A Challenge

I saw this on another blog and thought it was a great idea! I am throwing out a closet challenge. Who wants to join me!? Another fun thing to keep my mind occupied in this 2ww!! So here's how you play. E-mail me a pic of your closet by 02/01/08. I will post all of the pics and then we will have the weekend to complete the makover! Send me your finished project pics on Monday 02/04/08 and I will post them on the blog! I know I need some motivation and I think this will be fun! So don't be a party pooper!! Send me your pics! It could be your closet, your kid's closet, your bathroom closet, just one that needs improvement!

3dpiui

Nothing new to report. So far so good, I am feeling relaxed and taking it easy. The obsession has not started yet!! YAY! I start progesterone suppositories tomorrow.

I will be going to Florida with Rich next week. I am looking forward to relaxing on the beach!!! What a way to spend the last half of the 2ww!

Here is an amazing clip about fertilization. I like being able to visualize what is going on inside of my body.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/miracle/program.html

Here is some technical info about where I am in my cycle.
If a sperm penetrates the egg, fertilization results. Tiny hairlike cilia lining the fallopian tube propel the fertilized egg (zygote) through the tube toward the uterus. The cells of the zygote divide repeatedly as the zygote moves down the fallopian tube. The zygote enters the uterus in 3 to 5 days. In the uterus, the cells continue to divide, becoming a hollow ball of cells called a blastocyst. If fertilization does not occur, the egg degenerates and passes through the uterus with the next menstrual period.If more than one egg is released and fertilized, the pregnancy involves more than one fetus, usually two (twins). Such twins are fraternal. Identical twins result when one fertilized egg separates into two embryos after it has begun to divide.

Development of the Blastocyst: Between 5 and 8 days after fertilization, the blastocyst attaches to the lining of the uterus, usually near the top. This process, called implantation, is completed by day 9 or 10.The wall of the blastocyst is one cell thick except in one area, where it is three to four cells thick. The inner cells in the thickened area develop into the embryo, and the outer cells burrow into the wall of the uterus and develop into the placenta. The wall of the blastocyst becomes the outer layer of membranes (chorion) surrounding the embryo. An inner layer of membranes (amnion) develops by about day 10 to 12, forming the amniotic sac. The amniotic sac fills with a clear liquid (amniotic fluid) and expands to envelop the developing embryo, which floats within it.

IUI #3

Original Count:
Motility: first time 29% last month 45%, today 44%
Morphology: first time 54% last month 83%, today 62%
Count: first time 19.4 million last month 30 million, today 12.8 million

Final Count after processing:
Motility: first time 43% last month 65%, today 44%
Morphology: first time 65% last month 83%, today 66%
Count: first time 30.2 million last month 117.2 million, today 17.4 million

IUI was at 9am this morning. Rich's count was pretty low, but they say it only takes one. We had half the sperm, but twice the eggs. Usually we abstain from intercourse at least two days before the IUI, sometimes three days. Well this time we were not expecting to have the procedure done so soon, so we were together the day befor yesterday, not even a full 36 hours of rest before the sample was collected. I am really focusing on relaxing and not obsessing in this 2ww. We had friends over for dinner tonight and played games and had a great time. I think that I am going to go along with Rich on a business trip to Ft. Lauderdale, FL next week. 4 days of just relaxing in the sun. There will be NO TESTING done in this 2ww. Please be supportive of me in this and don't ask if I have tested or encourage me to test. The POAS (peeing on a stick) leads me into complete insanity and obsession, and I do not want to do that this time.

I am thankful to be done with the shots! I will have a progesterone level done in a week and maybe a beta in 13 days. I start progesterone supplements in a few days. She said it is just something that she tries. Well ok then! Stay tuned, I'll be sure to update, but there probably wont be much going on!!

Two eggs= twins??

We are ready to go!! Cd10 and those follicles are all ready to pop! We ended up with two mature follicles on the right side, both measured 21mm!! She said that my lining was “beautiful” and that I should be proud! Yay!! I got the trigger this morning, we go in at 7am for the collection and sperm wash and then have the IUI at 9am. I am so excited!!

My good friend Becky has been praying for twins for us for quite some time. I called her this morning to let her know that we were ready for the IUI and also to let her know that there were two mature follicles. She was very excited and sure that twins are on their way. I thanked her for praying for twins because that would be a blessing that would be beyond words for us. I told her that I would be thrilled with twins, but I didn’t dare even ask God for such a blessing, because I feel like I am asking so much by praying for just one more miracle. I hope and pray so much for one, I don’t want to push it and ask for two!

