IUI #2

We are scheduled for our second IUI tomorrow, 01/02/07. What a way to start off a year!!

Update on this cycle for us… I started 100mg of Clomid in Jamaica and finished on cycle day 9. The side effects are TERRIBLE this time! The mood swings, the hot flashes and the worst is that I am having irrational fears and worrying about crazy things happening. I do this normally, but it seems like the meds are just making it so much worse. I have come to a point that I am ready to say that we are done. We will do this IUI tomorrow, but after that I think we will be done. This is the first time in 5 years that I have been ready to say “The End”. It’s not the “ahhhhhhhhh” kind of peace that I have been praying for, it more like I just can’t do this anymore. It has been such a long long road, and I am out of gas. The emotional and physical strength just isn’t in me anymore. I’m tired of the doctor appointments, the 90 minute drive three and four times a month, the shots, the meds, the thermometer, the u/s, all of it. I just can’t do it anymore. I cannot deal with the heartache and let down that I prepare myself for each month. I spend two weeks telling myself that I am not pregnant, so don’t get your hopes up… and then it is just overwhelming devastation each month. It’s something that I cannot prepare my heart for. My head knows, but my heart just won’t accept it, and I just can’t take the heartache anymore. We won’t do anything to prevent for a while, but in my head, I am giving up. I am not going to say we are done TTC and then play the TTC game anyway. “Well maybe since we aren’t ‘trying’ it will happen”. Nope, we are done. This is what we are thinking for now. I don’t know what the RE will have to say about it, she may be able to talk me out of it, but right now I just don’t think I can keep this up.

I will try and post the sperm counts tomorrow and let you all know how it goes. It's all or nothing for us tomorrow!