cd3

AF arrived on Saturday. I am feeling ok. I felt early on last cycle that it would be a bust, so the BFN didn’t surprise me much. I am slipping deeper and deeper into fear and realization that “this” is most likely not going to happen for us. The pain of that is almost to much to even approach, so I am hanging out here on the edge of reality. For us, there has always been “next cycle”, and soon, there will be no “next cycle”. I guess I have always found comfort in next time, and not really thought about what I will feel with no possibility of next time. The pain encroaching on my heart is… I can’t even find a word for it… I feel the end of this journey is very near for us, and I fear that it isn’t going to be happily ever after. I have always had my happily ever after. Always. It’s difficult to think of facing a life without completion. *Sigh* That may not even make sense.

I really do think that counseling for this would be good for me, however, I think that to truly be “counseled” I need a doctor/therapist that understands my faith. My faith has a lot to do with the disappointment of this not happening. There are many questions that I need to work through, like, why is God doing this to me. I think it may be difficult to find a Christian councilor that specializes in infertility.

The plan for now is a u/s tomorrow morning. They wanted me in there today, cd3, but there was no way I could get away from work. She said that they usually don’t like to wait until cd4, but to come in and they will see how many follies I am working on. I have no idea what that means. Maybe we won’t be able to even do injectables this cycle due to the late u/s. I’ll know more tomorrow. I have a vial and a half left of the medication. That should get me through this cycle. Once that is gone, perhaps that will be all she wrote… we’ll take it day by day.