A Challenge

I saw this on another blog and thought it was a great idea! I am throwing out a closet challenge. Who wants to join me!? Another fun thing to keep my mind occupied in this 2ww!! So here's how you play. E-mail me a pic of your closet by 02/01/08. I will post all of the pics and then we will have the weekend to complete the makover! Send me your finished project pics on Monday 02/04/08 and I will post them on the blog! I know I need some motivation and I think this will be fun! So don't be a party pooper!! Send me your pics! It could be your closet, your kid's closet, your bathroom closet, just one that needs improvement!

3dpiui

Nothing new to report. So far so good, I am feeling relaxed and taking it easy. The obsession has not started yet!! YAY! I start progesterone suppositories tomorrow.

I will be going to Florida with Rich next week. I am looking forward to relaxing on the beach!!! What a way to spend the last half of the 2ww!

Here is an amazing clip about fertilization. I like being able to visualize what is going on inside of my body.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/miracle/program.html

Here is some technical info about where I am in my cycle.
If a sperm penetrates the egg, fertilization results. Tiny hairlike cilia lining the fallopian tube propel the fertilized egg (zygote) through the tube toward the uterus. The cells of the zygote divide repeatedly as the zygote moves down the fallopian tube. The zygote enters the uterus in 3 to 5 days. In the uterus, the cells continue to divide, becoming a hollow ball of cells called a blastocyst. If fertilization does not occur, the egg degenerates and passes through the uterus with the next menstrual period.If more than one egg is released and fertilized, the pregnancy involves more than one fetus, usually two (twins). Such twins are fraternal. Identical twins result when one fertilized egg separates into two embryos after it has begun to divide.

Development of the Blastocyst: Between 5 and 8 days after fertilization, the blastocyst attaches to the lining of the uterus, usually near the top. This process, called implantation, is completed by day 9 or 10.The wall of the blastocyst is one cell thick except in one area, where it is three to four cells thick. The inner cells in the thickened area develop into the embryo, and the outer cells burrow into the wall of the uterus and develop into the placenta. The wall of the blastocyst becomes the outer layer of membranes (chorion) surrounding the embryo. An inner layer of membranes (amnion) develops by about day 10 to 12, forming the amniotic sac. The amniotic sac fills with a clear liquid (amniotic fluid) and expands to envelop the developing embryo, which floats within it.

IUI #3

Original Count:
Motility: first time 29% last month 45%, today 44%
Morphology: first time 54% last month 83%, today 62%
Count: first time 19.4 million last month 30 million, today 12.8 million

Final Count after processing:
Motility: first time 43% last month 65%, today 44%
Morphology: first time 65% last month 83%, today 66%
Count: first time 30.2 million last month 117.2 million, today 17.4 million

IUI was at 9am this morning. Rich's count was pretty low, but they say it only takes one. We had half the sperm, but twice the eggs. Usually we abstain from intercourse at least two days before the IUI, sometimes three days. Well this time we were not expecting to have the procedure done so soon, so we were together the day befor yesterday, not even a full 36 hours of rest before the sample was collected. I am really focusing on relaxing and not obsessing in this 2ww. We had friends over for dinner tonight and played games and had a great time. I think that I am going to go along with Rich on a business trip to Ft. Lauderdale, FL next week. 4 days of just relaxing in the sun. There will be NO TESTING done in this 2ww. Please be supportive of me in this and don't ask if I have tested or encourage me to test. The POAS (peeing on a stick) leads me into complete insanity and obsession, and I do not want to do that this time.

I am thankful to be done with the shots! I will have a progesterone level done in a week and maybe a beta in 13 days. I start progesterone supplements in a few days. She said it is just something that she tries. Well ok then! Stay tuned, I'll be sure to update, but there probably wont be much going on!!

Two eggs= twins??

We are ready to go!! Cd10 and those follicles are all ready to pop! We ended up with two mature follicles on the right side, both measured 21mm!! She said that my lining was “beautiful” and that I should be proud! Yay!! I got the trigger this morning, we go in at 7am for the collection and sperm wash and then have the IUI at 9am. I am so excited!!

My good friend Becky has been praying for twins for us for quite some time. I called her this morning to let her know that we were ready for the IUI and also to let her know that there were two mature follicles. She was very excited and sure that twins are on their way. I thanked her for praying for twins because that would be a blessing that would be beyond words for us. I told her that I would be thrilled with twins, but I didn’t dare even ask God for such a blessing, because I feel like I am asking so much by praying for just one more miracle. I hope and pray so much for one, I don’t want to push it and ask for two!

I will update tomorrow with the numbers from the IUI! Pray for us!

cd9

My baby is growing up so fast!!! Two teeth gone!!

Can you tell what we had for dinner tonight!?

Not to much to report. I have hit a wall with the shots. Tuesday night I just could not do it. It ws awful! I sat there for literally 75 minutes trying to do it and I just couldn't. I had to call poor nurse Charity at 9:30 at night to have her come over and do it. This shot does not hurt at all!!! It is just a total mental thing!! She did it again last night, and I am hoping that I can do it tonight to show Rich so that he can do it.

I felt a lot of bloating yesterday. It was quite painful and crampy. I called the RE, they said to take it easy. I felt fine today. A few O pains, but nothing terrible.

I go at 8am for my u/s tomorrow. I will be cd10 with 7 shots in. I am hoping that we will be able to tell when the IUI will be. I am thinking it will be earlier than usual. I will be sure to post when I get done!

cd7

Cycle day 7 for me. (Cherie had asked, I forgot to share) Estrogen level is 198. The nurse says that it is perfect! Things seem to be moving along pretty smoothly. Next u/s in Friday.

The shots are not getting easier. I thought they would. It still takes me forever to get the nerve up to do it!! Eeeek!

I am not charting this cycle. I am trying no to crunch the numbers to much. I did ask for the estrogen level today though, but I did not ask for the follie size. I also am not going to ask for the progesterone # when the time comes. I am trying to remove things that make me obsess. So far, so go!