I will update tomorrow with the numbers from the IUI! Pray for us!

cd9

My baby is growing up so fast!!! Two teeth gone!!

Can you tell what we had for dinner tonight!?

Not to much to report. I have hit a wall with the shots. Tuesday night I just could not do it. It ws awful! I sat there for literally 75 minutes trying to do it and I just couldn't. I had to call poor nurse Charity at 9:30 at night to have her come over and do it. This shot does not hurt at all!!! It is just a total mental thing!! She did it again last night, and I am hoping that I can do it tonight to show Rich so that he can do it.

I felt a lot of bloating yesterday. It was quite painful and crampy. I called the RE, they said to take it easy. I felt fine today. A few O pains, but nothing terrible.

I go at 8am for my u/s tomorrow. I will be cd10 with 7 shots in. I am hoping that we will be able to tell when the IUI will be. I am thinking it will be earlier than usual. I will be sure to post when I get done!

cd7

Cycle day 7 for me. (Cherie had asked, I forgot to share) Estrogen level is 198. The nurse says that it is perfect! Things seem to be moving along pretty smoothly. Next u/s in Friday.

The shots are not getting easier. I thought they would. It still takes me forever to get the nerve up to do it!! Eeeek!

I am not charting this cycle. I am trying no to crunch the numbers to much. I did ask for the estrogen level today though, but I did not ask for the follie size. I also am not going to ask for the progesterone # when the time comes. I am trying to remove things that make me obsess. So far, so go!

Just a quick update

I had my u/s this morning. She measured 5 follies. Two large ones on the right and three on the left. She said everything looked perfect. The nurse drew the estrogen level and they said they would call me this afternoon to let me know if I need to adjust the dose any and also schedule my next u/s. All is well! I will post again tonight once I know when the next appt is.

Are there any of you lurking out there that have been through this? I am so new to this, I have no clue what this means. If they measured 5 today, is that the most we can expect or can new ones grow? I know that all 5 will most likely not mature and produce and egg, but what are the chances? I would love to hear from any of you that have been through this.

Prayer

My baby has lost his first tooth!! And today he lost his second!! I just cannot believe how quickly they grow up. One minute you are rocking him in the nursery during a middle of the night feeding, the next he has lost a tooth. Times passes by so quickly!

I did my second shot tonight. It took just as long as the first! I need to get past the mental aspect of it all. I was thinking this morning how crazy it is that I actually gave myself a shot. I mean, aren't you supposed to go to school for that?! Have a license or something! I am not nurse material!!

Rich was sharing some of his bible study with me last week, and there were several things that he said that I wanted to share on this blog. The teaching come from "The Message of the Sermon on the Mount" by John R.W. Stott.

"Ask, and it will be given you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him?"

First, his promises are attached to direct commands: Ask...seek...knock... These may deliberately be in an ascending scale of urgency. Richard Glover suggests that a child, if his mother is near and visible, asks; if she is neither, he seeks; while if she is inaccessible in her room, he knocks. Be that as it may, all three verbs are present imperatives and indicate that persistence with which we should make our requests known to God. Secondly, the promises are expressed in universal statements: for every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened.

Prayer sounds very simple when Jesus teaches about it (in the Sermon on the Mount speech). Just ask...seek...knock...and in each case you will be answered. This is a deceptive simplicity, however; much lies behind it. First, prayer presupposes knowledge. Since God gives gifts only if they accord with his will, we have to take pains to discover his will- by Scripture meditation and by the exercise of a Christian mind schooled by Scripture meditation. Secondly, prayer presupposes faith. It is one thing to know God's will; it is another to humble ourselves before him and express our confidence that he is able to cause his will to be done. Thirdly, prayer presupposes desire. We may know God's will and believe he can perform it, and still not desire it. Prayer is the chief means God has ordained by which to express our deepest desires. This is the reason why the 'ask-seek-knock' commands are in the present imperative and in an ascending scale to challenge out perseverance. Thus, before we ask, we must know what to ask for and whether it accords with God's will; we must believe God can grant it; and we must genuinely want to receive. Then the gracious promises of Jesus will come true.

