Just say "NO!"

Just say "No!" to drugs! I am done! Done with the Clomid. Four cycles. This cycle was double the dose, triple the hot flashes! I am relieved to be done with all of the hormones. As if I didn't have enough already... excess can mess you up! I'm hoping to find my sanity again (yeah, right) and to start wearing pajamas to bed again. I have to sleep naked as to not self ignite from the hot flashes.

Richard and I had a great weekend. We had lots of fun trying to catch that egg, unfortunately, the egg did not want to come out and play. Sperm can live for up to 5 days inside the female body, so I guess technically we aren't out of the game, but I'm not feeling hopeful. I have not even gotten a + OPK yet... so the big O is still days off. So much for double the dose of Clomid. I will have blood drawn on the 21st to confirm ovulation, then I will be asking my OB for a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I think we may try a few IUIs. We will just have to get all of the details.

Well that is all there is to report. I'll let you know when I ovulate. Well see then if there is any chance for a baby this month.

Obsessed

As if I wasn't obsessed enough... I have become obsessed with reading TTC blogs (TTC is infertile lingo for trying to conceive). I bet I have read 50 of these blogs this week. Some with happy endings, some with ongoing quest to the center of the egg. I find comfort knowing that others are going through what I am going through, and others have some of the same feelings that I have. It is interesting to watch other peoples lives play out. It interesting to me to stumble upon a blog that was started back in 2005. I start at the beginning and it’s like reading a novel, except it’s someone’s real life. It’s interesting to see their struggles way back when and to see what is going on in their lives today. It is interesting to see the “whys” of what God does. Something that may not have made sence in 2005, but as you read today’s blog entry, you understand the “whys”. I wish I could look at what my blog will look like two years from now. I wish I could read it from beginning to end and to understand the whys of 2005, 2006, 2007. I am going to start liking some of my favorites on the side.

Richard is on his way home for the weekend. We have plans to go out with friends Saturday night, and to celebrate Valentine’s Day then too. He will be leaving on Monday morning for 2 weeks in Minnesota. I am done with the Clomid. Pray that little eggie will come out this weekend!!! Swim spermies swim!!

Tears from my heart

Well the double dose of Clomid is underway. I started taking it on the third day of my cycle as to try and trick my body to ovulate early. Rich will be home Fri, Sat, Sun and then he is off on a jet plane for 10 hours away. I have been hoping and praying that I ovulate before he leaves. I just have to trust that God knows all of the details and that if we were meant to get pregnant this month then God will see that gets done. He knows that dates, he knows the situation, and He will work it all out. If this is another month of no pregnancy for me I think I will ask my OB for a referral to a RE. We will have to see what the cost are to get going with a RE, then see if that is something that we want to do. I really feel like I am just running out of strength. January marked 4 years of TTC for us. I have been charting for over a year and each month I remember where I was the year before on that month, and I just feel helpless. I feel like there is no hope left inside of me for this to happen, and acceptance creeps in that we may never get to enjoy another child. It is an acceptance covered in pain and sorrow and regret, but it is acceptance just the same.

I just can't seem to understand it though. I ask God for another child and month after month he tells me "No." I just want to scream "WHY NOT!!!?" Why not? We are good parents. We are bringing our children up in a Christian home to know him and to honor him and to teach others about him. We love our children, they love us. We provide for them a good home, they have college funds. They have closets full of clothes. We pray together. We love eachother. On paper it all looks so good. We look perfectly qualified to have another child. So why does God keep saying no? Am I not a good enough mother? Do I not hug my children enough, do I not tell them I love them enough? Is is because I work outside the home? Is it becuase Rich is gone so much? Is that why God won't give us another? Because he isn't satisfied with the way we are caring for the ones we have? I just cannot understand it. I just don't understand.

I know I have to trust Him. I know that he knows things that I could not possibly know. Maybe if we had another child s/he would have severe physical problems that would be to much for me to deal with. Maybe God knows that it would be to hard on Rich to have a baby at home that he does not get to kiss good-night each night. Maybe God knows that Khloe would be extremly jelous and it would be bad for her. Maybe God knows... I know he knows all. I know that He knows what is best for me and my family. I know that He will do what is in his perfect will for us. I just wish my head would tell my heart.

