1st IUI 65% 2nd IUI 83%, 3rd IUI 66%, today 52%
Count: 1st IUI 30.2 million 2nd IUI 117.2 million, 3rd IUI 17.4 million, today 19.4 million
Count today was not fabulous. The final count was actually better post wash than the month before, so that was encouraging to see. It is hard not to get discouraged when you are sitting on the table all ready for the insemination and they hit you with such low numbers. Rich felt really frustrated, and I did my best to encourage him. We have done a lot to try to bring his count up, I just don't know what else to do. I prayed a lot yesterday and again this morning as we were on our way there. I prayed a lot after the insem while I waited the 10 minutes to get up. I just don't know what else there is to do.
As we were driving home I found myself going down the what if road. I found myself trying to justify IVF and talking through how it could work and what we could do. I was getting very worked up and frustrated. Then the notion of one-day-at-a-time came over me. I was fighting battles that haven't even started. As Granny would say, borrowing trouble. I frequently do that, and I am going to try to stop. When I find myself looking ahead, I am going to do my best to live in the moment and look only as far as today. Perhaps that will save some of my sanity.
I will end this post with the prayer that Kait said last night. What a precious girl she is. I know that she keeps this in her prayers. This simple prayer from my 10 1/2 year old brought tears to my eyes.
"Dear God, I pray that you be with us and help my mom have a baby. I'm asking you for a girl, but I'll take what you give me. If I can't have a girl, I'm asking for a boy, but I will take what you give me. If I can't have a boy, I am asking for one boy and one girl, twins, but I will take what you give me. So really God, I'll take what you give me. Amen"
Friday, February 29, 2008
Just call me hoppy
I feel like a walking Easter Basket! I had the u/s this morning, there were two "mature" follicles measuring 18mm & 21mm. I had several "medium" follicles measuring 15mm, 14mm, 14mm, 14mm and a few small ones 12mm, 10mm, 10mm. I was hoping for 4 mature follicles, I'm not sure what we got. I had the trigger shot this morning and we will be doing the IUI at 9am tomorrow. I was thinking of giving myself a little boost of Follistem tonight, to help those "medium" ones grow a bit, but I thought that may be a bit to risky. I am hoping and praying that Rich's numbers are good tomorrow. He has been taking all of those herbs and vitamins for a month, I am excited to see the results in high numbers tomorrow!!
Relaxation is going to be key again. I am going to try to take it easy for the rest of the weekend, and relax in the 2ww. The 2ww is always such insanity. I have done really good the past few cycles, I am hoping to continue that. No testing, no obsessing over the numbers.
Relaxation is going to be key again. I am going to try to take it easy for the rest of the weekend, and relax in the 2ww. The 2ww is always such insanity. I have done really good the past few cycles, I am hoping to continue that. No testing, no obsessing over the numbers.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Here he is!!!!!
Here is the Snowman getting all the action!!He is so cute! He dances and shakes his booty!
This is the booty that we practice on!
Kait did the shot again last night, and again I got a double poke. She did it the first time and it did a little *sucking in of breath sound* and so she jerked back and pulled it out. Again, we were both laughing. I told her just to go for it, no matter what sound I make. So she did it again, and I injected the 75iu. Back to the RE tomorrow for a look with the vaggie cam to see if we are ready!! I hope we don’t run into Sunday because my RE isn’t open on Sunday and I don’t like their protocol for a Sunday ovulation.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Update
Estradiol level was 588. I have no clue what that means, but she said it was good. They are cutting back my dosage. 75iu tonight and 50iu tomorrow with another u/s on Friday. Looks like possible IUI on Saturday!
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