Just a quick update

I had my u/s this morning. She measured 5 follies. Two large ones on the right and three on the left. She said everything looked perfect. The nurse drew the estrogen level and they said they would call me this afternoon to let me know if I need to adjust the dose any and also schedule my next u/s. All is well! I will post again tonight once I know when the next appt is.

Are there any of you lurking out there that have been through this? I am so new to this, I have no clue what this means. If they measured 5 today, is that the most we can expect or can new ones grow? I know that all 5 will most likely not mature and produce and egg, but what are the chances? I would love to hear from any of you that have been through this.

Prayer

My baby has lost his first tooth!! And today he lost his second!! I just cannot believe how quickly they grow up. One minute you are rocking him in the nursery during a middle of the night feeding, the next he has lost a tooth. Times passes by so quickly!

I did my second shot tonight. It took just as long as the first! I need to get past the mental aspect of it all. I was thinking this morning how crazy it is that I actually gave myself a shot. I mean, aren't you supposed to go to school for that?! Have a license or something! I am not nurse material!!

Rich was sharing some of his bible study with me last week, and there were several things that he said that I wanted to share on this blog. The teaching come from "The Message of the Sermon on the Mount" by John R.W. Stott.

"Ask, and it will be given you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him?"

First, his promises are attached to direct commands: Ask...seek...knock... These may deliberately be in an ascending scale of urgency. Richard Glover suggests that a child, if his mother is near and visible, asks; if she is neither, he seeks; while if she is inaccessible in her room, he knocks. Be that as it may, all three verbs are present imperatives and indicate that persistence with which we should make our requests known to God. Secondly, the promises are expressed in universal statements: for every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened.

Prayer sounds very simple when Jesus teaches about it (in the Sermon on the Mount speech). Just ask...seek...knock...and in each case you will be answered. This is a deceptive simplicity, however; much lies behind it. First, prayer presupposes knowledge. Since God gives gifts only if they accord with his will, we have to take pains to discover his will- by Scripture meditation and by the exercise of a Christian mind schooled by Scripture meditation. Secondly, prayer presupposes faith. It is one thing to know God's will; it is another to humble ourselves before him and express our confidence that he is able to cause his will to be done. Thirdly, prayer presupposes desire. We may know God's will and believe he can perform it, and still not desire it. Prayer is the chief means God has ordained by which to express our deepest desires. This is the reason why the 'ask-seek-knock' commands are in the present imperative and in an ascending scale to challenge out perseverance. Thus, before we ask, we must know what to ask for and whether it accords with God's will; we must believe God can grant it; and we must genuinely want to receive. Then the gracious promises of Jesus will come true.

Rich and I had a good conversation about this portion of the book. I told him that I believe all of this, and I pray this way, but my hang up is that I don't feel that I know what God's will is in this situation. Well as I re-type this tonight, several verses in the bible stick out in my mind.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.~ Jeremiah 29:11

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.~ Psalm 20:4

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.~ Psalm 37:4

12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.~ 1 Peter 4:12-13

I have always envisioned His glory being revealed in a child for us. That has always been my hope and my prayer. The portion of the bible lesson above tells us to seek God's will in the words of our only line of communication with Him, the Bible. My Bible tells me that God loves me and that I am his child. My Bible tells me that he wants to give me the desires of my heart. I am going to believe that this is God's will for me and my family. I believe that God wants me to have this child. I believe that He would not burden my heart so strongly, only to have it ultimately broken. If I believe this 100%, I put myself at a large risk of being let down. Perhaps that is what has held me back. Thus, before we ask, we must know what to ask for and whether it accords with God's will; we must believe God can grant it; and we must genuinely want to receive.

My Heavenly Gracious Father,

I ask you tonight to bless my family with a child. I ask you to place that child in my womb this month, created through the deep love that Rich and I share. Not created through science or medicine, but created by you and only you, the giver and taker of life. I ask for a brother or sister that Kaitlyn can love and be an example to. I ask for a brother or sister that Khloe will help nurture and cuddle. I ask for a brother or sister that Drew will be able to be a big brother to. I ask for a child that Rich and I can drink up like a tall glass of water after a long days work. A child that we can hold together and marvel at your wonderful creation. A child that I can look at at see yet another combination of myself and my wonderful husband. A child that I can smell and nurse and treasure each and every moment with. I ask for a health pregnancy. I ask for excited moments when my children get to feel Mommy's belly as their sibling kicks. I ask for ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. I ask for a miracle Father, just one more miracle. I know that this is in accordance with your will. Your Word tells me. I believe that You are the ONLY one that can make this happen Lord. I know that you are the orchestrator of my life. We are ready to receive your blessing Lord. We have waited and waited, and we are ready. Please send us the miracle that we have been waiting for Father. It is in Jesus' precious name that I ask these things~ Amen

I DID IT!!

The needle, it is very small.
The kit. This is the pen that I attach the needles to.

The cartridge of medication is inside of the pen.

My tummy. If you look very close (you may have to click it to enlarge it),you can see the bruise and poke mark from yesterday on the left of my belly button just below it.

I gave myself my first shot tonight!! Oh my goodness! Everyone took off on me, Charity went to Chicago to celebrate her boyfriend's birthday, Rich went back to work and my mom is out of town! The shot doesn't hurt at all, it's just a mental thing that you have to get past. There just seems to be something wrong with stabbing a needle in your own skin! I know I sat there a full five minutes trying to get the nerve up. I called my friend Dixie who is a phlebotomist for a bit of last minute advice. "Do I go slow or just jab it in?" "Just jab it in!" "Jab it in quick?" "Yes! You'll be fine!" So I jabbed, it didn't hurt a bit, just a little burning when the med goes in. I had quite the audience! The kids are so impressed! I am worried that they are going to go to school and tell their teacher that mom uses a needle to giver herself drugs! Another $75 bucks in!

First Injection!!