I long to hold my child. I long to look into their eyes and know that they came straight from God. I long to smell her. I long to nurse her. I long to watch her grow. I long to see my husband holding that tiny baby. I long to see what wonderful big sisters and one excited big brother my kids would be. I long for a nursery. I long for tiny diapers. I long to watch my belly grow. I long to feel the child that Rich and I and God created move inside of me for the first time. I long for labor. I long for excited Grandparents. I long for the sweet smell of milk on his breath. I long for middle of the night feedings. I long for baby food and rice cereal. How long will this feeling last? Have I given up on that peace that I long for?

A baby, or peace God, this is the cry of my heart, a baby or peace, please...

Hit me baby one more time!

Af is on her way for her monthly visit. She is so rude to come over uninvited. We have some updates to share. Rich finally had his testing done, and all of his results were within normal range so that was good news!! Swim spermies, swim! I heard from my OB this afternoon and they are going to double my dose of Clomid and exten my 3 cycles to 4 since my progesterone level was questionable last cycle. So we will do this last Clomid cycle, and then I believe we will be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

I have come to appreciate the reproductive system so much on this journey. It is amazing that we have been blessed with three beautiful, healthy children, two when we weren’t even trying! I look at them every day and thank God for the family that he has blessed me with. I come in contact with people who are battling infertility just as I am, but have never had a child of their own, and I just can’t imagine that. I am so thankful for the three children that God has entrusted to me. I am also unendingly thankful for the wonderful husband that God has chosen for me. His strength and support through all of these trials has amazed me. He has been there for me every step of the way, and I am so thankful for all of his love and support. I couldn’t do this without him… obviously! :-)

Prayers

What more could I ask for right now than for friends to lift me up in prayer? This prayer came to me this afternoon from my dear friend Becky:

Oh Heavenly Father, my dear sister, Kari, is very hurt....she does not understand Your love and she does not understand Your will for her life.....everythingis now pointing to another month of no baby and she is only human....she is hurting and does not understand. She is not praying for riches......she is praying for another life to love and to raise to know You. None of this makes sense and it hurts......please Lord,somehow in all of this, make Yourself real toKari.....may she sense Your presence, Your love and even Your approval of her. Help her to somehow find the courage to trust when it does not make sense to do so. She wants to give You glory, but does not know how to do this amidst her pain and sorrow......minister to her as a Father who loves herin a way she does not fully comprehend today because of all the disappointment this life has brought to her even in what she has known as a "father". May she somehow know You in a deeper way that she can onlyexplain by Your power working in her.

In Jesus' Name.....Amen

Hitting a brick wall

Morning all. I got my progesterone results, 13.7, not pretty. They want to see over 15 on a medicated cycle. My last one was 56. So I made an appt to see my OB on Monday to discuss "further options". I thik my emotions are so intense in all of this because it is not only an emotional battle of wanting another child, it is a spiritual battle as well. Pray for me, it has been a rough week.

Fathers

Do I trust my heavenly Father? This question came to me tonight after my small group study and discussion. I know that I have faith in my Father above. Faith is the deliberate confidence in a God that you cannot see and may not understand at the time. I have faith in my Father. I do not understand what he is doing with my life and emotions right now, but I have faith that whatever his plans for me are, that I will be okay. I have faith that he will take care of me. I have confidence that at any given moment he could place a life within me. I believe that God holds all things in his hands and that he has the ability to do whatever he wants whenever he wants it to be done. I know that God loves me.

But do I trust him?

When I think of this concept, it is hard for me. I have two earthly fathers. I have since I was a tiny baby. I have a biological father and a step father. My biological father was an every other weekend dad. Nothing more, nothing less. He picked me up every other Friday night and he took me home every other Sunday night. Nothing more, nothing less. I believe that he loved me in his own way. He was good to me when I was at his house, but I don't remember him being affectionate, loving or interested. I don't remember trusting him. I don't remember trusting him with my emotions. I don't remember expecting him to be more or do more than he did, just the bare minimum. My step father was abusive both physicall and mentally. He was never affectionate. He was mean and hateful. I was scared of him. I don't remember ever trusting him or even wanting to. As I have grown older, my relationships with both of my fathers have changed. We have been through some hard times, and we have mended some fences. I have forgiven both of them for past mistakes and that was a healthy thing for me to do.

However, do I trust them?

If I have never trusted an earthly father, do I trust my Father in heaven? Faith... believing... confidence... I feel these are very different than trust.

Do I trust my heavenly Father?

Waiting...

