Weekend

What are you doing this weekend?  Pictures of my weekend, with a REAL camera, to come.

Breath in the fall air.  Spend time with your family.  Slow down.  Live.

Whirlwind

The passed few days have been something of a whirlwind.  The kids are in full swing with Cross Country and Golf and Carnival preparation.  I'm in full chauffeur mode running here and there, sometimes literally, cheering my little runners on!  We are undergoing a huge kitchen remodel and have walls coming down and walls going up.  The drywall is finished and that has left us with drywall dust everywhere!  My home and I are in great need of a day of "stay home and clean".  With Rich being home in the evenings, it is more tempting to do this..

and if you follow me on Instagram (karilynn3) you will have also seen me doing this...

Tonight is the night, and I'm going to get some things done :)

On the foster care front... 



Another of my antique mall finds.



 We are still waiting.  Our licensing worker had told me to call in a few weeks and see where things stand.  I called Monday.  Ten days was good for me!  Usually I'm not that patient.  She called me back yesterday and said that they still didn't have my fingerprint clearance back yet and it could be up to six months because of some glitch in Springfield.  Oh ehm gee.  SIX MONTHS!??  Really??  Can someone please remind me WHY Rich and I about killed ourselves taking the expedited classes 90 minutes one way from our house?????  We could have taken the local classes and been done in plenty of time for them to get the clearance back for fingerprints.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I think the reason was our super awesome class and super duper awesome instructors that we had in Champaign!  They made it worth it.  I did call the company who had taken our Livescan fingerprints and also I spoke to the State Police who send the results to DCFS and they both assured me that our fingerprints were scanned on July 3rd and the results were clear and emailed to DCFS on July 3rd.  I called my licensing worker back to share this with her and see if I can make things happen any faster.  As I'm talking with my licensing worker she tells me about a situation with a four year old boy that is available for adoption.  She says that she needs to get further information but would we be interested.  I say yes, we would be interested in learning more about him and the situation.  She called me back (third phone call of the day) and asks if we would like to keep Mr. M for the weekend and see if it would be a good fit for an adoption placement.  Ummmm, ok.  I know nothing about his case, why he is in care, etc. but sure, he can come for the weekend.  I requested that she have his caseworker call me today so that I could ask some questions. Rich & I spent some time last night making a list of questions and pros & cons.  The questions we had were...

How old was he when he came into care?

How long was he in care?

How long was he back at home?

Why was he removed in the first place?

Why was he removed in the second incident?

How many previous foster homes has he been in?

Why aren't the previous foster parents wanting to adopt him?

Where is he currently?

Does he have siblings? Are they in care?

Does he attend school?  Where?

Does he have special needs?  Disabilities?

Does he have a special diet?

Are there any religious affiliations or objections?

We were feeling excited, anxious, scared, thrilled, cautious...all sorts of emotions.  I love this blog and went there today to see the latest post.  I still find it amazing when God shows up in unexpected ways.  Today He spoke to me and encouraged me through Glennon and this.  You need to see this.  It's awesome and it's powerful and it encouraged me this morning when I was feeling new foster parent emotions.

Last night we talked to the kids about the planned weekend visit and discussed some of his possible behavior issues.  I waited for his caseworker to call me today.  I got a call from my licensing worker at around 11:30 this morning and she was letting me know that she had spoken with someone at DCFS who assured her that the Springfield Central Office of Licensing had all of our information but that is where the hang up was for processing.  She gave me a contact number to call DCFS and speak to them about it.  As she was getting ready to hang up I mentioned that Mr. M's caseworker had not called yet, and she says, "ohhh, I'm sorry, DCFS isn't going to approve that."  I was confused.  "Soooo, he isn't coming this weekend?" I asked.  "Sorry, no, that isnt' going to work out".  Like it was no big deal.  To me, it is a big deal.  This is the second time that I have been asked to take a child and then the opportunity was taken away like it was no big deal. 

When I get a call about a child, I go through so many emotions.  It's like Christmas morning, seeing two lines on a HPT, my baby's birthday and the first day of school all mixed together.  Excitement and fear.  My brain is moving 100mph asking questions, making plans, praying for knowledge, praying for God's will.  To have these opportunities given and then snatched back is hard.  I wonder if it is typical.

For now, I have decided I do not want to be contacted by our agency until they are calling to tell me that they have our license.  I don't want any more of these 'maybe this will work out' situations.  I don't want any more false hope (take these classes and we will get you your license right away).  I'm going to spend the next weeks enjoying this beautiful weather, cleaning my house and nesting, getting our fall decorations out and soaking up the last days of being a family of five.

Khloe and I did take our one on one day out last weekend.



Chai Latte & Hot Carmel Apple Cider

We had a great time shopping in some small downtown shops, ordering new running shoes, eating at her favorite place, getting pedicures and painting pottery.  Liz is my middle child.  Easy going most of the time, loving, free with an I love you and a squeeze, nurturing, and just happy to be here.  It was great spending time with just me & her.

Enjoy fall ya'll!  Have a chai latte and snuggle under a blanket with your favorite guy!

A make over

We had our final visit with our licensing worker, well I had the last meeting.  Kids were at sporting events and Rich was working.  House was shinny and ready for inspection.  She came in, asked to see the locked meds, guns and fire alarms, asked if we had any questions and was on her way in about 20 minutes.  Works for me.  So we have completed our homestudy, she just has to compile the report.  The agency called my refrences on Friday.  Our licensing worker called me Friday and said that everything was done, now we just wait for clearance on the fingerprints and she had called Springfield and they said that they were very backed up.  I have no idea what "backed up" means.  I'll be patient for a few weeks, and then I will start making some calls.