I had my first shot tonight! My good friend Nurse Charity(minus the walker!) helped! I loaded it all up and got it ready, she poked me and pushed the button. The needle didn't hurt at all, the meds going in stung a bit. Not to bad! So 75 units in! I was thinking today that each unit is almost $1.00! So my injection tonight was about $75.00!!

And Life Goes On

My Richard, my biggest supporter, my rock,

on the day of our Recomittment Ceremony in August

Yes, life goes on. I had my well deserved cry, and picked myself up (with a little help) and life goes on. I thank God that Rich was home. He has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He has a way of comforting me in such an unconditional, unaccusatory, unjudgmental way. Rich’s main reason for not wanting to continue on with TTC is that it is so hard for him to watch me hurt so much. He hates seeing me become consumed with all that is TTC each month. So when the bad news comes each month, I try to be strong in front of him because I don’t want him to see how hurt I am. I don’t want him to say “I told you not to get your hopes up, I told you not to get so involved”. So I try and hold back, but when he hears the negative results, he comes to me in such a comforting, accepting way, and I know that he will hold me until I’m ready to let go. I can cry my heart out, and then he knows just when to pick me up and put me back on my feet so that we can move on. Without him, I would stay in that place and continue my pitty party and focus on the sadness, but he has a way of urging me on and before I know it… life has moved on.

We were faced with a decision after this last cycle. What is the next step? Are we done? Do we throw our hands up in defeat? Is this our NO from God? Do we take a few months off to regroup and relax? If we do that then the age difference between the children just grows. Do we go right into an injectable cycle? What next?

Well, I had prayed and prayed and asked God and asked Christian friends and analyzed and thought about it this way and thought about it that way… and I just could not make a decision. As I laid in my bed crying over our negative beta result on Tuesday, I knew that I just could not make this decision. All of the options were just like mush in my head, and nothing made sense. I looked at my Richard and said this “you are a Godly man, I know that you trust the Lord and I know that you seek him and you listen. I cannot make the decision on where to go from here. I cannot find an answer, so you are going to have to decide what is next.” And I would have followed him to the end of the Earth if that is what he said was next, I would have thrown in the towel and never tried to have another child if that is what he said. I was following, because I just didn’t know where to go. Hallelujah! Praise God that my husband loves me the way that he does. I’m not sure many men would put up with me!

Our next step is injectable medication. We have done 8 cycles of Clomid, 6 with timed intercourse and 2 with IUI. The two that we did with IUI I only developed one mature follicle. I have had as many as 4 mature follicles, but still no pregnancy. My RE suggested moving on to the injectable medication. She thinks that my ovaries will respond better to Follistim. I received the medication in the mail yesterday. I will start the injections tonight. I had my baseline scan today at the RE’s office. I went in at 8am for an ultra sound to check out their size and how many follicles there were. Today is cd3, the ovaries looked beautiful (the doctor actually smiled at the screen! He smiled at my ovaries!) the lining on the uterus looked fine. Each ovary had three small follicles. He said that was good. The nurse then drew an estrogen level and the RE said to start 75units of Follistim tonight and then I will go back on Tuesday for another scan and estrogen level.

I talked to my boss on Thursday and explained that I had some morning appointments over the next few weeks that I needed to make. I asked if it was ok for me to start my day later and then stay later and she said that was ok. I was glad that was not a problem. I am blessed to work for a pretty flexible company.

Rich said that we will do three cycles of the Follistim and if we are not pregnant by April we will be done. If it works, we will have a baby by the end of the year, if it doesn’t work, at least we have time to prepare ourselves for the closure in April.

God speaks to us in mysterious ways. Last night he used Greg Pratt from ER to speak to me. Dr. Pratt said something while counseling a patient that shot straight to my heart. The patient had said how he didn't understand why. Why!? He couldn't make sense of it all. And Dr. Pratt looks at him and says "it doesn't have to make sense, that is why it is called FAITH." It doesn't have to make sense, that is why it is called faith.

I thank you so much for all of your prayers and your support. It really is great to know that we have people around us praying and encouraging us. Please continue to pray that I hold on to the peace that God has given me and not to let myself get wrapped up in obsession. Pray that I continue to have faith that God is in control and He loves me and He will only do what is best for me and my family.

Devastated

I could not take the insanity anymore, so I caved and went in for a beta today. We received the devastating news that we hoped we wouldn't. Negative.

Where we go from here is still up for grabs. I will update when we decide. Please keep praying for me, my heart is aching.

He never lets go

I thought I should post an update today. Surprisingly, I have quite a few people that follow this blog. Please feel free to comment, I would love to know who you are and where you are from! I wanted to let you all know that I have peed on everything in my possession this weekend, and I have no HPTs left. I am being stubborn and refusing to buy any more. My temp is still down and I am crampy, so AF is surely on her way. If she does not show up by Wed or Thurs I will go in for the beta. I feel a bit better today, I have felt the Lord’s comfort and peace surrounding me.

Going into church on Sunday I did not want to sing. Some of know, some of you don’t, that I am on my church’s Worship Team and help lead singing on Sunday mornings. I felt super emotional, I knew it was going to be tough getting up there and putting on a happy face. I was feeling so upset and sorry for myself, and I knew that one of the songs that we were singing was going to be especially difficult for me to make it through. As the service began, our Pastor started out with the morning this-and-that and then he said something along these lines… “We will worship the Lord this morning through our music and through the lesson, we will worship Him because He is worthy and He deserves to be worshiped, and in turn He will bless us.” Those words went into my ears and soaked into my hurting heart and I was reminded. I was reminded that God has called me to honor Him with my voice and Sunday morning was not about me and how crummy I was feeling, and what a pity is that my HPT was negative again this morning. Sunday morning was about serving the Lord, and being obedient to honor Him with the voice that He has given me. So I sang.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FWj7yqf6oM&feature=related

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Chorus:Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go Lord, You never let go of me

I don’t like being emotional when I sing, I don’t like to let the tears fall down my cheeks, because everyone is watching. Only a few escaped on Sunday, and I’m sure that only those that know me best noticed. The Lord got me through the song, and He knew that I needed to be reminded…

As the day went on, I felt his blessing. Anytime I hear that the Lord is going to bless me, inevitably I think that means a baby. Sunday, He blessed me with enough peace to get me through Sunday. Monday, He has given me enough peace to get me through Monday.