We are waiting. Waiting to see what the future has in store for the Dixon family. I am currently 6dpo~ translated six days past ovulation. Fertilization would have taken place. That's the part where the sperm meets the egg, they fall in love and unite to live happily ever after. At this point, and the little embryo would be making it's way to my uterus to find a nice warm cozy place to settle in for a nice winter's nap. I keep visualizing that, and hoping that is what is occuring inside of my body. Oh how I wish I had a machine so that I could just peek in and see for myself!!

Drew told his Sunday school teacher to pray for me today, because we want a baby. How sweet is that! He would make a wonderful big brother! I hope he has that chance.

I have my bloodwork done tomorrow, I will post when I have the numbers.

A house full of children

I would like a house full of children. Perhaps this many children may be a few to many, but oh what fun it would be!!

We had the privilege of babysitting Lana on Saturday and we all had so much fun! It was great to have a toddler in the house again! The kids were so good with her, always right there to help out! Just makes me want to give them a sibling that much more! On Sunday, I held Nevaeh, a brand new baby girl. I cried. I couldn’t help it, she was so beautiful and so small and so perfect! I was so embarrassed, but I cried. I feel so guilty that in my joy for others, my sadness seeps in. It doesn’t seem to matter what the situation, the sight of a new baby breaks my heart in two. I hate that! Will that ever go away?

We will be heading to Chicago this weekend for some BDing! Rich is working up there and he has to be there all weekend. I should ovulate somewhere between Friday and Monday, so we will be heading north!

I have an appointment on the 22nd to have my progesterone level drawn, I should have those results on the 23rd. I should know by the first of February if I am pregnant, and if I am not, I will see my OB in early February to discuss where to go from here.

January marks the 48th cycle of trying to conceive a child. 48 two week waits, 48 months of that dream month after month… will this be the month? 48 heartbreaks, 48 devastations when the answer is no. Countless OPKs, countless HPTs, countless one lines, countless prayers sent to God from countless friends. Countless prayers sent to God by a mother that thanks him enormously for the blessing that my three children have been, and that request for one more… one more miracle God, just one more miracle. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippiams 6:6,7 When will my peace come?

Another chapter

Hello again! We are back to life in the real world! We got home on Saturday and then went right into the full swing of Christmas. Kinda crazy! I am 11dpo, tested today on Rich's birthday hoping to give him a great birthday present, and BFN. It was the first time that I have felt like I have failed him. I guess before I just felt like we were failing, but when he looked at me standing in the bathroom doorway with a HPT in my hand and said "Are you pregnant?" with such excitement in his voice, I felt like all of the power was in my hands, and I just can't make it happen. I know, I know, it takes two, but today I felt like the failure.

Next month will be our last month for the Clomid. Then my OB wants to "discuss further testing". I'm not sure what we will do at that point.

When I have thought about how God will reveal his glory to me, I have always envisioned a baby or peace that there will be no baby. I am beginning to think that perhaps neither will be my answer. I am starting to feel the teeniest tiniest seed of acceptance being planted in my heart. Not that overwhelming peace that I have so been longing for, but an acceptance that this is what God's plan is for us, and somehow he will get us through it. I was really hoping for that feeling of comfort and peace, but in a situation such as this, maybe that just doesn't happen.

I have talked to a few friends of mine about this peace. One friend was never able to have children, and one friend had just one. They both talked about a longing that never goes away. A peace that never comes. With tears in their eyes, they talked about how they have just accepted the life that has been given to them, and that when they get to heaven, they will know why. When I heard their hurt that has remained a part of them for so many, many years, I thought that my God would not do that to me. My God would never let me hurt and remain in a state of utterly and completely not understanding his will. He will reveal his will and his glory to me, right!? Isn't that the verse that has kept me going for years. That light at the end of the tunnel... Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange we happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed to you on earth. That is the verse right... and again, that small voice whispers... No my child, not everything is revealed to you in this lifetime, listen to me: Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange we happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. Look for the small difference. I have been clinging to the promise that He will let me in on His plan and that He would do it soon. Perhaps I will never know this side of heaven why I long for four children but am only able to have three. Am I ready to accept that?

Sometimes my head knows things before my heart. I think that is where I am now. In a state of knowing, but in a time of still hoping. So for now, I'm keeping hope alive.

Paradice here we come!

This is where we will be spending the next week... Paradice! I hope the rest and relaxation does us all some good. I am looking forward to spending some time living life in the slow lane with my family!

