My sitter cleaned a lot today, so we were able to enjoy a night out for a bike ride. The kids each took turns being first and getting to take us all anywhere they wanted. I was always last. As I was watching my three precious children in front of me, I was thinking of how glad I was that I had put the flags on their bikes. Before the flags, I would be afraid that they would be hard to spot and would get hit (I sometimes have very irrational fears). With the flags, I feel that they are "well marked" and easy to see, so I feel safer on bike rides. I was thinking tonight how I wish they could have "flags" in all areas of life. "Flags" that would set them apart and keep them safe, what a burden would be lifted if I didn't have to worry that my children would always be safe. I often forget that God loves them more than I do, I often forget that they are just on loan to me, and I very often forget not to worry, in general.

This picture is special (although not very clear, as I only had my cell phone to use). The kids are playing in the creek that I loved playing in as a kid. I even took my shoes off and got in and splashed around a bit with them! We had a good time tonight with some good family time. I thanked God for the patience I had with them, and for the special time we spent together.

We were watching home videos this weekend. It started with our wedding. That was so neat to see again. We hadn't watched it in a long time. The kids loved it. We also got out a movie that was Khloe's birth to her first birthday. It was amazing to see how much my girls have grown. I literally felt like I was watching someone else's life. I cannot believe how fast time flies. It was amazing to see myself, so calm and encouraging and confident in my mothering. I can't believe how different I am now. Life moves at such a fast pace these days. Back then, my one and only job was to be a mom and wife. All I had to worry about was making my family happy and being the best Mommy ever! I had a husband that was home every night, I cooked and cleaned and taught my girls their ABCs and so many songs that even I had forgotten. It was amazing to glimpse into that former life. It tore at my heart. It made me long for that even more. If I were to have another child, I would quit my job and be a stay at home mom again. I would love to quit my job tomorrow, and Rich always tells me to do it, but I just don't have the courage and can't quite justify it with three kids in school. If I had another child at home, I would get that life back. That Mommy life.

Growing up, if you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always the same, a Mommy. Not a teacher or a nurse or a singer or a movie star, a Mommy. I lived my dream for a long time, and then Rich lost his job and I was forced back into the work field. Now I have been at my job for almost 4 years, and I just can't quit. I have the perfect hours, I drop the kids at school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon, I make good money, I work with pretty good people, I am pretty much my own boss, it's a great job. I would give it up in a split second to stay home with my baby. I have told God this, and it is another thing that baffles me. Doesn't he want me to be able to stay at home?

Laparoscopy

How It Is Done
Laparoscopy is done by a surgeon or a doctor of women's health (gynecologist). General anesthesia is generally used, but other types of anesthesia, such as spinal anesthesia, may be used. Talk with your doctor about what choice is best for you.
About an hour before the surgery, you will empty your bladder. You will get fluids and medicine through an intravenous (IV) in a vein in your arm. You may get a medicine (sedative) to help you relax.
Several procedures may be done after you get your anesthesia and are relaxed or asleep.
An airway will be placed in your throat to help you breathe if you get general anesthesia.
A thin flexible tube (urinary catheter) may be put through your urethra into the bladder.
Some of your pubic hair may be shaved.
Your belly and pelvic area will be washed with a special soap.
Your doctor may do a pelvic exam before putting a thin tube (cannula) is put through your vagina into the uterus. The cannula lets your doctor move your uterus and ovaries to get a better look at the belly organs.
During laparoscopy, a small incision is made in the belly. More than one incision may be made if other tools will be used during the surgery. A hollow needle is put through the first incision and gas (carbon dioxide or nitrous oxide) is slowly put through the needle to inflate the belly. The gas lifts the abdominal wall away from the organs inside so your doctor can see clearly.
A thin, lighted tube (laparoscope) is then put through the incision to look at the organs. Other tools can be used to take tissue samples, fix damage, or drain cysts. A laser may be attached to the laparoscope to help with the surgery.
After the surgery, all the tools will be removed and the gas will be released. The incisions will be closed with stitches and covered with a bandage. The scar will be very small and will fade over time.
Laparoscopy takes 30 to 90 minutes, depending on what is done, but can take longer if a condition (such as endometriosis) is found and treated. After the laparoscopy, you will go to the recovery room for 2 to 4 hours. You can usually do your normal activities the next day, but do not do any strenuous activity or exercise for about a week.
How It Feels
If general anesthesia is used, you will be asleep and feel nothing. After you wake up, you will feel sleepy for several hours. You may be tired and have some pain for a few days after a laparoscopy. You may have a mild sore throat from the tube in your throat to help you breath. Use throat lozenges and gargle with warm salt water to help your sore throat.
If you have other types of anesthesia, you may have pain for a few days when the initial numbness wears off.