Praise God that He never lets go of me, because without his comfort and strength, I can't imagine where I would be. Thank you to all of you that have been praying for me. I truly appreciate it.

Feelin' low

Not sure what is going on. Temp below the cover line usually means AF is on the way, I am thoroughly confused. AF shouldn't be here for another four days. Tested again this morning and it was a definite BFN.


PS, I'm still a mess.

10:20pm and this is what I'm doing!

Just to complicate things further... I looked at the tests before getting in the shower, and lo and behold day three is darker. I had to cover the #s because the camera focuses on the #s and not the lines if I don't. So the order is 1st day (9dpiui) at top, 2nd (10dpiui) in middle, and 6 hours later. I have explained to my beating heart that all tests dry differently and that this evap is probably just drying darker than the others. No need to panic! What do you see?

Sharing the insanity

Sharing the insanity... I think the line is getting lighter... I can't believe that I'm not pregnant...*sigh* Remember, the line that is showing up is 99.9% sure to be left over trigger. If I were pregnant, the line would be getting darker. You can click on the picture to make it larger.

I am...

Confused...frustrated...hopeful...dissapointed...sad...ashamed...scared... embarassed...pregnant...not pregnant...

I am not doing well today. Totally freaking out. "What if I am, what if I'm not." A thousand million times through my mind! There is no way that I can make it to Wednesday. I have tested, but with the trigger still in my system I can't rely on the test. I am feeling nothing new, but that darn Progesterone # has got me feeling hopeful and when you have failed so many times it sucks to be hopeful because in the back of your mind you know that you are not pregnant and you are setting yourself up for another major fall. Oh I was doing so good with not obsessing, today I am a mess.

8dpiui

Nothing new to report. 8dpiui and hanging in there.

The aniety is increasing, I am so ready to know what the outcome of this cycle is.

I can't believe I have to wait 6 more days to test!! I'm trying to hold off on the hpts... we'll see!

Greater than 60

I got my progesterone results back this morning. The conversation went like this…
Nurse: “Hi Kari, we have your progesterone results and your number was greater than sixty.”
Me: “Did you say sixty?”
Nurse: “Yes, greater than sixty. So everything looks really good. We will see you next week for a pregnancy test.”
Me: “Do you think that means that I dropped two eggs?”
Nurse: “No, that doesn’t usually effect the progesterone numbers. High progesterone does not always mean a pregnancy.”
Me: “Yes, I know that.”

Last month is was 23. That is normal for me. I did have a 53 once, and obviously I was not pregnant. I know that it does not mean that I am pregnant this time, but just can’t help but get my hopes up a bit. I will probably have a beta Wed or Thurs next week. I am still clam, and not freaking out, I still have that peaceful attitude. I still have that 'I am not obsessing' attitude. I slipped into the Google world for just a minute, but I have pulled myself out, and moving forward.

So I-am-not-freaking-out…

RE appt update

http://mylostandfoundoflife.blogspot.com/2007/10/fine-until-you-hit-vein.html
I borrowed this picture from a fellow blogger's blog. This is a Follistim Pen. This is the medication that the RE is proposing. If you click the link, you can read "My Lost and Found of Life" entry about it.

I met with the RE today. Paid $150+ to talk about where we have been and what her recommendation is for where to go from here. She thinks that at this point we could benefit from the injectable medication. Here is more info on Follistim. http://www.follistim.com/Consumer/FollistimPen/index.asp

I asked her if it would be ok to take some time off from all of the medication and appointments and she said that would be fine. I asked her if she would consider letting my OB/GYN do the monitoring and she said that we can see if that would work. I contacted my OBGYN and she agreed to do the u/s for monitoring, but her u/s are $500+ and RE charges $160. *sigh* The OBGYN also cannot turn around the bloodwork in the amount of time that the RE needs it, so I would have to go to OSF Hospital in Peoria for the bloodwork. At this rate, I may as well just make the 1 1/2 hour trip to the RE's office. So now, we need to figure out what we want to do. What I want to happen is that I am pregnant as I write this so I don't have to worry about any of this!

My RE was so understanding about the point that we are at, and she said that no matter what we decide she wants us to be sure that we are comfortable with the decision. We did go over today that IVF was not an option and she did not push at all. I just love her so much!!

Blame Hope

I have a very dear friend that God has hand delivered to me, her name is Hope. No really, her name is Hope! I met her on my infertility board and she has come to mean a lot to me. Tonight we were talking on the computer. She asked me how I was holding up in the 2ww, and I shared how I am trying very hard not to obsess and overanayze everything. Then I shared a secret... I did happen to notice that my temp has gone up higher this month than it ever has. So that must mean that I am indeed pregnant! I then proceeded to pick through 23 months of charts and see if there were any charts that I have had in the past that looked like this one. Begin... obsession! So we were laughing and I told her that it was all her fault because I have been doing so well at not obsessing and then I said I would just "blame hope". As soon as I saw it pop up on the screen I thought how ironic it was. Blame hope. Isn't that what it is to blame each month when I start to look into every single twinge, burp, heartburn, tiredness, cramp...hope. The hope that this is the month for us. The hope that in two weeks we will have our miracle...

Romans 5
Peace and Joy 1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

1 Corinthians 13
Love 1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

2 Corinthians 1:7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

So when I obsess, and ponder and research and pee on sticks incessantly and pull them out of the garbage for just one more look, and analyze and pray and pray and pray... blame hope.

Technical Information

Fertility Drugs: Injectable Gonadotropins

What are injectable gonadotropins?Injectable gonadotropins are medical preparations of naturally occurring hormones that the brain produces to stimulate the ovaries to produce hormones and to prepare eggs for release. The two hormones are follicle stimulating hormone, or FSH, and lutenizing hormone, or LH.