I forgot to take my fertility monitor test this morning with the first pee of the day like you are supposed to. I tested at 10:30 and still got the high reading. I was thankful that I didn't get a peak yet. I just hope it was accurate. I have been having ovulation pains so I know ovulation is on the way. I just hope I hold off for a few more days. I did an OPK and it was -, it was an internet cheapie, so I hope it is accurate! A friend on an infertility board I frequent told me to bring back an "island baby". I love the thought of an island baby!! If I get pregnant on this trip that is what we will call the baby, an island baby! How fun would that be!! Ohhhhhhhhh how I would love that! To finally be done playing this game and have that happy ending. It is inevitable that we will all stop playing this game at some point, some with happy endings, and some will just end. I want the happy ending! I know that I am blessed to have the family that I have, and whatever the outcome of this journey for another child, I know we will live happily ever after.

I will be updating my BBT Chart while we are away. You can link it through the link on the right. If you are a "chart stalker" as I am, you can check that out each day. Watch for that big jump in temp, that will be the day of ovulation.

High already??

Cycle day 10 for me. I am using a fertility monitor (pictured left) this cycle. This detects estrogen as well as the LH hormone so it gives you a wider range of probable conception dates. Once the test reads an increase in estrogen, it gives you a high reading to let you know that your body is preparing to ovulate. Once it detects the LH hormone, it gives you a peak reading telling you that you will ovulate in the next 24-36 hours. Today, on cycle day 10, I got a high reading. What the heck!!! My normal ovulation day is cd14-cd16. On my first round of Clomid last month, I ovulated on cd12, not cool. With a traveling husband, you have to be able to prepare for these things!! Essentially a "high" reading just means that an elevated level of estrogen has been detected, and does not mean that I will ovulate in the next few days. However, it does mean that my estrogen level is increasing in preparation for ovulation. I just hope and pray that my body waits for my husband on Friday! I really am tired of playing these Reindeer Games! I have one more cycle of Clomid and then my OB wants to do "further testing". I told Rich that I think we should just set a projected date for me to start smoking again and call it quits. I was joking...kinda.

On a much less stressful note... we are leaving for a Christmas trip to Cancun Mexico soon, so I will try to update, but I am making no promises. Just pray that the little eggie or eggies as it may be, will stay tucked away and not come out until the spermies are available to come out and play! Getting pregnant in Cancun would be a very happy ending to this story!

Lana and LeLe

I attend small group each Tuesday night at the home of my Pastor his wife, Becky and their 5 children. Last year they adopted a child from Kazakhstan. This process brought Becky and I to become friends. Once they were home with Lana, I visited each week, just to chat with Becky and watch Lana in awe. She is a beautiful little girl and has had my heart in the palm of her hand since the day I set eyes on her very first picture.
I was over at their home last night and Lana was babbling, as toddlers do. However, when Lana babbles, it seems as though she is speaking Chinese. It is so funny! She just goes on and on like she knows exactly what she is saying!

Last night I had a dream that Rich and I adopted a baby girl from China. Her name was Lye, but she was called LeLe. I have to acredit this dream to Lana's Chinese babble!

Rich and I have talked about adoption, and I just don't think it is for me. There are so many elements of pregnancy that I enjoy, that is one of the reasons that we are "trying" again. Also adoption is so very expensive! Although, if I could be guarenteed that I would get a little girl just like Lana, I would do it in a heartbeat, but Lana is definetly one of a kind, crafted by the Father from the begining to be a Stewart.

I am blessed to have been a part of her life. She amazes me, intreguies me. I love to just watch what she does and I often wonder what is going through her mind. I don't remember watching my own children with such intensity and curiosity. I think part of the reason is that my children were all small at the same time. I was lucky to get to brush my teeth on some days! Yet another motivation for wanting another child. To take each minute and just savor the moment, to make each minute a permanent picture in my memory.

I start Clomid again tomorrow. Same dose as last month. I'm a bit worried about the side effects, I have been a bit stressed and testy already, without the added hormones!! There will be no blood work this cycle, as we will be in Cancun when I am due for it. So my OB said to chart and watch for the temp spike and hopefully we won't have to worry about b/w anymore!! So on we go to another chapter. Please continue to keep us in your prayers!!

