Just call me hoppy

I feel like a walking Easter Basket! I had the u/s this morning, there were two "mature" follicles measuring 18mm & 21mm. I had several "medium" follicles measuring 15mm, 14mm, 14mm, 14mm and a few small ones 12mm, 10mm, 10mm. I was hoping for 4 mature follicles, I'm not sure what we got. I had the trigger shot this morning and we will be doing the IUI at 9am tomorrow. I was thinking of giving myself a little boost of Follistem tonight, to help those "medium" ones grow a bit, but I thought that may be a bit to risky. I am hoping and praying that Rich's numbers are good tomorrow. He has been taking all of those herbs and vitamins for a month, I am excited to see the results in high numbers tomorrow!!

Relaxation is going to be key again. I am going to try to take it easy for the rest of the weekend, and relax in the 2ww. The 2ww is always such insanity. I have done really good the past few cycles, I am hoping to continue that. No testing, no obsessing over the numbers.

Here he is!!!!!

Here is the Snowman getting all the action!!

He is so cute! He dances and shakes his booty!

This is the booty that we practice on!

Kait did the shot again last night, and again I got a double poke. She did it the first time and it did a little *sucking in of breath sound* and so she jerked back and pulled it out. Again, we were both laughing. I told her just to go for it, no matter what sound I make. So she did it again, and I injected the 75iu. Back to the RE tomorrow for a look with the vaggie cam to see if we are ready!! I hope we don’t run into Sunday because my RE isn’t open on Sunday and I don’t like their protocol for a Sunday ovulation.

Update

Estradiol level was 588. I have no clue what that means, but she said it was good. They are cutting back my dosage. 75iu tonight and 50iu tomorrow with another u/s on Friday. Looks like possible IUI on Saturday!

Pokin' the Snowman

Well, the snowman got some more pokin’ last night! I got home from the gym, and I was getting the kids through the shower. I was standing in my kitchen thinking that it was time for my shot. I thought that I would just do it right then and there, do it quickly and get it over with! So I got everything ready… and I stood there and stood there and stood there! Grrrr! This is SO silly!!! I knew that I was not going to be able to do it, so Kait and I had a briefing with the snowman! She did a great job! So then it came time for the shot. I told her to count to three and then poke it in, so she did. She said “Ok Mommy, here we go! One, two, three!” And she poked it in and pulled it right back out!! Ahh!! I said “Kait! (As I am laughing so hard!) You need to leave it in so that I can push the medicine in!” She was like “Well that is how we practiced, and that is how I always get shots at the doctor’s office!” It was so funny! We were both laughing! So we went for poke #2 and she did great, so did Mommy! So now we have a total of 600 units of Follistem on board. That is about $450.00 worth! Shesh! I don’t know yet if my insurance is going to reimburse me. I sent them a bill for over $1300.00 worth of medication.

I had my appt this morning with the RE. Things looked good on the u/s. She measured 2 follies on the left and 6 on the right. They took the blood and said to call back after 1 for instructions. She asked if Rich was going to be around this week and I told her that he was away now, but as soon as he was needed, he would come home. So I am thinking that we will have the IUI Friday or Saturday. Just a guess. I will update when I get further information later today, and I am going to try to find my camera so that I can post a pic of the snowman!!

U/S today

I'm writing tonight from one of our old computers, so I thought I would include a picture that was stored on here from years ago. Look how little the kids look!! This must have been in 2004.

I had an u/s this morning. The doc was running 35 minutes late! Uggg! I schedule my appointments for first thing in the morning so that I don't have to miss to much work. I didn't get into work until 10:15 today! All went fine with the u/s. Today was only 3 days worth of meds, so it's really too early to tell how many follies we will end up with. He measured about 4 or so on each side. They did the estrogen draw and said that looked good, to stay on the same dose of the Follistem. I go back on Wednesday for the next u/s. My friend Micky did my shot tonight! Ha! I'll let just about anyone do it so that I don't have to!! I'll let you know how things look on Wednesday. We should know more then.

Rich poked me tonight!

Now get your minds out of the gutter!!!! Yes, Rich poked me tonight... for my shot!! He gave me an injection for the first time tonight! I had my first injection last night, my friend Dixie administered it in the bathroom at a Christian Marriage Conference! We were so afraid we were going to get caught shooting up in the bathroom!!!!

So tonight, I was trying to do the shot, I was stalling as usual. Rich was sitting on the couch next to me taking his 9 vitamins. (He has been taking these herbs and vitamins to boost his sperm count, what a team player!!) He was laughing saying that if someone were to look in our windows they would have quite a show. Me sitting there trying to inject myself, and Rich popping pills! LOL Again, I just could not do this injection. Rich offered to do it, but I was afraid that he would be to rough, so I made him do a trial run on the snowman. I made him show me how he would inject me by sticking the snowman! HA!! We got quite a kick out of that!! So he passed his snowman injecting test, so I let him poke me! He did a great job.

cd...what?

I’m not sure what cycle day I would be considered. With the bump in the road this cycle, being put on birth control pills to stall ovulation giving the cyst time to go away… I’m just not sure where that puts me. I went in today for the follow up u/s to check on the cyst and it is gone! Yay!! So nothing today or tomorrow, and I start injections on Friday. She has bumped me from 75u to 100u. I’m excited about that. I am hoping for 4 follies!