Update

I had the biopsy on Friday. Bloodwork was BFN, as expected. The biopsy was not as bad as I had thought overall. It hurt really bad for about a minute, and then a full night of cramps, but then AF showed, so the cramps all just blended together. The nurse was so companionate. I had told her that I was fearful, and asked that they cover the instruments so that I could not see them. They had everything covered when I got there and she held my hands through the tough part. She was a big comfort. The doctor too was very gentle and told me what to expect each step of the way. After she was done I went to get up and she told me to lay there and rest and relax for a few minutes. She applied some pressure to stop the bleeding and while we were waiting, we talked about the next cycle. She wants me to have a laparoscopy done to check out that right tube and see if it is indeed blocked. I will include info on exactly what that is. She cannot do it this coming cycle, so she wants to do a treatment cycle for August. We will know biopsy results next week sometime.

So this is the plan. She gave me a script for 100mg of Clomid to take cycle day 5-9. I believe she is doing this to hyper stimulate my ovaries to produce multiple eggs, because I Oed on my own this past cycle. I will go in for an ultra sound on the day of a + OPK. If I am developing follicles on only the right side we will then just BD when the days are right and nothing more. This is because that tube is probably blocked and the fertilized egg most likely won't make it to the uterus to find a home and grow. If I have follicles on both sides, we will have to decide if we want to do an IUI or not. If the follicles are only on the left side, I think we will probably do our first IUI. Then we will plan the laparoscopy for September if the need be. Our timing is good next month because Rich will be home just at the right time and we are taking a vacation at that time too, so we will be able to be together as much as we want/need to! This visit was probably the most uplifting one that I have had. I had such a tough week, and it was good to feel the RE's optimism!

My mood has improved. AF is here, but that just means that we can go onto the next cycle. I'm dealing with that! I have some spiritual thoughts, but I will share them later this week. Rich is home and we are going to spend our evening together.

So still to come this week (for your info as well as so I don't forget what I still need to share!) I will share the conversation that Rich and I had regarding trusting the Lord vs questioning the Lord and I will also share about our home movie marathon this weekend! Stay tuned!

Waiting... still

These are a pair of hammocks waiting for me...

So the title of my blog is Waiting for His glory to be revealed. Well I'm just about tired of waiting. Today has been a terrible day. I am PMSing, feeling sorry for myself, being jelous, being short tempered, fed up, feeling hopeless and not feeling much like a good christian at all. I am feeling like giving up. Giving up on it all. And I would. Today has been an overwhelming day, and I am convinced that the only thing that has kept me here is God himself. Have you ever had one of those days? One of those days that you just cannot tolerate one more minute of your own life? I have never came to a point in my life that I have felt that way, but I got there today. Outsiders looking in will say 'but you have so much to be thankful for, you have such a wonderful family and husband and house and cars and blah blah blah'. But I feel like I am failing at every single thing in my life, and I don't see a way out. I have been WAITING and PRAYING and I still suck!

Another friend of mine found out that she is pregnant today. She and I were on the same cycle. She had and IUI and a trigger shot the day before I did at the same RE. So we have been in this 2ww together and going through symptoms together, and today she got her beta #s back, 202. Those are very good numbers. She may be having twins. I cheered her on every step of the way through this 2ww. Then today when she told me she was pregnant I was so happy for her... for about three seconds and then I just sobbed. I sobbed and I couldn't stop. The jelousy and the envy... oh it is terrible. I don't want to do that!!! I don't want to be jelous of the babies that others have!!! I truly am so happy for her and her husband. I have been praying for them for such a long time! So why does the big green monster of envy have to pop out?

My house is a total mess. My yard is about 14 inches high, and weeds have long since taken over my flower gardens. My pool is green, my van is broken. My husband's taxes for 2006 are not paid. I snapped at my kids, AGAIN! I did not read the bedtime story or say bedtime prayers. They had microwave meals for dinner. I'm not pregnant. and I don't know where to start to climb out of all of this. I just want to sit and watch the world go by and do nothing and say nothing. Just take me to heaven and make me an angel or something because I am sucking at being a mortal. That's not normal is it?

I was thinking today that I am tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting for a child, I am tired of waiting to have patience with my kids, I am tired of waiting to be the perfect wife, I am tired of waiting to feel better, to have more energy. I am tired of working and coming home to a whole other job to start for the day. I'm sure that God is so not happy with me right now. I went to a friend's blog, and she too was having a bad day. So I looked up some verses to share with her that I knew I needed to hear today too. This is what I found... it may be a bit messed up because I cut and pasted and had to edit a bit...


Psalm 27:14Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13-14We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
Psalm 33:19-21Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Psalm 37:6-8 Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
Psalm 37:33-35 I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
Psalm 38:14-16 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
Psalm 40:1-3 See how they lie in wait for me! Fierce men conspire against me for no offense or sin of mine, O LORD.
Psalm 59:2-4 I wait for your salvation, O LORD, and I follow your commands.
Psalm 119:165-167 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:4-6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.


So what else is there to do but wait? I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of praying to God and straing to hear his answer and hearing nothing. I'm tired of wondering what in the world he is doing with my life. Why has he made me this way? Why do I fail him so much? Why can't he just FIX ME? I feel like I am constantly arguing with myself inside of my own head. The battle of good and evil. "think positive, pray about it, take your troubles to the Lord" "forget it! You have done this for so long and what do you have? No baby, no peace, no patience with your kids, no organization in your life, you suck, you fail, give it up!" I don't know what else to do. For tonight I am going to take a shower and then look up all of these verses. I can't hear God, so I guess I will just read his word.