Well she's here

AF made her grand arrival today. I'm not surprised... it still sucks but I'm not surprised. That's one of the benifits of being a POAS addict (pee on a stick or taking a pregnancy test), you know when AF will show, plus my temp took a nosedive this am. I'm just glad to have a new cycle, and get on with the show!! I'll call my OB in the morning and I'm assuming that we will do a repeat of the 50mg of Clomid, cd5-9. According to my dates, I should ovulate when we are in Cancun. Fun, but challenging when you are sharing a room with three kids!!

Thanks for journeying through my first cycle of Clomid with me! I hope you stay around long enough to celebrate the victory of His glory being revealed, whatever that may be!

No news

God promises to send a rainbow after the storm.


No news is good news? I'm not so sure. Sitting in this limbo of a 2ww (2 week wait) sucks! I am somewhere around 11 or 12 days post ovulation. If I were pregnant I may be able to get a positive pregnancy test. I have taken several, and they all give me that dreaded single line. Negative. BFN in the TTC world. A big fat negative!! Sure, many will say "It's not over until AF shows her ugly face!" Well for me, I feel like this cycle is over. Just waiting for AF to show up so we can move on to the next cycle... again. This is about the 43rd cycle that I have said, 'well there's always next month'.

Man am I sick of saying that.

My OB will do 2 more cycles of Clomid. Then she wants to move on to more testing. I'm really not sure what we will do at that point. Physically and emotionally I am tired. Tired of living my life two weeks at a time. Two weeks until I ovulate, then wait two weeks to see if it worked. I would like to think that each failed month makes me stronger, but it doesn't. Each failed month takes me farther from my goal of having a sibling for my children. A sibling that they would be close in age to, close in school years to... farther from my goal of having another child. Each cycle that ends in a BFN leaves me more bewildered and less hopeful that this will ever happen for us.

Just one more miracle Father, one more. "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Will his glory ever be revealed to me? What will it look like? Will it be two lines? Will it be two heartbeats on an ultrasound screen? Will it be ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes? Will it be a soft pink face peering up at me from my breast? Will it be a dark haired dark eyed toddler from another land? Or will it simply be Peace that surpasses all understanding as I look at my family of five and say Thank you Father, for I am blessed? What will his glory look like? How will it feel?

I can't wait to find out and share it with all of you.

Please continue to pray for me.

Houston, we have ovulation

Blood results finally came in! My OB wanted a progesterone level of 15-20 this cycle. Mine was.............. drumroll please.................................53!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy crap!!!!! I have no idea what this means. The nurse said that it may indicate pregnancy, but there is no way to tell until later this week. Someone else said that it may indicate that I released more than one egg. I am just thankful that the Clomid worked and that I did indeed ovulate!! Boy did I ovulate!!!!

I have added a link to my BBT chart on the right. For some reason it is all the way at the bottom. This is for any of you that want to become a "chart stalker". Some basic instructions for being a "chart stalker": Temps should be low in the begining of the month with a drastic rise indicating ovulation. A verticle red line will mark the probable ovulation date. Once you see the temp spike, the temps need to stay above the horizontal red line. Once the temps go below the horizontal red line, AF is usually around the corner. 18 temps above the baseline (horizontal red line) usually indicate pregnancy.

To wait or not to wait

The 2ww. This is lingo for the two week wait. The two week wait is the period of time between ovulation and the onset of either AF (Aunt Flow) or a BFP (big fat positive pregnancy test). This period of time one can truly go insane. Every twinge, pain, cramp, burp, toot, etc, etc, etc is evaluated and analyzed to see if it could possibly be a sign of pregnancy! One that has obsessive/compulsive tendencies becomes over the top obsessive!!

Now I am in the stage of to wait or not to wait. Am I in the 2ww or not? Did I ovulate? Did the Clomid work? I go in for blood work on Friday to find out for sure. I probably will not have results until Monday sometime. I believe Rich is going in for his sperm analysis on Friday as well. I am still trying to talk him in to this!

I hope that all of my readers have a wonderful Thanksgiving. This is the time of year that we are to remember all that we are thankful for. I am the most thankful that God sent his son to die on a cross for my sins so that I can have life everlasting in heaven. I am thankful for all of the times God interceded and saved my marriage when I was ready to walk out in the early years. My husband is such a blessing to me and our marriage is stronger than ever. I am thankful that God knows the plans he has for me because left on my own I would really screw things up. I am thankful for the three healthy beautiful children that God has blessed me with. It amazes me everyday that I am blessed three times over with healthy children. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food on my table and the car that I drive. I am thankful for my church family. I am thankful that I have a church to go to where the word of God is taught in a real and truthful way. I am thankful for the singing voice that God has blessed me with, and I am thankful that I was able to quit smoking so that I can keep it! I am thankful for my family. Although we are not all as close as I would like to be, I am thankful for them just the same. I have four brothers that I love dearly and hope that they will all find Godly women to make their wives and make me an Aunt!!! I pray that as they get older and mature we will become closer. I have four other adopted siblings that keep my mom on her toes! I am thankful for the addition that they are to our family.