We had a relaxing weekend at our house.  Saturday was spent taking a few walks...

 How many animals can you find in this pic?

And our favorite two year old came for a sleepover!

Kait and I went on a lingering shopping trip to our local antique mall and found some great finds!!  One is seen here...an old metal globe.

The purchase of an AMAZING rug led to a front porch make over that was long over due!  We had a yard sale a few months, ahem, a while ago, and my front porch was left in a sad state.

Very sad indeed!

But with about 45 minutes of work, this sad porch turned into a beautiful first impression!

How much do you LOVE that rug!!  It was my favorite find of the day!

I also found a great vintage high chair that I will share another day.  I also went to a new bible study group last night.  I get nervous when entering a new setting.  Will they like me?  Will I talk to much?  Will I fit in?  You know, the stuff that us girls still worry about even though we are out of high school. :)  So I asked a friend to go with me and I am so glad I went!  It is a group of moms praying for our kids and praying for our school and administration.  God showed up and I was blessed with the council and experience of another mom.  I couldn't help but wonder how many kids I will have in my care when we meet again in three weeks.

Today is Monday and I am coming off a slow weekend high.  We had minimal obligations this weekend and it is so nice to have a slowed pace.  Khloe & Drew ran in a cross country meet on Saturday morning and they both did a great job!  Saturday afternoon we went and visited my old friend "the gym".  It was good to be back.  I signed Khloe up for a running class twice a week, so it will be great to be back in the gym!  Sunday was church, then a trip to the grocery store to stock up on some healthy food and ingredients for some recipes I want to make this week.  I love the feeling of having a cart full of healthy, organic food for my family (minus the strawberry pop tarts that I snuck in there for me).  I got several walks in this weekend and a few driving lessons for this girl...

who is a horrible driver!!  Took years off my life I'm sure!!

I had an update on Friday for you about our Foster Care situation.  I ran out of time and didn't have a chance to include it in the post.  Friday we were scheduled for our final home visit for our homestudy.  Our licensing worker called and canceled saying that the final visit had to be done within 30 days of our fingerprint clearance and our clearance wouldn't be back in 30 days.  This is very frustrating.  We had our fingerprints done on July 10th.  Never were we told that it could take up to 90 days so have it done right away!  If we would have known that it would be October before our clearance was back we would not have taken classes 90 minutes away and crammed 9 weeks of classes into 4 weeks.  We did that because we wanted to get our license as soon as possible.  There were classes 40 minutes from my house.  They were once a week for 9 weeks.  That would have made so much more sense.  I'm sure that this is just one of the many frustrations that we will have on this journey.

The hesitation/questions about "if we are doing the right thing" continue.  Often, we will be doing something and I will think 'how will this work if we have little kids'?  Yesterday in church I had a pretty big "ahh haa" moment.  If you look back in the archives of this blog you will see years and years of my cries and pleads and prayers to God to give me another child.  Rich & I went to some pretty great lengths to try to make this happen.  The Lord said "No" time and time again. 

I was asking Him to serve me.  Give me my heart's desire.  Now He is asking me to serve Him.  I need to remember that.  This journey isn't about me.  It's about these kids that need a safe place, and showing the love of Jesus by loving them while they are with us.  Very humbling.

Lunch

Let's start with Lunch :)  A happy subject.  I really enjoy making lunches for my kiddos and my husband who is now working close to home.  It does take a while to get everything together in the evenings, but it's worth it to me.  My husband and I are re-reading The Five Love Languages (a MUST READ for every couple) and acts of service is definetly one of my love languages.  So making these healthy lunches for my family is "LOVE" for me.

Today's lunch was a little of this and that for everyone.  We are finishing off the week's supplies so it was a bit of a hodpodge.  usually Fridays are "Pack Your Own Lunch" days, but they had to do that Monday & Tuesday so I covered today :)  Two lunches looked like this one above.  Turkey & garlic herb hummus on a whloe grain flax seed wrap, half a pear, Sargento cheese stick, peanuts, pistacios, dried berries, chocolate covered raisins and a boiled egg.

All cheeses are not created equal.  Here are the nutrition facts on the Sargento Colby Jack Cheese

Nutrition Facts

Serving Size 1Piece (21g)
Amount Per Serving
Calories 80 From Fat 60
% Daily Value
Total Fat 7g 10%
Saturated Fat 4.5g 22%
Trans Fat 0g
Cholesterol 20mg 6%
Sodium 140mg 6%
Total Carbohydrate <1g 0="0">
Dietary Fiber 0g 0%
Sugars 0g
Protein 5g
Vitamin A 4% Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 15% Iron 0%
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs:

Click the link for some great snack ideas for Colby Jack Cheese http://www.sargento.com/products/69/sargento-colby-jack-cheese-snacks/

I have an update on the Foster Care situation, but I'm running out of time, so that will have to wait for another day.

Lunch Time

I have a confession.  I'm getting old.  It has taken me about three days to recover from our weekend events.  I've just been so tired!  So my kids had school lunch Monday & Tuesday.  I'm not a fan of school lunch.  I feel like a bad mama when they have to eat that processed food at school.  Last night I finally found the energy to put together four healthy lunches!

One of these days I'm going to use my good camera instead of my phone so I can get some good pictures to share.

