A blog that touched me

I was chatting with a friend last night and she referred me to a list of TTC blogs. I started to brows through one and there were so many things that this Christian woman had written that touched me. I wanted to share some...

She writes"but each Christ follower (if you'd consider me that all along) has the day when they experience the depth and agony found during a crisis of faith. a crossroads. a decision.will i hinge my devotion...on winning my way?can i say thank you...while losing everything?will i believe what i cannot feel?will i surrender...even though, only a fool would go on fighting a war...when all of his weapons have been stripped of him.it took 46 months for me to realize, surrender isn't really a choice.take away my swords and shields and strength......and my options are pretty limited.i had met my match.to say i had lost control puts it too simply. it sounds so elementary.but control is all i've ever had.and so my loss is infinite. bottomless. consuming.almost as deep as my loss of fertility."

46 weeks of:
pills
shots
ultrasounds
blood drawings
sonograms
conference calls
dietary adjustments
suppliments
timed interourse
ovulation predictor kits
pregnancy tests
ovulation watches
ovulation monitors
saliva strips
holistic practitioners
artificial insemination
....only to end up exactly...where i would be...had i never lifted a finger....yes.2007 was tumultuous. exhausting. and all vanity.seeking to force the very thing that was never meant to be."

"and you can in a miraculous way, when you cannot even find the words to even express it, know when looking back across the plain of 2007, embrace that my life this year was no Plan B to God enthroned over all things.this was His perfect will for my life -- these were His plans for me to prosper.this was His divine way for caring for me.this was His best interest for me.the last 6 weeks have been an evolution of sorts...though surrender is humanly devastating...and crushing to the point of choosing death over it...we are all given perseverance in Christ Jesus."

"i pulled out my journal this morning and at the top, as i do every morning, wrote the date.December 31, 2007day #365 of 365.praise the LORD, i exhaled.but the devotional led me to I Peter 5:10 --And the God of all grace,who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,after you have suffered a little while,will himself restore youand make you strong,firm andsteadfast.....
though we suffer....
He is all grace.
He is all glory.....
in a sense....how can this not be acknowledged as the best year of my life...."

"we had the most heartfelt three hour lunch i think i've ever had.the four of us...perfect strangers...reaching out to each other in an effort to help.she had undergone an IUI the very day before on Saturday, yet, she ended up ministering to me in ways she'll probably never understand. i was so amped on talking her through the ropes...giving her advice...pumping her up with stats...high-fiving her on giving herself shots...telling her all the ways she could better evaluate her physical condition.......and it became painfully evident to me -- she simply didnt need it........her heart was as still, and crystal-clear as a placid lake at sunrise. she had it.she not only had it....she owned it. His peace.she had allowed herself to be captured by His everlasting peace......and i was captivated by her...or God in her...this freak thing that was going on with her...she was a boisterous, energetic, fun, outgoing, adorable 29-year old girl....yet in the weirdest way i've ever seen...perfectly quiet at the same time. her brain....was quiet. her heart....was still. her soul....was...at....rest.......and my heart ached instantly for all of it...there was so much about her attitude, her outlook, her council, her everything...that dripped of Christ. her husband is in the military so, essentially, ALL of her fertility treatments are free. she was on her 4th round of clomid (first three rounds she was unresponsive) and had done her trigger shot for the first time this past week. it was her first IUI. the military will only allow you to do 6 rounds of clomid. PERIOD. if she's not pregnant in 6 rounds....they automatically force you into IVF territory. and after extensive counsel from our pastoral staff and Christian counseling force at church -- they've already decided to forgo IVF. so basically she was looking down the barrel of a gun....with two months left of Clomid after this IUI.....and she's done. she kisses her human child-bearing capabilities goodbye. she's been trying for 1.5 years. and is about to see it through and have closure in 2mths if this doesn't work.....and the waters of her heart...are so perfectly calm."

"and i have no doubt she meant every word. and it was beyond astonishing to me. at first i wondered if she was crazy.for a women to be able to even utter these words in the depth of what has to be some of hardest moments of your life....being unable to BEAR CHILDREN....is only of God. his astonishing mercy poured out on her.....it left me speechless.and breathless.and awe-struck.she continued, "we've already signed up with an adoption agency and are probably looking at a 2-year waiting list...and we've just purchased a 5-bedroom house that we'd love to have children in...but if the IUIs don't work....i'll probably go back to work and make good use of my 2-year wait for a baby to be placed with us....

"not even a pinch of resentment. bitterness. eye-rolling. second-guessing. apprehension. discouragement. or disbelief.
....and i was fully dumb-founded. so deeply grateful for her witness....yet feeling so vile for the emotional freakshow i've put on over the last 9mths. my endless kicking and screaming and STRAIN and discontentment and finger-pointing at God. when i could have just as easily traded it all in....for what she has.
what on earth was i thinking. it's MINE already...but i locked it out. i stiff-armed it all away. and i was left with the raging storm in my heart...and the endlessly choppy waters....and the black skies....she had everything....everything that i didn't have. and then she said, ".....and if i never have my own biological children....i have to believe that God is ...still good...."i felt such shame in that very instant.how as Christians....no. how did i get to a point in my faith where i fully believed that God is not good. what does the path look like....that winds around the difficult seasons of our lives...and takes us to places darker than ever before....at which "Y" in the road did i wander off in the wrong direction....i wonder exactly which crossroad took me to the idols of self...and doubt and desperation...and fierce indignant anger....when exactly did i sacrifice the bedrock of my beliefs for things so obviously outside of my control....at what point did getting out of the boat in the middle of the storm to walk on water....sound like a great idea, without God....?....when i believed that in my natural capabilities, i didn't need God to perform the supernatural....rather, i could do it all on my own...by my own rules...all by my perfect, fallen, sinful, self.....and i sank.
and i drowned.
and i died a million deaths this year.

i could have sworn each death was a piece of my faith...chipping away...proving fruitless...but He used it for my good....

Gen 50:20....but God meant it for my good...... the death was actually mine...a painful dying of my will...i could have learned faster...i could have cried 'uncle' sooner...but my CONTROL just wouldn't give way. so some deaths are slower than others...and sometimes we choose our torture. but under His watch -- we will all eventually die to self.....and that is always, ...always a good and glorious thing....
2 Cor 3: 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

I know it's a lot of reading, but there is so much to share. I sat there reading, tears sliding down my face, breathless. I could have written some of this with my own words. I have lived this with my own heart, and yet there are so many lessons here that I have yet to learn. I love the line where she asks "can I say thank you...while losing everything". Wow! Is that a powerful question or what. This question reminds me how much growing I still have to do in my faith. Saying thank you doesn't usually cross my mind when I am losing. I also love this... "....only to end up exactly...where i would be...had i never lifted a finger." This is me. I am exactly where I would have been, had I not lifted a finger. So many years and emotions and hopes and dreams and struggles and questions and arguments with God... only to be right where I am today, had I never lifted a finger. Amazing.

This peace that she talks about... this is what I have been searching for. I believe her when she says the we already have it.. I just can't seem to be able to figure out hom to grab onto it! I know I need to "die to self" as she speaks of but I struggle with how to let go and still be proactive about my health. I still have much to learn. Her words are inspiring to me. I have posted her link in my list.