What do these two hormones do?Human eggs wait in the ovary in a partially mature state. Early in each menstrual cycle, the brain sends FSH to the ovary, which in turn selects a group of eggs to begin the maturation process. The FSH stimulates the maturation of the eggs, and stimulates the release of increasing amounts of estrogen. LH is released along with the FSH, and stimualtesthe ovary to release additional hormones that also play a role in egg development. Typically, only one of the recruited eggs becomes fully mature. When this single, dominant egg is ready for release, a great, one-time release of LH, known as the LH surge, tells the overy to release the mature egg.When we use HMG (Human Menopausal Gonadotropin) or FSH as a medication, we bypass the body's normal process of egg development and release. In this way, we can induce ovulation in women who do not ovulate on their own, produce more than one mature egg each cycle and fix faulty egg developing systems. These medications are either used by themselves, in conjuction with intrauterine insemination procedures, or for in vitro fertilization.

What are Pergonal, Humegon, Fertinex and Repronex?Pergonal, Repronex, Humegon, Fertinex are commercial names for the naturally derived HMG and FSH preparations available in the United States. They are all manufactured by purifying the secreted hormones from human urine. Pergonal is 50% LH and 50% FSH. It is given by injection only, using a 1½ inch needle injected deep into the muscle, usually in the backside. Humergon is virtually identical to Pergonal, but is manufactured by a different company. Repronex can be injected subcutaneously with a smaller needle (approximately ¼"). Fertinex is newer form of FSH. Its advantage is a better purification process, making it also injectable using a smaller needle.What are Gonal-F and Follistim?These are recombinant forms of purified FSH, manufactured by a biosynthetic method. Due to increased purity, both products can be given subutaneously with a small needle similar to Fertinex and Repronex.

Is one preparation superior to another?In theory, FSH is more important than LH in the development of mature eggs. However, purified FSH and HMG seem to work equally well in terms of pregnancy rates. Some centers use a combination of the two preparations in patients' cycles. The E2 may rise more slowly or to a lower peak level in the very beginning of the cycle with the recombinants. This does not appear to affect the outcome.

How is HMG given?HMG is given by intramuscular (IM) injection either once or twice daily. Repronex, Fertinex and the recombinants require a smaller needle injected just below the skin surface.How is the cycle monitored?Cycles typically start on the third day of the menstrual cycle, although day four or five starts are not uncommon. The development of the eggs is monitored by blood test for estradiol and transvaginal ultrasound examinations for follicle size and endometrial thickness.

Please define estradiol, progesterone, follicle size and endomentrial thickness.Estradiol is the most important hormone in the estrogen family of sex steroid hormones. It does many things to prepare the reproductive system for pregnancy. It rises in a predictable way in a natural cycle, and provides important information about egg development in a gonadotropin cycle. Progesterone provides support for the second half of the menstrual cycle, after ovulation, supportin and stabilizing the uterine lining.Prior to ovulation, progesterone slowly rises, providing information that the more mature eggs are approaching readiness for release.Follicle size refers to the appearance of the egg- containing areas of the ovaries in the days leading up to ovulation. The eggs themselves are too small to see on an ultrasound, but the small, fluid-filled follicles that contain the eggs are easy to see and measure. Typically, follicles start at less than 10 millimeters and increase to at least 18 millimeters just prior to the LH surge. In addition, the appearance of the lining amy change from a homogeneous white line to a characteristic three-lined (also known as a Type 1 or trilaminar appearance) prior to ovulation. The subsequent release of progesterone further changes the appearance of the lining.

Does the Lh trigger come naturally during gonadotropin cycles?Since the normal communication between the brain and the ovary is affected by the use of HMG or FSH, we trigger the LH surge ourselves. Since pure LH is difficult to prepare and rapidly loses its effectiveness after injection, we use human chorionic gonadotropin, a naturally occurring hormone that looks and acts very much like LH in this situation. Other names for human chorionic gonadotropin are HCG (generic name), Profasi, Pregnyl, Novarel and Ovidrel (commercial names).

What are the risks of injectable gonadotropins?The principal risks are multiple pregnancy and ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.Gonadotropins constitute the family of medications most associated with multiple pregnancy. News reports of high-order multiple pregnancy - quadruplets, quintuplets or even higher - are almost always related to the use of injectable gonadotropins. Since gonadotropins bypass the body's usual mechanism for limiting the number of mature eggs available in any given cycle, the possiblility of multiple pregnancy is always a foremost consideration in managing a gonadotropin cycle.Ovarian hyprestimulation syndrome (OHSS) refers to a combination of symptoms created after ovulation by the very stimulated ovaries. The principal problem is a release of large amounts of fluid by the ovaries coupled with a leaking of fluid from the blood vessels into the abdomen. Symptoms include bloating, decreased output of urine, nausea and vomiting. Serious cases can include fluid around the lungs and imbalances in electrolytes (principally sodium and potassium). The most serious cases can require intensive care and be life-threatening.

Are these risks preventable?They can be minimized, but not completely prevented. Thankfully, a small number of eggs will fertilize and develop in any gonadtropin cycle, usually one or two. The risk of a higher level multile can be decreased by adjusting the medication dose to provide fewer eggs, withholding the HCG and abstaining from intercourse to prevent pregnancy completely in a cycle with too many mature eggs, or performing an in vitro fertilization procedure, removing the eggs and limiting the number of resulting embryos returned. As a last resort, high level multiple pregnancies can be reduced after the pregnancy has been established.

Do these medications increase the risk of ovarian cancer?The honest answer is we do not know yet. Because these medications bypass the body's normal mechanism for controlling egg development, one can theorize that they may stimulate abnormal as well as normal development. No study has definitely implicated injectable gonadotropins in higher rates of ovarian cancer, but research has not disproved a potential link either. For this reason we try to limit HMG use to a reasonable number of cycles.