Rich and I had a good conversation about this portion of the book. I told him that I believe all of this, and I pray this way, but my hang up is that I don't feel that I know what God's will is in this situation. Well as I re-type this tonight, several verses in the bible stick out in my mind.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.~ Jeremiah 29:11

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.~ Psalm 20:4

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.~ Psalm 37:4

12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.~ 1 Peter 4:12-13

I have always envisioned His glory being revealed in a child for us. That has always been my hope and my prayer. The portion of the bible lesson above tells us to seek God's will in the words of our only line of communication with Him, the Bible. My Bible tells me that God loves me and that I am his child. My Bible tells me that he wants to give me the desires of my heart. I am going to believe that this is God's will for me and my family. I believe that God wants me to have this child. I believe that He would not burden my heart so strongly, only to have it ultimately broken. If I believe this 100%, I put myself at a large risk of being let down. Perhaps that is what has held me back. Thus, before we ask, we must know what to ask for and whether it accords with God's will; we must believe God can grant it; and we must genuinely want to receive.

My Heavenly Gracious Father,

I ask you tonight to bless my family with a child. I ask you to place that child in my womb this month, created through the deep love that Rich and I share. Not created through science or medicine, but created by you and only you, the giver and taker of life. I ask for a brother or sister that Kaitlyn can love and be an example to. I ask for a brother or sister that Khloe will help nurture and cuddle. I ask for a brother or sister that Drew will be able to be a big brother to. I ask for a child that Rich and I can drink up like a tall glass of water after a long days work. A child that we can hold together and marvel at your wonderful creation. A child that I can look at at see yet another combination of myself and my wonderful husband. A child that I can smell and nurse and treasure each and every moment with. I ask for a health pregnancy. I ask for excited moments when my children get to feel Mommy's belly as their sibling kicks. I ask for ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. I ask for a miracle Father, just one more miracle. I know that this is in accordance with your will. Your Word tells me. I believe that You are the ONLY one that can make this happen Lord. I know that you are the orchestrator of my life. We are ready to receive your blessing Lord. We have waited and waited, and we are ready. Please send us the miracle that we have been waiting for Father. It is in Jesus' precious name that I ask these things~ Amen

I DID IT!!

The needle, it is very small.
The kit. This is the pen that I attach the needles to.

The cartridge of medication is inside of the pen.

My tummy. If you look very close (you may have to click it to enlarge it),you can see the bruise and poke mark from yesterday on the left of my belly button just below it.

I gave myself my first shot tonight!! Oh my goodness! Everyone took off on me, Charity went to Chicago to celebrate her boyfriend's birthday, Rich went back to work and my mom is out of town! The shot doesn't hurt at all, it's just a mental thing that you have to get past. There just seems to be something wrong with stabbing a needle in your own skin! I know I sat there a full five minutes trying to get the nerve up. I called my friend Dixie who is a phlebotomist for a bit of last minute advice. "Do I go slow or just jab it in?" "Just jab it in!" "Jab it in quick?" "Yes! You'll be fine!" So I jabbed, it didn't hurt a bit, just a little burning when the med goes in. I had quite the audience! The kids are so impressed! I am worried that they are going to go to school and tell their teacher that mom uses a needle to giver herself drugs! Another $75 bucks in!

First Injection!!

I had my first shot tonight! My good friend Nurse Charity(minus the walker!) helped! I loaded it all up and got it ready, she poked me and pushed the button. The needle didn't hurt at all, the meds going in stung a bit. Not to bad! So 75 units in! I was thinking today that each unit is almost $1.00! So my injection tonight was about $75.00!!

And Life Goes On

My Richard, my biggest supporter, my rock,

on the day of our Recomittment Ceremony in August

Yes, life goes on. I had my well deserved cry, and picked myself up (with a little help) and life goes on. I thank God that Rich was home. He has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He has a way of comforting me in such an unconditional, unaccusatory, unjudgmental way. Rich’s main reason for not wanting to continue on with TTC is that it is so hard for him to watch me hurt so much. He hates seeing me become consumed with all that is TTC each month. So when the bad news comes each month, I try to be strong in front of him because I don’t want him to see how hurt I am. I don’t want him to say “I told you not to get your hopes up, I told you not to get so involved”. So I try and hold back, but when he hears the negative results, he comes to me in such a comforting, accepting way, and I know that he will hold me until I’m ready to let go. I can cry my heart out, and then he knows just when to pick me up and put me back on my feet so that we can move on. Without him, I would stay in that place and continue my pitty party and focus on the sadness, but he has a way of urging me on and before I know it… life has moved on.

We were faced with a decision after this last cycle. What is the next step? Are we done? Do we throw our hands up in defeat? Is this our NO from God? Do we take a few months off to regroup and relax? If we do that then the age difference between the children just grows. Do we go right into an injectable cycle? What next?