Today's lunch included a whole grain bagel with cream cheese, turkey and lettuce.  Clementine, carrots and a grahamful.  The Grahamfuls are a new treat that we thought we would try.  The box claims they are 100% whole grain, no high fructose corn syrup, no artificial flavors and a good source of calcium.  They do have 5 grams of sugar which is a bit high for the serving size, but I'm using it as the dessert, so I don't mind.  I think the stats are pretty good considering it's a packaged food. I felt that there wasn't a lot to this lunch but the kids have been complaining that I'm sending too much.  All of the kids have sport activities after school today and when that happens I like to try to pack a little extra so that they can eat that after school before their event.  In the effort not to over pack their lunch, I didn't include anything extra. 

I came across this blog yesterday as I was Pinning. http://www.greenplaterule.com/health-nutrition/best-breads/  It is a great blog with lots of healthy tips.  I liked this article on breads.  Breads are hard to find healthy choices.  I try my best to incorporate the recommended servings each day.  It's difficult.  We don't eat breakfast, and I KNOW that is the most important meal of the day.  Maybe we will work on that.  Here are the servings that I try to meet.

Do you have any blogs that you follow that have healthy tips?  What are tricks that you use to help your family eat healthy?  Leave a comment and share.

Cold Feet

Over the passed few days I have developed a sort of cold.  Cold Feet.  I am really really good at worrying and "borrowing trouble" as Granny would say.  I’m starting to worry about how this will affect my kids negatively. I have considered how this will affect them, both positively and negatively, but I felt that the good outweighed the bad and that the bad would help them become better people in the long run. The negative for them would be that, imagine this…the world doesn’t revolve around THEM. I know they will have to share their parents, and that will be a change.

Can I share that MY KIDS ARE MY WORLD?  I know we all love our kids, but I love my kids to the moon and back, more than all the starts in the sky, more that all the sand on the beaches and in the ocean and then even more than that!  All I have ever aspired to be in life was a Mommy. I didn’t want to be a doctor, a nurse, a teacher…just a Mommy. While I am no where near the perfect mommy, I do my best and always put the want and needs of my kids first. My kids’ happiness is very important to me. I don’t like to see them upset, I don’t like for them to be disappointed, and I will do everything in my power to “make it better”.

So as we get closer to bringing children in our home, I am starting to get more apprehensive. I am worrying about how my kids will adjust, if they will be resentful or jealous. I am worrying about time and attention it will take away from them. I am worrying about opportunities that they may miss due to time or finances. I am second guessing our decision. I’m getting cold feet.

With changes soon coming to our home I wanted to put aside some time to spend with each of our kids individually. This passed weekend Rich & I spent the weekend with Kaitlyn in St. Charles. She was participating in the National American Miss Illinois pageant.

It was three days of alone time with our oldest daughter. It was a busy weekend, but a fun time to watch her shine on stage.

It was nice to spend three days just focusing on HER. There were other parents there with little ones, strollers and such, and I couldn’t help but think “I’m so glad I’m not trying to push a baby through these halls!”. She learned a lot this weekend and I think she wants to try again next year for the title. This pageant is a well recognized, well attended pageant and the top 30 selected into the semi-finals were obviously well versed in “pageant”. I’m all for my children setting goals and working to achieve them. Helping Kait achieve this goal would most likely be me spending money and time on pageant coaches, lessons and helping her build her resume with volunteer positions and activities. I am in a place in my life where I am able to do that. Financially and flexibility in my schedule. If I have foster children in my home, that won’t be the case.

I sent invitations in the mail for Khloe and Drew this week inviting them on a special date. Just Mom & Dad & you date. Drew wants to go drive go-karts and mini golf and we are taking Khloe to Fired Up to do some pottery and then they each get to choose dinner out. Just time to be with each kid individually and spend some quality time with them before big changes.  I'm worried about big changes.

I have also been wondering how this will effect my job.  We use the money from my job for travel, eating out, movies, all of the fun extra stuff.  Buying the kids things they really don't need.  If I have to take time off, or quit all together, could we maintain our lifestyle?

Also, it has been stressful to keep out house in tip top shape for these home visits for our homestudy.  I have three messy kids, a husband and a very busy life.  I work full time.  By the time I get home in the evenings, I'm ready to relax. Instead, I have to clean, and do laundry, and supervise homework and make lunches.  Keeping up with the house has always been a challenge for me.  What if we get a foster child placement and they are stressed because my kids leave their clothes all over the bathroom floor?? (YES, I know they should clean up after themselves but to save their lives I don't think they could put their dirty underware in the basket that is literally two ceramic tiles from where they stand!)  What if the current disrepair of our kitchen freaks them out?  Does the house always have to be perfect??  What if Lisa comes over for a supervisory visit and I have two baskets of clean laundry dumped on the couch and still haven't sorted and folded it (like now??)?  What if my floors aren't mopped or the dog has pooped on the floor (YES, I know he shouldn't do that, but HE DOES sometimes if the kids don't let him out after school)?

I'm totally stressing and worrying and wondering.  Then I remember that God has called us to care for these children and "Follow Him into the homes of the broken" and then I am humbled and ashamed that I am thinking of ME when there are children out there that are hurting that need a safe place to lay their head at night.  If God calls you to it then He will help you through it, right?

Lisa is scheduled to come on Friday for the final home visit.  I plan to keep praying and hoping that God will work out the details.  Maybe the dog will poop on the floor while she's there.