Is there an increase in birth defects or pregnancy complications?None other than those associated with the higher multiple pregnancy rate.

edited by:David Sable, M.D.The Institute for Reproductive Medecine and Science of Saint Barnbas Medical Center Livingston, NJOwen Davis, M.D.The Center for Reproductive Medecine and InfertilityThe Cornell Institute for Reproductive Medecine New York, NY

To Inject or Not to Inject

So I called and talked to the nurse at my RE's office. I explained the place that we were in emotionally. We have done 8 cycles of Clomid with no result. She said that it is definitely time to move on to injectable medication. She said that at this point I had 4 options. #1 was to just walk away and enjoy the three kids that I have, #2 was to adopt, #3 was to try injectables and #4 was IVF. I told her that we had talked about adoption and it just wasn't the choice for us and that we would not do IVF. So she told me more about the injectables. She said that they do not have the s/e that the Clomid does. Their main s/e is hyper stimulation of the ovaries, resulting in a canceled cycle. She said that there is a lot more monitoring with injectables. You go in for a baseline scan and an estrogen level on cd2 and then you start the medication that day. You have to come in 3 days later for another scan and blood draw and then sometimes daily after that to monitor your follicles and your estrogen levels. Your appointment has to be before 1pm because of the estrogen levels, and so I would have to tell my work what was going on. I asked her if it would be worth it to do just one cycle of the injectables or if it was something that had to build up to work. She said that it definitely would be worth it and she would strongly suggest it because she thinks that if it didn't work that I would have better "closure" knowing that we did all that we could. So I hung up and called Rich to get his feedback. He said that it sounded like a bunch of trips to the RE and he thought we were done and what if we do it and then we have to cancel the cycle because of over stimulation. Then what? So now I'm confused. It would really be a huge undertaking. The RE's office is about an hour away and it is such a long trip. If I tell my bosses at work, I could risk losing my job. I just don't know what to do.

I talked with Rich about it again today and he said that he would do whatever I want to do. A friend suggested that I ask my RE if I can have the monitoring appointments done at my OB/GYN's office since it is right down the street from where I work. That would be so much easier! I don't think the my RE will go for that though. I have an appointment on Tuesday for a progesterone draw and injection teaching, I will ask then. They wanted me to come in for the teaching appointment even though we haven't decided what we are going to do. That way, if we decide to go through with it I will be ready. At this point, right at this very minute (this changes so frequently!!) I feel that we need to take some time off. I feel that we need to walk away for a while and re-group, and then if I still feel so strongly about this in 2 or three months, then maybe we will try injectable medication. This will also depend on Rich's schedule though. If he is going to be far away in a few months, we may need to make a decision earlier. I will include some information about injectable medications in the next post.

Crossroads

I stated in a previous entry that we were at a crossroads. The next day, this was my devotional reading that is automatically e-mailed to me each morning...

"Crossroads"
Susanne ScheppmannProverbs 31 Speaker Team Member, Co-online Devotional EditorKey

Verse:Jeremiah 6:16, "This is what the Lord says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls…" (NIV)Devotion:"I don't remember the bushes on the side of the road looking so green," I thought to myself. The next thing I knew, I was driving over a bridge high above a large river clearly identified on the sign as the Colorado River. Not long after, a large yellow sign welcomed me to California. I was supposed to be entering Nevada! Somewhere, at a crossroads, I made the wrong turn and didn't realize my mistake for over an hour.

Sheepishly I called my husband to tell him my news:
"Hi, it's me"
"Hi, Honey. Are you almost home?"
"Not exactly, I'm in California."
"What? Are you lost? Didn't you read the map?"
"No, I didn't look at the map. I thought I knew the right direction, but I must have made a wrong turn at the crossroads in Arizona. I am turning around.
" My "detour" added an additional two hours to my long drive home. If only I had read my map or asked for directions, I wouldn't have found myself in California. I wouldn't have lost valuable time and energy.Often, I make the same mistake in my spiritual life. Big decisions loom ahead. I think I know the right course. So off I go without taking time to pray or read my Bible, and my choices go awry. Once I have strayed too far down the wrong path,I usually realize: "Oops, I should have sought God's advice." God promises that when we stand at a crossroads He will guide us. We need to stop and listen with our spiritual ears for the correct course to take.

Proverbs 3:6 advises us to acknowledge Him in all our ways and He will make our paths straight. I prefer my path straight over crooked, don't you? So the next time life presents a quandary, let's stop at the crossroads of our decision. Let's ask Him which is the better way. Let's reach for our Bible and let God's Word become our roadmap. "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path," Psalms 119:105 (NIV). God's Word promises to show us the right way to proceed in life.
Power Verses:Isaiah 58:8, "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard." (NIV)
Isaiah 30:21, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." (NIV)
Proverbs 3:6, "…in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (NIV)
Isaiah 35:8, "And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness. The unclean will not journey on it; it will be for those who walk in that Way; wicked fools will not go about on it." (NIV)
John 10:9, "I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture." (NIV)

I received a note from a friend that day asking about our crossroad. I explained to her that I feel that is where we are right now on our TTC journey. We have been traveling down this road for so long, just going forward. I think it is time to turn left or right. So with this month’s IUI results we will turn. Left takes me back to the gym and back to college to peruse some sort of career, right takes me to the place that I have been wanting to be as long as I can remember… staying at home and raising a family. How appropriate that left has me leaving a dream behind and right just feels right. I just can’t keep doing the same month after month. The drugs are really getting to me, I just can’t handle it anymore. Not to mention the emotional rollercoaster that I am on each month. Building up two weeks for the big O and then building up two weeks to test… it’s just all become to much for me to handle emotionally and physically. The shots, the drugs, the 1 ½ hour drive to the appointments 2 or 3 times a month, the temping, the charting, the testing… it has all finally beat me after 5 long years. I feel it is time for a change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results… well I am tired of being insane. I don’t feel that “peace” that I expected to feel with this decision, I will keep searching and praying for it, but I know that something has got to change.