Well, I had prayed and prayed and asked God and asked Christian friends and analyzed and thought about it this way and thought about it that way… and I just could not make a decision. As I laid in my bed crying over our negative beta result on Tuesday, I knew that I just could not make this decision. All of the options were just like mush in my head, and nothing made sense. I looked at my Richard and said this “you are a Godly man, I know that you trust the Lord and I know that you seek him and you listen. I cannot make the decision on where to go from here. I cannot find an answer, so you are going to have to decide what is next.” And I would have followed him to the end of the Earth if that is what he said was next, I would have thrown in the towel and never tried to have another child if that is what he said. I was following, because I just didn’t know where to go. Hallelujah! Praise God that my husband loves me the way that he does. I’m not sure many men would put up with me!

Our next step is injectable medication. We have done 8 cycles of Clomid, 6 with timed intercourse and 2 with IUI. The two that we did with IUI I only developed one mature follicle. I have had as many as 4 mature follicles, but still no pregnancy. My RE suggested moving on to the injectable medication. She thinks that my ovaries will respond better to Follistim. I received the medication in the mail yesterday. I will start the injections tonight. I had my baseline scan today at the RE’s office. I went in at 8am for an ultra sound to check out their size and how many follicles there were. Today is cd3, the ovaries looked beautiful (the doctor actually smiled at the screen! He smiled at my ovaries!) the lining on the uterus looked fine. Each ovary had three small follicles. He said that was good. The nurse then drew an estrogen level and the RE said to start 75units of Follistim tonight and then I will go back on Tuesday for another scan and estrogen level.

I talked to my boss on Thursday and explained that I had some morning appointments over the next few weeks that I needed to make. I asked if it was ok for me to start my day later and then stay later and she said that was ok. I was glad that was not a problem. I am blessed to work for a pretty flexible company.

Rich said that we will do three cycles of the Follistim and if we are not pregnant by April we will be done. If it works, we will have a baby by the end of the year, if it doesn’t work, at least we have time to prepare ourselves for the closure in April.

God speaks to us in mysterious ways. Last night he used Greg Pratt from ER to speak to me. Dr. Pratt said something while counseling a patient that shot straight to my heart. The patient had said how he didn't understand why. Why!? He couldn't make sense of it all. And Dr. Pratt looks at him and says "it doesn't have to make sense, that is why it is called FAITH." It doesn't have to make sense, that is why it is called faith.

I thank you so much for all of your prayers and your support. It really is great to know that we have people around us praying and encouraging us. Please continue to pray that I hold on to the peace that God has given me and not to let myself get wrapped up in obsession. Pray that I continue to have faith that God is in control and He loves me and He will only do what is best for me and my family.

Devastated

I could not take the insanity anymore, so I caved and went in for a beta today. We received the devastating news that we hoped we wouldn't. Negative.

Where we go from here is still up for grabs. I will update when we decide. Please keep praying for me, my heart is aching.

He never lets go

I thought I should post an update today. Surprisingly, I have quite a few people that follow this blog. Please feel free to comment, I would love to know who you are and where you are from! I wanted to let you all know that I have peed on everything in my possession this weekend, and I have no HPTs left. I am being stubborn and refusing to buy any more. My temp is still down and I am crampy, so AF is surely on her way. If she does not show up by Wed or Thurs I will go in for the beta. I feel a bit better today, I have felt the Lord’s comfort and peace surrounding me.

Going into church on Sunday I did not want to sing. Some of know, some of you don’t, that I am on my church’s Worship Team and help lead singing on Sunday mornings. I felt super emotional, I knew it was going to be tough getting up there and putting on a happy face. I was feeling so upset and sorry for myself, and I knew that one of the songs that we were singing was going to be especially difficult for me to make it through. As the service began, our Pastor started out with the morning this-and-that and then he said something along these lines… “We will worship the Lord this morning through our music and through the lesson, we will worship Him because He is worthy and He deserves to be worshiped, and in turn He will bless us.” Those words went into my ears and soaked into my hurting heart and I was reminded. I was reminded that God has called me to honor Him with my voice and Sunday morning was not about me and how crummy I was feeling, and what a pity is that my HPT was negative again this morning. Sunday morning was about serving the Lord, and being obedient to honor Him with the voice that He has given me. So I sang.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FWj7yqf6oM&feature=related

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Chorus:Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go Lord, You never let go of me

I don’t like being emotional when I sing, I don’t like to let the tears fall down my cheeks, because everyone is watching. Only a few escaped on Sunday, and I’m sure that only those that know me best noticed. The Lord got me through the song, and He knew that I needed to be reminded…

As the day went on, I felt his blessing. Anytime I hear that the Lord is going to bless me, inevitably I think that means a baby. Sunday, He blessed me with enough peace to get me through Sunday. Monday, He has given me enough peace to get me through Monday.