Lunch Time

The kids are back in school and I am thankful for a normal routine.  One thing that I commited to last year was to pack my kids healthy lunches.  I have become a bit obsessed with it :).  I love finding perfect containers and boxes.  I have tried several from the inexpensive Glad & Ziplock to more expensive click lock containers found on Amazon.  I found these really great ones at Wal*Mart this year and they were only $8!  I'm loving them!  So I'm going to share lunches with you.  For one reason...I find it so helpful to see what others are doing and get ideas and for another...because I'm proud and I want to show off my creations!!

I do my best to pack whole, nutritious, low-sugar, organic meals.  I also do my best to pack all of the basic food groups.  My son loses his mind when he has sugar and dyes so I do my best to limit those to save the sanity of his teachers.  This lunch was from Tuesday.  Monday was a pack your own lunch day.  I think one of the kids has two bags of chips and a brownie that day...but I digress.  Tuesdays lunch...ham & cheese sandwich on horrible white W0nder bread, processed ham that I got at Sams and Kraft cheese.  Not my best work.  Half a peach, and some Laughing Cow herb & garlic cheese.  Laughing Cow cheese is gluten free and made with whole milk as opposed to powdered or weird varieties.  I added some wheat crackers (Keebler brand, nothing special about them), some pistacios (Pistachios are an excellent source of copper and manganese, and a good source of phosphorus. They’re also an excellent source of vitamin B6, offering 20% of the Daily Value per serving. In addition to vitamin B6, pistachios are a good source of thiamin (15% DV) and have lesser amounts of other B vitamins, such as folate and biotin at 4% DV, and riboflavin, niacin, and pantothenic acid at 2% DV. They are also a great souce of fiber.), there are some chocolate covered rasins hiding uner there (it's a sweet treat without a lot of sugar), a Fiber One brownie and apple sauce.

My kids...and my husband...love the Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies.  Here is a comparison on the Cosmic brownies and the Fiber One.  The Fiber One brownies are a good alternative.  Especially for my son who can't handle sugar.

Calories in Little Debbie cosmic brownies

Serving Size: 1 serving

Amount Per Serving

Calories 300

• Total Fat 13.0 g
• Saturated Fat 4.0 g
• Cholesterol 10.0 mg
• Sodium 170.0 mg
• Total Carbohydrate 43.0 g
• Dietary Fiber 1.0 g
• Sugars 27.0 g
• Protein 3.0 g

This was today's lunch.  Left over Panara bread, Oscar Meyer Deli Fresh Chicken Breast (getting better, but still not a great cut of meat), peanuts, ants on a log with chocolate covered rasins sprinkled with Chia seeds, fruit rope, and a half of a papple (pear/apple).

It does take some practice and research to come up with yummy, interesting lunches for your kids, but it is possible!  It does take an extra bit of time, but it is worth it!!

Tonight's the Night!

Tonight's the night! Rich & I complete our final class!  27 hours down in 4 weeks!  90 minute drive one way...over!  Monday & Thursday 18 hour days..no more!!  Don't get me wrong, these classes have been wonderful.  Our instructors have be awesome and we have learned soooo much, but I am ready to be done with the long days!  We have our final homestudy meeting at our house on 09/7.  After that we just have to wait for the fingerprint clearance to come through.  Once that happens we will get a letter in the mail and then we wait for a referral call.  To say I'm excited is weird.  Obviously the circumstance of a child coming into our home is not good.  Any child that enters the custody of the state has been throught trama and no child should have to go through pain and suffering.  I am grateful that we are able to help.  It's sad that there is such a need for qualified foster parents.

Our kids grow so quickly.  Before you know it they are in high school!  We are looking forward to having little feet in our home again.  This picture is of my dad and my Goddaughter.  He was reading many books to her this weekend and I said to my step-mom "won't it be nice to have little ones around to read to again?"  My kids are to big to sit on your lap and let you read a book.  I can't wait to be able to cuddle up to a toddler and read to them.  To let them know that they are loved and wanted.

Back to School

Kaitlyn Nicole, 15 years old, Sophomore

Khloe Elaine, 13 years old, 8th grade

Drew Allen, 11 years old, 5th grade

It's that time of year again!  When the kids head back to school and the mamas cry and say how fast time flies and how they can't believe their kid is in ___ grade!  Yep, that's me!  I can't believe how fast they grow up!  I wasn't ready for them to go back to school, but I was.  I am looking forward to the house not being messed while I am at work every day!  I am also looking forward to a routine.  I like my kids home though.  I like the laziness of summer and no rushed schedules.  Having two teenage girls and one grumpy boy in the house trying to get ready in the mornings has proven to be a bit of a challenge.  We need to make some adjustments but we'll get it!  As I was driving to work this morning feeling frustrated and a bit bad about the way things went this morning I wondered how adding more kids to the mix will work.  We are rushed as it is, I can't imagine trying to get other kids ready in addition to these three!  Time will tell.  I'm anxious to see how things will work out.  What age kid will we bring into our home?  How many?  What sex?  What if we get two of the same sex?  How will that work with bedrooms?  So many questions.

Tonight is session 8 in our classes.  One more after this and we are done!!  So close!  It's hard not to get excited and start looking ahead and asking those questions.  I want to be able to prepare, to have the right sheets on the bed, to have clothes ready.  But I guess in the world of Foster Care I need to get used to the fact that there isn't much preparation that you can do.  You just take things as they come and know that it will all work out.