I am thankful for the friendships that I have. Misty, Richelle, Becky, Trish, Talena, Nancy... and many others. Their support in all I do is so important to me. Friends mean a lot to me and I am blessed with many very good ones. I am thankful for the friends that I have found on-line through Fertilichat and other blogs. I have found that on-line friends are to be taken for what they are, a name on a screen that you know only through cyber-space. There is one though, that has crossed that line and become very special to me. Hope. The name says it all. She has given me hope, helped me through trials, and helped me keep my feet on the rock of my foundation, Jesus Christ. I am blessed abundantly, my list could go on and on. Just remember to thank the Lord above for your blessings on Thanksgiving day. Enjoy your time with your families.

These are the moments...

These are the moments that are forever etched in my heart and make my heart long for more moments like this...

Can you say rollercoaster!?

This is my chart today... can you say rollercoaster? I have no idea what is going on. Have no fear, Richard is on his way home today for the weekend! Here's to a weekend of Baby Dancing (sex) and egg cracking (fertilization)! Hope you all have as much fun this weekend as we do! Pray that God has chosen this month to bless us with our long awaited miracle!

The Ups and Downs of Clomid

The second chart seen above is a normal basal body temperature chart, the top one is your chart on drugs!!!

Oh what a fun few days it has been! Hot flashes, tears at the drop of a hat, fighting to keep my mouth shut so I didn't tell off a police officer... I could go on, but I don't want to embarrass myself further!

I have been charting my temps for almost a year. The second chart is a normal chart. Low temps to start the month, then a drastic rise in temperature indicating ovulation. High temps in the last part of the month, post ovulation with a huge drop again when AF arrives (aunt flow, otherwise known as your monthly period). Now at the top, you see my chart for this month. I had a huge temp jump yesterday indicating that I may have ovulated. So I'm freaking out because Rich is in Chicago and I am 3 hours from there. I'm thinking, I have a fresh egg ready to be fertilized, and no Richard in sight!!! I can't do this by myself!!! So Rich and I had several conversations yesterday as to what to do. This could be ovulation, although it is way too early, or it could just be an indication of the hot flashes I have been having. So our options are... #1 Rich could come home so that just in case I did ovulate, we would be covered or #2 Rich doesn't come home and if I did ovulate we would miss the opportunity and this whole cycle would have been a loss or #3 Rich doesn't come home and we pray that I did not ovulate and that I will this weekend when he is home.

We had a very significant conversation yesterday afternoon about our options. Rich asked me how I would feel if he did not come home. I asked him if he wanted an honest answer or a sugar coated on and he chose the honest answer. I shared with him my feelings, letting him know that I would be very sad at the thought that I would have taken this medication and it would all be for nothing, but he was the one that had to make the drive so the choice was up to him. I told him that if he didn't make the trip I would be disappointed but that I would get over it. At 4:00 he called and said that he was on his way home. He got stuck in major traffic, and then got a call that one of his units that was to be installed was being delivered first thing in the morning. So he got home at about 7:45pm and left again last night at 9:00pm to make the 3 hour drive back to Chicago.

As you can see on the chart at the top (my current chart), my temp went drastically back down this morning, indicating that I indeed have NOT ovulated. However, Rich’s 6 hour drive of passion was still worth the trip. His willingness to make that drive, knowing that this may happen, spoke volumes to my heart. I know that trip was done more out of his love and support for me that for his desire to have another child. I told him last night…”It means more to me that you are here than it would have meant if you hadn’t made the trip.” This act of love will be one that stands out in my mind over the ages. It made me think, when was the last time I did something that I didn’t want to do, just to make someone else happy? When was the last time I gave, simply because I love? My husband does this frequently, I, however am very bad at returning the favor.

So as you see, there have been many ups and downs these past few days. Not only in my temperature, but emotionally as well. Rich will be home again on Thursday night, hopefully my body will cooperate and release that little eggie this weekend!