Praise God that He never lets go of me, because without his comfort and strength, I can't imagine where I would be. Thank you to all of you that have been praying for me. I truly appreciate it.

Feelin' low

Not sure what is going on. Temp below the cover line usually means AF is on the way, I am thoroughly confused. AF shouldn't be here for another four days. Tested again this morning and it was a definite BFN.


PS, I'm still a mess.

10:20pm and this is what I'm doing!

Just to complicate things further... I looked at the tests before getting in the shower, and lo and behold day three is darker. I had to cover the #s because the camera focuses on the #s and not the lines if I don't. So the order is 1st day (9dpiui) at top, 2nd (10dpiui) in middle, and 6 hours later. I have explained to my beating heart that all tests dry differently and that this evap is probably just drying darker than the others. No need to panic! What do you see?

Sharing the insanity

Sharing the insanity... I think the line is getting lighter... I can't believe that I'm not pregnant...*sigh* Remember, the line that is showing up is 99.9% sure to be left over trigger. If I were pregnant, the line would be getting darker. You can click on the picture to make it larger.

I am...

Confused...frustrated...hopeful...dissapointed...sad...ashamed...scared... embarassed...pregnant...not pregnant...

I am not doing well today. Totally freaking out. "What if I am, what if I'm not." A thousand million times through my mind! There is no way that I can make it to Wednesday. I have tested, but with the trigger still in my system I can't rely on the test. I am feeling nothing new, but that darn Progesterone # has got me feeling hopeful and when you have failed so many times it sucks to be hopeful because in the back of your mind you know that you are not pregnant and you are setting yourself up for another major fall. Oh I was doing so good with not obsessing, today I am a mess.

8dpiui

Nothing new to report. 8dpiui and hanging in there.

The aniety is increasing, I am so ready to know what the outcome of this cycle is.

I can't believe I have to wait 6 more days to test!! I'm trying to hold off on the hpts... we'll see!

Greater than 60

I got my progesterone results back this morning. The conversation went like this…
Nurse: “Hi Kari, we have your progesterone results and your number was greater than sixty.”
Me: “Did you say sixty?”
Nurse: “Yes, greater than sixty. So everything looks really good. We will see you next week for a pregnancy test.”
Me: “Do you think that means that I dropped two eggs?”
Nurse: “No, that doesn’t usually effect the progesterone numbers. High progesterone does not always mean a pregnancy.”
Me: “Yes, I know that.”

Last month is was 23. That is normal for me. I did have a 53 once, and obviously I was not pregnant. I know that it does not mean that I am pregnant this time, but just can’t help but get my hopes up a bit. I will probably have a beta Wed or Thurs next week. I am still clam, and not freaking out, I still have that peaceful attitude. I still have that 'I am not obsessing' attitude. I slipped into the Google world for just a minute, but I have pulled myself out, and moving forward.

So I-am-not-freaking-out…

RE appt update

http://mylostandfoundoflife.blogspot.com/2007/10/fine-until-you-hit-vein.html
I borrowed this picture from a fellow blogger's blog. This is a Follistim Pen. This is the medication that the RE is proposing. If you click the link, you can read "My Lost and Found of Life" entry about it.

I met with the RE today. Paid $150+ to talk about where we have been and what her recommendation is for where to go from here. She thinks that at this point we could benefit from the injectable medication. Here is more info on Follistim. http://www.follistim.com/Consumer/FollistimPen/index.asp

I asked her if it would be ok to take some time off from all of the medication and appointments and she said that would be fine. I asked her if she would consider letting my OB/GYN do the monitoring and she said that we can see if that would work. I contacted my OBGYN and she agreed to do the u/s for monitoring, but her u/s are $500+ and RE charges $160. *sigh* The OBGYN also cannot turn around the bloodwork in the amount of time that the RE needs it, so I would have to go to OSF Hospital in Peoria for the bloodwork. At this rate, I may as well just make the 1 1/2 hour trip to the RE's office. So now, we need to figure out what we want to do. What I want to happen is that I am pregnant as I write this so I don't have to worry about any of this!

My RE was so understanding about the point that we are at, and she said that no matter what we decide she wants us to be sure that we are comfortable with the decision. We did go over today that IVF was not an option and she did not push at all. I just love her so much!!