Fall is approaching, a change in the season, a change for us soon in our home.  I wish I could turn a few chapters and peek ahead. :)

Session Six!

We are chuggin along in our PRIDE training.  We complete session six of nine tonight.  We opted to take the fast track and complete the 27 hours of required training in one month instead of the standard 9 weeks.  In order to do this we drive 90 minutes one way.  It makes for a very long Monday and Thursday.  Today I was up at 6:30 to get two kids to cross country practice and then to work by 8.  I will work until 4 and then make the drive to Urbana, have class and return home at 10:30pm.  *yawn*  It makes me tired just thinking about it.  But...that is how serious/dedicated we are :)  Or crazy, I'm not sure which. 

We had our second homestudy visit this week with our licensing worker.  It was short and sweet and to the point.  She checked out our new beds and verified that guns and meds were locked.  She answered questions from training and said she would be back for her final visit once we had completed our classes.

We are eager to see what God has in store for us.  We are eager for the first call and the first placement.  We are eager to finish up on our classes!  This is going to be an adventure and I can't wait to see it all unfold!

Two years passed?

Has it really been two years since I've written anything? Time flies.

With a new journey for our family on the horizon, I thought I would come back to the blog to document.

Let's start with an updated picture of what our family looks like today...

Khloe, on the left, is 13 now. Drew, in front, is 11 and Kait, on the right, is 15.
We are a very busy family. The kids are involved in many activities and sports. I still work full time and Rich still travels. We still have not adopted. We "borrow" our God-daughter a lot. She is 2 1/2 and brings much joy to our family! We love her to pieces and the kids fight over who gets to spend time with her and who gets to sit by her in the car! We have her every Sunday. She has been a huge joy and blessing to our family!

Where have we been over the passed two years? We did pursue Miracles In Waiting Embryo Adoption and only received a few emails of inquiry, nothing that was ever returned after the initial response. In April of 2011 I had another Laparoscopy to clean out the endometriosis. By August the pain was unbearable. Some nights I couldn't even walk up the stairs to bed. My Dr had me keep a journal of pain for several months, and after seeing in black and white that I averaged 3 days a month pain free, I finally agreed to a hysterectomy. I had a complete hysterectomy and oopererectomy in September 2011. I was ready to be pain free and I had conceded to the fact that we would not have any more biological children. My heart and soul were finally at peace with that. I am happy to report that I am 99% pain free and it is wonderful!

I am back here posting to document our journey into Foster Care. We are currently pursing our Foster Care license and praying about what that will mean for our family.
My mom has done relative and non-relative foster care for 28 years. I have seen relatives in our home for care while their mom got her life back together, I have seen relatives adopted, I have seen severely medically fragile children adopted, severely medically fragile children die, healthy toddlers placed and adopted, newborns placed and adopted, teenagers placed and removed, teenagers placed and adopted. I've seen the system fail and I've seen the system work. I had always said that I could never do foster care. As a young adult, I resented the fact that my mom couldn't be as involved in my life and in the life of my kids that I would like her to be because she still had small kids of her own (she is now 57 and her youngest is 18 months). I didn't think that foster care was for me or my family. However, the Lord's plans are not always our own.

I have felt the tug of foster care for about three years now. We looked into it about three years ago and had a licensing worker over to the house for an application and interview. She stressed how the State's goal is to return children to their parents and that was enough to scare me away. At the time, I wanted to adopt. I want to add to our family, forever. That is when we started to consider Africa. We wanted something more guaranteed to be forever and decided that we couldn't take the risk of foster care. We started on a wild goose chase to adopt from Africa. What a hot mess that was. I know in my heart of hearts that God spoke to me. I know that we were to pursue that, but...we kept hitting brick wall after brick wall and it left me confused and spent. It was about this time that my God-daughter was born. I think that she was my saving grace. She was the balm to my aching heart. I got to hold her and love her and rock her to sleep sometimes. We borrowed her every chance that we got and we loved on her every minute we could. I think she brought me out of the haze of that all consuming fertility fight and brought me to the here and the now. She has been a breath of fresh air and we are blessed to have her in our life!

We have been busy living our lives, traveling, running kids here and there, working, etc. The yearning for another child has gotten less and less as the years have passed. Recently, we were handed an opportunity to possibly take custody of a newborn. My mom's youngest foster child's bio-mom was pregnant. Bio-moms rights have been terminated and so the baby would immediately go into DCFS care. My mom is licensed for 6 and has 6 at home, so she could not take the sibling. We thought it would be perfect for us to take the sibling so that they could be raised to know each other. We were working with the placement agency to secure all required paperwork/classes. Our initial call was in May of 2012. We were trying to get into PRIDE classes that started in early June. The class was full and they would not make an exception or let us apply on a stand-by basis. My husband & I had our physicals & fingerprints done in early June. I was pushing to get classes done so that when the baby was born we would be through that part. Rich would be working in July, so I registered for a class by myself. I drove the 90 minutes to the class only to find that the location had been moved and I was not notified. I re-registered Rich & I for another expedited class 90 minutes away and we had our first class this week. In the meantime, the baby was born and the mother disappeared with her. They were missing for 11 days. DCFS, our Agency and many people were looking for them. They resurfaced after 11 days and revealed that the bio-mom had signed the baby over to the baby's grandfather. Baby's grandfather did not even raise his own children due to drug & alcohol abuse. As of this week, DCFS has released the baby to the care of the grandfather and dismissed the case. I still have many many questions and I am not 100% that the baby won't end up in DCFS custody sometime soon, but for the time being we have to move forward and ask ourselves, what now. Do we continue forward with foster care? Do we want temporary placements in our home? What is best for our family? What is best for our kids? Are we being "called" to do this? How many? What age? So many questions!