PS~ Pregnancy blood test tomorrow, it will be negative (I took a hpt tonight and BFN) so then I will go for the biopsy at 3pm. I'll let you know how that goes and what we decide to do from here...

Wishing

I love the book of 1 Peter. That is where my title verse comes from, and I like this verse as well...
1 Peter 5-10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

I think that gives hope to all who are suffering, or have suffered, no matter what the issue. That promise that we will all be restored because He is our savior. He is the God of Grace. We will be strong, firm and steadfast. I can't wait!

I received my progesterone levels back. 12.8, this indicates that I did ovulate, but it is not high enough to indicate pregnancy. I need to look on the positive side and be thankful that I did ovulate on my own without medication, well, a little dose of hormone to help the egg release, but no Clomid.

I have felt crampy, I guess AF is on her way. This is a big let down. I just can’t put into words how badly I wanted this to work. The kids are getting older, Rich and I are getting older, and I just want this to happen so badly before we run out of time.

I will keep you posted on the biopsy. Hopefully I won’t have to have it done!

PS~ The picture above is where I wish I was. Those chairs are just waiting for Rich and I!!!

Nothing new to report. I am 9dpo (9 days past ovulation) and nothing much going on. I usually start to take HPTs at about 8 or 9 dpo, and then drive myself crazy testing until AF showes up. Well since I had the trigger, I cannot test. The trigger is a synthetic HCG hormone, and HCG is what is detected on a HPT, so if I was pregnant or if I was not, the HPT would detect the trigger and I would get a positive result. So no testing for me!

I am not having any symptoms, just mostly PMS symptoms. I'm thinnking that I may start AF sometime in the next few days. If I do I don't think that I can have the biopsy. I think that has to be done before AF. So I guess God will answer that prayer in his own way!

I have the blood test to detect pregnancy scheduled for Friday morning. We should have results by Friday afternoon. If AF showes up before then, obviously I don't have to do the blood test.

I will be sure to keep you posted! Continue to keep us in your prayers.

Finally, the egg has hatched

I went to the RE yesterday for my second u/s this week. My folicle Tues was 15mm, today it was 21mm so they gave me a trigger shot of HSG hormone in the hip (ouch!) and said to BD Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I am so glad that this cycle wasn't a bust!!! I have my beta (blood test for pregnancy) the 20th and if it is negative I have to have the uterine biopsy which I do not want to have!! I was telling God that he could answer two prayers at once if he would give us our baby this month. 1st, a baby and 2nd, no biopsy!! Rich said that he doesn't think God is into bargins!

I got a positive ovulation test last night and my much anticipated temp spike this morning meaning that I ovulated last night on cycle day 19. I have never taken that long to ovulate! Let's hope that my body took so long because it was growing a strong healthy egg!!!!!

I'm hopeful that this month is the month!!! If we did get pregnant in the next few days our due date would be on or around March 29th, 2008. That is close to Khloe's birthday, so it must have been this time 8 years ago that we got pregnant with her!

Morning all. I have not had such a wonderful day so far today. My best friend called me bright and early to tell me that she got her BFP today with her surrogate child. I knew this was coming, but it doesn't make it any easier. It was so hard to hear that she has gotten a BFP and it isn't even her child. She went in for IVF, and *poof* she's pregnant! I've tried for 4 1/2 years and nothing. It hurts bad. I am not looking forward to listening to her complain for the next nine months. I just feel like telling her that I don't want to hear about it at all. I don't want to hear the complaints of morning sickness, I don't want to hear the complaints about the shots, I don't want to hear about the kicking and how her clothes don't fit and how she found the cutest maternity top! *sigh* I'm not being very nice am I? She is my friend and I talk to her at least twice every day. It is inevitable that I am going to hear all of this stuff... I just hope that God gives me the grace and patients to deal with it for the next nine months.

To top off the good news, I still haven’t Oed. Cd18… no O. Rich is HOME, we can BD whenever we want/need to and no O in sight. This has never happened. I go for another u/s tomorrow. I don’t know why, if I haven’t Oed there is nothing they can do about it. I’m just about ready to throw in the towel and admit defeat. This TTC rollercoaster is a bit to much for me, and I’m thinking I may just be done with the ride.

Pray for wisdom, please.

First cd14 U/S

Hey all! I just got done at the RE’s office. No temp spike yet, no + OPK, but they said they need to see me by cd15, and I am cd16 today so I had to go in. She did the u/s and looked at my ovaries and checked the follicles in each ovary. She said that perhaps I had Oed last night or this morning, but she was unsure. She did a progesterone blood draw and that will tell us if I did or not. I will have the results after 1 today. She also did and after intercourse test and said it looked “okay”. Not great, but not to bad. She said my lining looks good. If the progesterone blood draw comes back negative, I have to go back on Friday (for another $300 appointment, ugh!). I’ll let you know when I hear what the progesterone is. I don’t think I have Oed, so I expect a negative.