I am getting pregnant this cycle… and it will be twins! That is my mantra! That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!! When I went to visit my friend that had her surro-twins last weekend, they put both of those babies in my arms at the same time, and it just fit. It was a tiny slice of heaven for just a moment. A glimmer of what my future could be. I had a friend e-mail me today and ask how I was. She asked if I had a silver lining, if I had any glimmers of hope. I’m hanging onto that moment. That moment when I held those two precious babies… it is my silver lining for now. That moment is my hope.

Pierre and Maslin

The surro-babies that Misty delivered on 02/14/08

IVF

Babies, babies, everywhere! I have been surrounded by babies this week. My friend Misty (see side bar for blog link) had her surro-twins on Valentines day. Congrats to her! A friend of mine from the infertility boards, Amanda, had her baby today. Congratulations Amanda & her DH on the birth of Brady. He is sooooooooo cute!!!! A friend from work had her first grandbaby today. Congratulations Grandma Shelly!!!! I was sitting on the couch last night with Rich when I got the two texts from two friends going into labor. I knew that Misty was probably very close, and I was doing fine dealing with all of my emotions, then I got the texts from both friends, back to back... and proceeded to have a melt down. I went through my usual questions, why this, why that, I don't understand, blah blah blah. Poor Rich was here with a wet shoulder, again. In the midst of all of the tears, he was reassuring me that one day we would have our baby and that it will happen for us, and he said that if I really wanted to do IVF we could. The poor sweet guy, he wants so bad to be able to make it all better.

IVF is not for us. I know that, but lately have lost sight of that a few times. IVF is not for us, and this is why. First and foremost, we believe that if God wants us to have another child, he can make it happen. If God wants to join a sperm with one of my eggs, he will. I think that IVF is a decision that each family need to make for themselves. I am not saying that I think IVF is wrong for everyone, I am just saying that IVF is not for us. I do not want a scientist to be the one joining the sperm and the egg, I want that to be God's job. Secondly, I have a problem with the little embryos that are created prior to IVF. A friend of mine just went through her first IVF. She harvested 21 eggs. They fertilized them, and 11 fertilized. 10 made it to an embryo stage. So now they have 10 embryos, 10 babies in my opinion. So here is my issue. Now what? I could not freeze my babies, I could not destroy my babies, I could not implant all 10... so what do you do? This is another dilemma that I have with IVF. We really do not want multiples (though I would be over the moon with twins, Rich would freak!) and your chance of multiples is 20-30% with IVF. Another reason that IVF is not for us.

I want a baby. I want to have a belly! I want to feel the kicks. I want to feel the warmth of my 6 year old's hand on my belly feeling his sibling kick for the first time. I want a trip to the hospital. I want my water to break. I want to watch my children dote over their baby brother or sister. I want to see my husband with his face shining on his newborn. I want fuzzy soft blankets. I want to nurse. I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to have "an announcement to make". I want the joy. I want the joy. I want this feeling of inadequateness and failure and longing to go away. I want the victory. I want the miracle.

Big, Fat, Hairy, Ugly Cyst

That's what has grown on my left ovary. A Big, Fat, Hairy, Ugly Cyst. Grrrrrr!! So the doc put me on b/c pills (I don’t think I have eaten one of those since the one time when I was 17!!!). I have to take those for a week, then go back for another u/s a week from tomorrow. If things look good, I will start the FSH and we will move forward.

cd3

AF arrived on Saturday. I am feeling ok. I felt early on last cycle that it would be a bust, so the BFN didn’t surprise me much. I am slipping deeper and deeper into fear and realization that “this” is most likely not going to happen for us. The pain of that is almost to much to even approach, so I am hanging out here on the edge of reality. For us, there has always been “next cycle”, and soon, there will be no “next cycle”. I guess I have always found comfort in next time, and not really thought about what I will feel with no possibility of next time. The pain encroaching on my heart is… I can’t even find a word for it… I feel the end of this journey is very near for us, and I fear that it isn’t going to be happily ever after. I have always had my happily ever after. Always. It’s difficult to think of facing a life without completion. *Sigh* That may not even make sense.

I really do think that counseling for this would be good for me, however, I think that to truly be “counseled” I need a doctor/therapist that understands my faith. My faith has a lot to do with the disappointment of this not happening. There are many questions that I need to work through, like, why is God doing this to me. I think it may be difficult to find a Christian councilor that specializes in infertility.

The plan for now is a u/s tomorrow morning. They wanted me in there today, cd3, but there was no way I could get away from work. She said that they usually don’t like to wait until cd4, but to come in and they will see how many follies I am working on. I have no idea what that means. Maybe we won’t be able to even do injectables this cycle due to the late u/s. I’ll know more tomorrow. I have a vial and a half left of the medication. That should get me through this cycle. Once that is gone, perhaps that will be all she wrote… we’ll take it day by day.

BFN

I tested this morning, BFN, again. Waiting for the doc to call and confirm it. Words alone cannot express my frustration, dissapointment, pain, fear, lack of understanding, confustion... I am reminded of Greg Pratt's quote... "we don't have to understand it all, that's why it is called faith."

Sorry, Becky reminded me that not everyone knows the lingo... BFN is Big Fat Negative... no baby for us this month.

10dpiui

I am usually freaking out at this point, peeing on anything that resembles a HPT, crunching and comparing numbers, researching, etc. This is what I am doing today.

I am 10 days post IUI and feeling pretty relaxed. The RE's nurse called today with the progesterone numbers and I told her I didn't want to know numbers. I was proud of me!! She did say that "things look good." So, so far, so good. She also said that I will not start my period while on the progesterone, so I will have a beta on Friday. Other than that, nothing new to report.

I did work on my challenge and have pics to post, but for some reason this laptop won't load them. I will post themwhen I get home.