For now we are moving forward with our classes and hoping to complete those this month. Our licensing worker has been to the house once and she has two more visits scheduled this month. By the end of August I believe we will have everything completed. That gives us plenty of time to think and pray. Will you pray with us?

Miracles Waiting

Miracles Waiting is a program to match embryo donor families with adoptive families. You place a profile about your family and hope to be matched with a donor family. It is $150 to join and place a profile. We did this today. I submitted an application and paid the fee, and now we wait to be approved and have access to the donor profiles. I have no idea where this is going to go and if there are even donor families in this program that are looking for an adoptive family for their embryos.

On their website they list clinics in your state that participate in FET from known donors. Four of their listed clinics match my list of clinics from my insurance. I plan to make calls today to find out the clinic's protocol and find out if there is a wait for their FET program. I sent over a request to my RE this morning to fax me all of my file. That made me sad. I wish I could stick with my clinic!! I love my RE so much and I trust her and her staff to do the right thing with my health.

Great minds don't always think alike

Every morning Rich & I talk on my drive in to work. He travels with his job, so he is gone for two weeks and then home for the weekend. We use this time to touch base and catch up. Nights around here are pretty crazy, and so we don't always get a chance to chat in the evenings. So this morning, we were having our morning chat and discussing our adoption plans. Rich expressed a lot of the same thoughts that I had posted last night on the blog, but not all of the same thoughts. He is leaning toward embryo adoption. I feel like my heart is in Africa.
He had some valid points, some of the same points I addressed in my post last night. Embryo adoption would be so much easier. Less time, less money, easier on the child to adjust to a new life. And he feels that we are still doing God's work because we are choosing a child that may otherwise have been destroyed. We are honoring their parent's decision to choose life.

I have done research on the Snowflake program, and today I was looking into Miracles Waiting. I printed their list of participating clinics in Illinois and tonight I will compare that list to the list of covered providers in IL through my insurance. Tomorrow I will call the matching clinics and ask about protocol. I've been reading about the drugs & procedures. Trying to learn it all.

I sooooooooooo want to make a decision and start moving forward!! I do have to admit, the idea of not having to have a home study, fingerprinting, clearance from federal & state, immigration paper work, trips to a foreign country and a life of explaining myself has it's appeal.

At this point we will keep praying and hope that the Lord will move us in the right direction. The direction that will lead us to our child.
I wish that babies just came easy :)

Adoption

When you start looking into adoption, all of the options can be a bit overwhelming. Domestic or International? Child or Embryo Adoption? What clinic will accept adopted embryos? White, brown, black? China, Ghana, Russia, Thailand, Ethiopia? What agency? Adoption Advocates, Adoption Associates, Dove, All God's Children?? Homestudy agency. Local or far? What are the fees? What is the wait like? How many times will you have to travel? How long is the stay? Can we afford this? Can we afford not to??

There are so many decisions to make, and all the while you just want to MAKE A DECISION and get on with the process!!

Rich & I both have taken this decision very seriously and prayerfully. When I first mentioned it to Rich I told him to really start praying about it. Every time we would talk for like two weeks I would ask him if God had talked to him yet?? Did he have the answers yet??? Then, on November 8th, God started talking to me.

Now when I say this...know that I am not the kind that thinks I can "hear" God in an audible voice. There have been very few times in my life when I felt 100% certain that God was nudging me to do something, and for some reason it's usually when the offering plate goes around. I will start to wright the check out and then I will "hear" God "nudging" me. It usually goes something like this...

getting my checkbook out, start to write the check
"ummmm, excuse me but that isn't 10%"
well I know Lord, but this week we are a little short
"put an extra zero on there"
and extra zero!!?? are you kidding me??
"I'm God, I don't kid"
but Lord, I don't have that money this week!!
"am I not God? do I not meet all of your needs? do I not provide all you need?"

So when I feel that "voice" of God, I really try to listen. On November 8th, Rich & I had both been praying about adoption for about two weeks. I thought surely God would talk to Rich first because he is a WAY better christian than I am, and well...I haven't been all that prayerful or even church-going-full over the past year. So when I felt that feeling...that one like God was talking to me...I really got excited. For about 2 seconds, then I started questioning myself and wondering if it was really God or just me, talking to myself, in my own head. In the end, God & I had a good talk that night. I was 100% certain of the answers He gave me. I knew what our next step was.
and then came the morning.
and the doubt.

We had made the decision to adopt from Ethiopia. After reading about a million blogs, and researching Ethiopian adoption I started my research on placement agencies. I sent some e-mails, requested some information and selected an agency. I felt good. I felt progress! Then I would read a blog about another family and wonder if their agency was better. I would send an email and request information. I would compare prices, procedures, trainings, etc... and doubt myself again.

Then I started to grasp the concept a bit more and realized that I needed a SECOND agency. A homestudy agency. And I started the requesting, the researching, the phone calls and the doubting all over again. One particular homestudy agency here in IL gave me the information that Ethiopia may be issuing a moratorium. Ensue MAJOR doubt and fear!!

At this point I start to freak out.
Can you even believe that I am freaking out about all of this stuff AND WE HAVENT EVEN SUBMITTED AN APPLICATION???