Her response has got me thinking... here is a portion of what she had to say:
"It's not about giving up. It's more like trying a different approach. Maybe you should go "back to the gym and back to school" Not because you can't or choose not to have more babies. But just because it's what you need to do now. You know as well as I do that people have children older and older. You're not old! So don't roll over and say you are.

Try something new, perhaps it will bring you the answers you're looking for in the most round about way you ever imagined.And don't forget... going forward doesn't mean you can't go backwards. That story from the devotion about the lady who had to turn around. It should be noted that had she not taken that "wrong turn" she wouldn't have seen the sites she'd seen, nor would she have learned that there was a road that she was "meant" to be on. Sure it cost time and energy, but it made getting home to her final destination that much sweeter.Being where I've been, I'd go for the Gonal-F... just one round. And at the same time i would plan to take a course or go to the gym or whatever.For now you're going to go from a 2 lane road to a 4 lane road so you can enjoy a little more along the way.When you exit, the exit will be more of a crescent with the option to get back on further down the road. Who knows, maybe when the time comes to get back one the road, you'll find out that you were on the right one all along.

Good luck my friend. I feel that you are carrying a great weight right now. I hope that you're able to alleviate some of the pressure soon."

So I called my RE's office to fill them in on where we are at and what I have been feeling. That takes us to the next entry.

A blog that touched me

I was chatting with a friend last night and she referred me to a list of TTC blogs. I started to brows through one and there were so many things that this Christian woman had written that touched me. I wanted to share some...

She writes"but each Christ follower (if you'd consider me that all along) has the day when they experience the depth and agony found during a crisis of faith. a crossroads. a decision.will i hinge my devotion...on winning my way?can i say thank you...while losing everything?will i believe what i cannot feel?will i surrender...even though, only a fool would go on fighting a war...when all of his weapons have been stripped of him.it took 46 months for me to realize, surrender isn't really a choice.take away my swords and shields and strength......and my options are pretty limited.i had met my match.to say i had lost control puts it too simply. it sounds so elementary.but control is all i've ever had.and so my loss is infinite. bottomless. consuming.almost as deep as my loss of fertility."

46 weeks of:
pills
shots
ultrasounds
blood drawings
sonograms
conference calls
dietary adjustments
suppliments
timed interourse
ovulation predictor kits
pregnancy tests
ovulation watches
ovulation monitors
saliva strips
holistic practitioners
artificial insemination
....only to end up exactly...where i would be...had i never lifted a finger....yes.2007 was tumultuous. exhausting. and all vanity.seeking to force the very thing that was never meant to be."

"and you can in a miraculous way, when you cannot even find the words to even express it, know when looking back across the plain of 2007, embrace that my life this year was no Plan B to God enthroned over all things.this was His perfect will for my life -- these were His plans for me to prosper.this was His divine way for caring for me.this was His best interest for me.the last 6 weeks have been an evolution of sorts...though surrender is humanly devastating...and crushing to the point of choosing death over it...we are all given perseverance in Christ Jesus."

"i pulled out my journal this morning and at the top, as i do every morning, wrote the date.December 31, 2007day #365 of 365.praise the LORD, i exhaled.but the devotional led me to I Peter 5:10 --And the God of all grace,who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,after you have suffered a little while,will himself restore youand make you strong,firm andsteadfast.....
though we suffer....
He is all grace.
He is all glory.....
in a sense....how can this not be acknowledged as the best year of my life...."

"we had the most heartfelt three hour lunch i think i've ever had.the four of us...perfect strangers...reaching out to each other in an effort to help.she had undergone an IUI the very day before on Saturday, yet, she ended up ministering to me in ways she'll probably never understand. i was so amped on talking her through the ropes...giving her advice...pumping her up with stats...high-fiving her on giving herself shots...telling her all the ways she could better evaluate her physical condition.......and it became painfully evident to me -- she simply didnt need it........her heart was as still, and crystal-clear as a placid lake at sunrise. she had it.she not only had it....she owned it. His peace.she had allowed herself to be captured by His everlasting peace......and i was captivated by her...or God in her...this freak thing that was going on with her...she was a boisterous, energetic, fun, outgoing, adorable 29-year old girl....yet in the weirdest way i've ever seen...perfectly quiet at the same time. her brain....was quiet. her heart....was still. her soul....was...at....rest.......and my heart ached instantly for all of it...there was so much about her attitude, her outlook, her council, her everything...that dripped of Christ. her husband is in the military so, essentially, ALL of her fertility treatments are free. she was on her 4th round of clomid (first three rounds she was unresponsive) and had done her trigger shot for the first time this past week. it was her first IUI. the military will only allow you to do 6 rounds of clomid. PERIOD. if she's not pregnant in 6 rounds....they automatically force you into IVF territory. and after extensive counsel from our pastoral staff and Christian counseling force at church -- they've already decided to forgo IVF. so basically she was looking down the barrel of a gun....with two months left of Clomid after this IUI.....and she's done. she kisses her human child-bearing capabilities goodbye. she's been trying for 1.5 years. and is about to see it through and have closure in 2mths if this doesn't work.....and the waters of her heart...are so perfectly calm."

"and i have no doubt she meant every word. and it was beyond astonishing to me. at first i wondered if she was crazy.for a women to be able to even utter these words in the depth of what has to be some of hardest moments of your life....being unable to BEAR CHILDREN....is only of God. his astonishing mercy poured out on her.....it left me speechless.and breathless.and awe-struck.she continued, "we've already signed up with an adoption agency and are probably looking at a 2-year waiting list...and we've just purchased a 5-bedroom house that we'd love to have children in...but if the IUIs don't work....i'll probably go back to work and make good use of my 2-year wait for a baby to be placed with us....