So if we choose international adoption, and that country issues a moratorium, all of our money and time is invested and we are on hold. NOTHING we can do about it. If that country stays closed, we lose our money. I never thought of this because WE HAVENT EVEN SUBMITTED AN APPLICATION and I havent even seen a contract.

So I'm freaking out, and I start to look into other options. Now remember God and I already talked this out. He already told me what to do, and now I'm going with plan B. I really don't think that God has a plan B. But plan A is scaring the hell out of me, and I'm freaking out, so I'm looking into plan B.

So I start looking into Embryo Adoption through Snowflakes. I had stumbled upon this blog many months ago and have been following their journey. This concept entered my mind and I did some research. I have read quite a bit of information and made several calls. You still use a homestudy agency and go through the Snowflake program to adopt the embryos. How awesome would it be to be pregnant and get to nurse your adopted child!!!?? I called our clinic in Springfield (who I LOVE) and they shot me down before I even said "Hello". They DO NOT accept embryos into their clinic. I was shocked. The lady was quite rude about the whole thing. I was so surprised. I thought it would be an easy Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). Just using someone else's embryos. After MANY phone calls, I discovered that it is not simple at all. Many clinics don't accept frozen embryos into their clinic. The thought of having to find a new clinic makes me nauseous. I have been through sooooo much with infertility treatments. The though of having to start all of that over is not appealing. I found one clinic in Chicago that seemed to know a little bit about what I was explaining. I haven't had a lot of time to call all of the clinics on my insurance list. I'm trying to decided if this is something that we want to look into.

but honestly... I think my heart is already in Africa.

I know it will be harder. That is such an understatement!!! It will be harder in so many ways. It will be harder to justify to family and friends that say "why Africa??" "why don't you just adopt here in America?" It will be harder procedure wise. It will be harder to travel half way around the world. It will be harder to parent a child that did not grow inside me. It will be harder to raise a child that has a different color skin than the five of us do. It will be harder for that child to be accepted into our society. It will take twice as long. I know it will cost twice as much. Way more money than we have.

but I think that my heart is already in Africa...


Can I share with you that when you enter an adoption journey you need to be prepared to feel all kinds of crazy??? Is it just me? Are there people that enter this world cool, calm and collected and know just what to do? Do those same people ever doubt themselves? Do they ever feel overwhelmed? Confused? Scared?

I wish there was a way to KNOW what the right answer is!!! All I can do is keep praying and hope that God keeps moving me in the right direction. It would be so easy to just close the book midchapter and say "this is too hard". I have a wonderful life!! Three beautiful kids, a husband that is my best friend, a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, food in my fridge, a job that I love, friends that enrich my life, family to share Sunday dinner with. My life is good. And it's comfortable and it's easy. Why rock the boat?

but my heart has been broken for children in a country half the world away. And my heart aches for my daughter that I feel is there waiting for The Dixons to bring her home.

The Inside Scoop

I made a few more phone calls last night to a few more Home Study agencies. A few called me back today. One agency from Chicago gave me their program fees and told me a bit about their process. A process, I may add, that seems much more reasonable then the local agency. As I was talking to the director she asked me if I had heard the "recent news" coming out of Ethiopia. I had no idea if I had hear the most "recent news" as I all I have read is news news and more news about Ethiopia. She said there was a release yesterday about an investigation into 200 orphanages in Ethiopia and the agencies that work with them. 98% of the orphanages were out of compliance and according to this gal, the government is considering a moratorium in Ethiopia. I called our placement agency to see if there was any truth to this information and they had not heard anything of it. I then received a phone call from another Home Study agency (with wayyyyyyyyyy cheaper fees and reasonable process) and I asked them about it as well, and they too had not heard of it.

Later, Agency A called me about some questions I had and I asked her for further information on the moratorium. She said that tomorrow at 4pm they are having a conference call. She said there may be some changes coming, but there is no way to know until tomorrow. So we wait. I can wait till tomorrow. That's not a long wait. Just till tomorrow.

We are still waiting on 1040 forms (my fault, I am terrible at getting things to our accountant), requested forms from the insurance company stating that our adopted child can carry our insurance and a family photo. Hopefully all will go well with the conference call will go well and we can move forward with our paper submission next week!!

I've been blog stalking today to see if anyone else is in the know about the possible moratorium, and the blog world seems to be in the dark. I hope and pray and hope and pray that there is no validity in this. I scanned through other countries, and China is the only other country with an infant adoption program and their wait is 3+ years.

So we wait. :) We don't even have acceptance into the program and we are already waiting.

We have to submit a picture of the front of our house with our home study application, so tonight I leave you with this... the snow will be here before you know it!

The Home Study

So what is a Home Study? I am thinking that a home study is when a social worker comes over to the house and talks with us and the kids a few times, makes sure we have a clean house, food in the fridge and that we aren't crazy. Then she writes the report and we send it to the Agency. I'm thinking this takes, what, a month?? How long can it be?? I am thinking that I can get this paperwork done faster than any adoption in history. I am prepared to wait once we are ON THE LIST, but this side of the list... I can FLY though this paperwork. I can control this side of waiting, right?? I can get all of my paperwork filled out ASAP, get things notarized, postaged, faxed if possible, and push through to THE LIST. Right????

If you have been through this process you are laughing at me right now aren't you? So not funny.

I made a call last week to THE ONLY approved agency in my area. They never called back. So I called again today. I got a call back. This was the fabulous news they had for me... a homestudy is much more difficult than I knew. There are classes involved, group classes, individual classes, home visits, and approval from the state & federal government. We have to obtain a foster care license. We have to pass a marriage test. We have to have more classes about Hague accreditation. I need that class, cuz i have no idea what that even means.

The home study agency doesn't even have a class set up until February. That's in three months. They didn't care that I wanted the class to be tomorrow. They said it would take 6-8 weeks to process approval from both IL & Fed. That's a total of up to 4 months...just for approval from IL & Fed!!!! Not to mention the time that it will take to complete paperwork, take the classes, take the tests, have the social worker over at least twice and have her complete her assessment. She said to plan on at least 6 months. Ummmmmmmm, what?????? At least 6 months??? Are you crazy??? I was going to ROCK this side of waiting!!! I was going to OWN it!! And fly through it with my amazing direction and completion skills!! 6 months just for the home study. I have searched other blogs and I have never seen a home study take 6 months. Just my luck.

The Lord is obviously pulling rank early. He's obviously showing off and showing me who's boss.

There is also a application fee for the home study. I was prepared to pay the application fee for the agency ($300), but I had no idea we had to pay the home study agency an application fee too ($250). What if we aren't good enough? What if they don't approve us? Then we paid $550 in application fees and the additional $2800 home study fee???? It just doesn't make sense to me. I will be spending lots of time researching blogs tonight to see if this is normal.

Blogs

I think my eyes are bleeding. I'm sure if you have a blog about adoption, I've read it. I have read so many many blogs recently it's crazy!

In reading, I wonder if I will ever understand it all. I wonder if I will ever be able to keep all of this information straight. I also enjoy the different fund raising ideas. I struggle with asking people to help us pay for this adoption. No one has EVER helped us pay for anything. No one helped us pay for the birth of our other three children, so why would I ask now?? Well it is just a tad bit more expensive :). I am hoping to be able to come up with ideas so that I can give something, and in return that money will go to fund our adoption. I have three jobs that I do in my "spare time". Funds from Kreations by Kari and my Spa Business will go directly into our adoption fund. I am also a representative for Nature's Sunshine Vitamins & Herbs and any profit from that will also go into our adoption fund. I need to work on some direct links to my websites. I can be pretty crafty when I put my mind to it, so I want to have an etsy shop too. I have made some really cute tutus and I think I could sell those on etsy. I don't want to have a "benefit", but I do want to have a huge mega garage sale and I will take donated items for that. I was also thinking that I could have a vendor "Open House" and use the booth rental fee to go to the adoption fund as well. Many people have adoption T-Shirts. I love them, they are so cool, but who would buy a shirt from us? Do you buy a shirt only if you are adopting or do other people buy the shirt too. I think that is a great idea, but don't really understand how it works. I am hoping to make some "Cheer Mom" shirts for my daughter's cheer squad and using that money for adoption too. So I do have some ideas....but I guess it will be hard to start since we aren't really telling anyone about the adoption yet. :)

So what fundraising have you done? What worked for you? What was a waste of time?

I can finally say it!!

I went private for the time being so that I can finally say it!!!

We are adopting from Ethiopia!!!

Our daughter is there waiting for us. How weird is that?? How exciting is that?? How scary is that?? How sad is that??

We have talked to the kids at great length, we have prayed and prayed and prayed and we believe with all our hearts (all five of us) that this is God's plan. *exhale* I feel like I have been holding my breath for so long, waiting to see what is next. Waiting to feel complete, and here it is!!!!! It's soooooooooooooo exciting and all five of us are over the moon excited!!! Now to get the ball rolling!

We are submitting our application as soon as we have our tax papers and a family picture. I wanted to send it last week, but we dont have our 1040s from 2008 & 2009, so we are waiting on that. This is what is required for the initial application:

Basic Family information
Age Preference
Gender Preference
Arrest record
Counseling record
Mental status record
Proof of income (1040 tax form)
$300 non-refundable fee
Photocopy of marriage certificate
Family photo
Proof of insurance

From what I have read on other blogs we are looking at a wait of 16-20 months before our daughter is home!!! OMG can I possibly wait that long??? It will be approximately 12 months before we get a referral...an email that includes a picture and medical history of our child. Once we submit our application and get further information from the agency we will know more about our timeline!! I can't wait to get things moving!!!!!!

We won't be making any announcement until Christmas. I want to have more information from the agency so that I can better answer questions. I dread the questions. Normally, when you make that "We're pregnant!!" Christmas announcement, there are cheers and congrats. I anticipate many questions and that makes me sad. I just want everyone to be happy for us and as excited as we are. I want them to know that we didn't enter into this decision lightly, we researched. We prayed. We read. We prayed. We discussed it with eachother. We prayed. We discussed it with our kids. We prayed. We are not looking through rose colored glasses. We know that there will be bumps along the road. We know that there will be challenges and disappointments, but WE ARE SO EXCITED!! We are so excited to add to our family. This has been a want, a desire, a dream, for so long, and we finally have a light at the end of the tunnel!!



So just for today
...I want to look through my rose colored glasses and be excited. I don't want to think of the bumps and the challenges and the waiting...oh the waiting. Today I want to think of my daughter. And I will look through my rose colored glasses and wish that I could go get her tomorrow.
Seriously, God even assures me through Google Image that we are making the right decision. I google "Rose colored glasses image" and this is what I got. Looking through my glasses at the country of my girl.

Statistics

Interesting information shared here...
http://adoption.state.gov/news/total_chart.html#