"not even a pinch of resentment. bitterness. eye-rolling. second-guessing. apprehension. discouragement. or disbelief.
....and i was fully dumb-founded. so deeply grateful for her witness....yet feeling so vile for the emotional freakshow i've put on over the last 9mths. my endless kicking and screaming and STRAIN and discontentment and finger-pointing at God. when i could have just as easily traded it all in....for what she has.
what on earth was i thinking. it's MINE already...but i locked it out. i stiff-armed it all away. and i was left with the raging storm in my heart...and the endlessly choppy waters....and the black skies....she had everything....everything that i didn't have. and then she said, ".....and if i never have my own biological children....i have to believe that God is ...still good...."i felt such shame in that very instant.how as Christians....no. how did i get to a point in my faith where i fully believed that God is not good. what does the path look like....that winds around the difficult seasons of our lives...and takes us to places darker than ever before....at which "Y" in the road did i wander off in the wrong direction....i wonder exactly which crossroad took me to the idols of self...and doubt and desperation...and fierce indignant anger....when exactly did i sacrifice the bedrock of my beliefs for things so obviously outside of my control....at what point did getting out of the boat in the middle of the storm to walk on water....sound like a great idea, without God....?....when i believed that in my natural capabilities, i didn't need God to perform the supernatural....rather, i could do it all on my own...by my own rules...all by my perfect, fallen, sinful, self.....and i sank.
and i drowned.
and i died a million deaths this year.

i could have sworn each death was a piece of my faith...chipping away...proving fruitless...but He used it for my good....

Gen 50:20....but God meant it for my good...... the death was actually mine...a painful dying of my will...i could have learned faster...i could have cried 'uncle' sooner...but my CONTROL just wouldn't give way. so some deaths are slower than others...and sometimes we choose our torture. but under His watch -- we will all eventually die to self.....and that is always, ...always a good and glorious thing....
2 Cor 3: 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

I know it's a lot of reading, but there is so much to share. I sat there reading, tears sliding down my face, breathless. I could have written some of this with my own words. I have lived this with my own heart, and yet there are so many lessons here that I have yet to learn. I love the line where she asks "can I say thank you...while losing everything". Wow! Is that a powerful question or what. This question reminds me how much growing I still have to do in my faith. Saying thank you doesn't usually cross my mind when I am losing. I also love this... "....only to end up exactly...where i would be...had i never lifted a finger." This is me. I am exactly where I would have been, had I not lifted a finger. So many years and emotions and hopes and dreams and struggles and questions and arguments with God... only to be right where I am today, had I never lifted a finger. Amazing.

This peace that she talks about... this is what I have been searching for. I believe her when she says the we already have it.. I just can't seem to be able to figure out hom to grab onto it! I know I need to "die to self" as she speaks of but I struggle with how to let go and still be proactive about my health. I still have much to learn. Her words are inspiring to me. I have posted her link in my list.

"The rest is up to You"

Our day started at 5:30am! Ugh! We hit the road at 6am and the temp read 1! Brrr! We collected the sample at the RE's office and then went to Dennys for some breakfast. We returned to the clinic for our 9am appointment. Dr. McRae did the u/s first. There was only one mature follicle on the left side. This was a bit disappointing as we had double the dose of Clomid. She said the lining was nice and thick and that we were ready to go. Rich's s/a numbers were so great!! Below is a comparison.

Original Count:
Motility: last time 29% this time 45%
Morphology: last time 54% this time 83%
Count: lat time 19.4 million this time 30 million

Final Count after processing:
Motility: last time 43% this time 65%
Morphology: last time 65% this time 83%
Count: lat time 30.2 million this time 117.2 million

The counts were much better this time! YAY Richard! So she did the insemination, gave me the shot of hcg in my hiney and I stayed on the table for 10minutes and then we were on our way. Rich drove home and I laid down in the back seat. I was just praying and looked up to the heavens and thought, "the rest is up to you". That is the attitude that I am going to try to maintain during this 2ww. It's in God's hands now and if it was meant to happen then it will and if it wasn't then it won't. I was listening to "How Great is Our God" the other day and the tears were just falling. Our God is so great, and I know that He loves me so much, He only has plans to prosper and grow me and not plans to hurt or destroy me. I know that all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I know that He loves me and I am his daughter and that He will only do what is best for me.

We have come to a crossroad. A negative pregnancy test will take us down one road and a positive pregnancy test will take us down another. It's time for a change. We've been on this road way to long.

IUI #2

We are scheduled for our second IUI tomorrow, 01/02/07. What a way to start off a year!!

Update on this cycle for us… I started 100mg of Clomid in Jamaica and finished on cycle day 9. The side effects are TERRIBLE this time! The mood swings, the hot flashes and the worst is that I am having irrational fears and worrying about crazy things happening. I do this normally, but it seems like the meds are just making it so much worse. I have come to a point that I am ready to say that we are done. We will do this IUI tomorrow, but after that I think we will be done. This is the first time in 5 years that I have been ready to say “The End”. It’s not the “ahhhhhhhhh” kind of peace that I have been praying for, it more like I just can’t do this anymore. It has been such a long long road, and I am out of gas. The emotional and physical strength just isn’t in me anymore. I’m tired of the doctor appointments, the 90 minute drive three and four times a month, the shots, the meds, the thermometer, the u/s, all of it. I just can’t do it anymore. I cannot deal with the heartache and let down that I prepare myself for each month. I spend two weeks telling myself that I am not pregnant, so don’t get your hopes up… and then it is just overwhelming devastation each month. It’s something that I cannot prepare my heart for. My head knows, but my heart just won’t accept it, and I just can’t take the heartache anymore. We won’t do anything to prevent for a while, but in my head, I am giving up. I am not going to say we are done TTC and then play the TTC game anyway. “Well maybe since we aren’t ‘trying’ it will happen”. Nope, we are done. This is what we are thinking for now. I don’t know what the RE will have to say about it, she may be able to talk me out of it, but right now I just don’t think I can keep this up.

I will try and post the sperm counts tomorrow and let you all know how it goes. It's all or nothing for us tomorrow!