My Richard, my biggest supporter, my rock, on the day of our Recomittment Ceremony in August
Yes, life goes on. I had my well deserved cry, and picked myself up (with a little help) and life goes on. I thank God that Rich was home. He has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He has a way of comforting me in such an unconditional, unaccusatory, unjudgmental way. Rich’s main reason for not wanting to continue on with TTC is that it is so hard for him to watch me hurt so much. He hates seeing me become consumed with all that is TTC each month. So when the bad news comes each month, I try to be strong in front of him because I don’t want him to see how hurt I am. I don’t want him to say “I told you not to get your hopes up, I told you not to get so involved”. So I try and hold back, but when he hears the negative results, he comes to me in such a comforting, accepting way, and I know that he will hold me until I’m ready to let go. I can cry my heart out, and then he knows just when to pick me up and put me back on my feet so that we can move on. Without him, I would stay in that place and continue my pitty party and focus on the sadness, but he has a way of urging me on and before I know it… life has moved on.
We were faced with a decision after this last cycle. What is the next step? Are we done? Do we throw our hands up in defeat? Is this our NO from God? Do we take a few months off to regroup and relax? If we do that then the age difference between the children just grows. Do we go right into an injectable cycle? What next?
Well, I had prayed and prayed and asked God and asked Christian friends and analyzed and thought about it this way and thought about it that way… and I just could not make a decision. As I laid in my bed crying over our negative beta result on Tuesday, I knew that I just could not make this decision. All of the options were just like mush in my head, and nothing made sense. I looked at my Richard and said this “you are a Godly man, I know that you trust the Lord and I know that you seek him and you listen. I cannot make the decision on where to go from here. I cannot find an answer, so you are going to have to decide what is next.” And I would have followed him to the end of the Earth if that is what he said was next, I would have thrown in the towel and never tried to have another child if that is what he said. I was following, because I just didn’t know where to go. Hallelujah! Praise God that my husband loves me the way that he does. I’m not sure many men would put up with me!
Our next step is injectable medication. We have done 8 cycles of Clomid, 6 with timed intercourse and 2 with IUI. The two that we did with IUI I only developed one mature follicle. I have had as many as 4 mature follicles, but still no pregnancy. My RE suggested moving on to the injectable medication. She thinks that my ovaries will respond better to Follistim. I received the medication in the mail yesterday. I will start the injections tonight. I had my baseline scan today at the RE’s office. I went in at 8am for an ultra sound to check out their size and how many follicles there were. Today is cd3, the ovaries looked beautiful (the doctor actually smiled at the screen! He smiled at my ovaries!) the lining on the uterus looked fine. Each ovary had three small follicles. He said that was good. The nurse then drew an estrogen level and the RE said to start 75units of Follistim tonight and then I will go back on Tuesday for another scan and estrogen level.
I talked to my boss on Thursday and explained that I had some morning appointments over the next few weeks that I needed to make. I asked if it was ok for me to start my day later and then stay later and she said that was ok. I was glad that was not a problem. I am blessed to work for a pretty flexible company.
Rich said that we will do three cycles of the Follistim and if we are not pregnant by April we will be done. If it works, we will have a baby by the end of the year, if it doesn’t work, at least we have time to prepare ourselves for the closure in April.
God speaks to us in mysterious ways. Last night he used Greg Pratt from ER to speak to me. Dr. Pratt said something while counseling a patient that shot straight to my heart. The patient had said how he didn't understand why. Why!? He couldn't make sense of it all. And Dr. Pratt looks at him and says "it doesn't have to make sense, that is why it is called FAITH." It doesn't have to make sense, that is why it is called faith.
We were faced with a decision after this last cycle. What is the next step? Are we done? Do we throw our hands up in defeat? Is this our NO from God? Do we take a few months off to regroup and relax? If we do that then the age difference between the children just grows. Do we go right into an injectable cycle? What next?
Well, I had prayed and prayed and asked God and asked Christian friends and analyzed and thought about it this way and thought about it that way… and I just could not make a decision. As I laid in my bed crying over our negative beta result on Tuesday, I knew that I just could not make this decision. All of the options were just like mush in my head, and nothing made sense. I looked at my Richard and said this “you are a Godly man, I know that you trust the Lord and I know that you seek him and you listen. I cannot make the decision on where to go from here. I cannot find an answer, so you are going to have to decide what is next.” And I would have followed him to the end of the Earth if that is what he said was next, I would have thrown in the towel and never tried to have another child if that is what he said. I was following, because I just didn’t know where to go. Hallelujah! Praise God that my husband loves me the way that he does. I’m not sure many men would put up with me!
Our next step is injectable medication. We have done 8 cycles of Clomid, 6 with timed intercourse and 2 with IUI. The two that we did with IUI I only developed one mature follicle. I have had as many as 4 mature follicles, but still no pregnancy. My RE suggested moving on to the injectable medication. She thinks that my ovaries will respond better to Follistim. I received the medication in the mail yesterday. I will start the injections tonight. I had my baseline scan today at the RE’s office. I went in at 8am for an ultra sound to check out their size and how many follicles there were. Today is cd3, the ovaries looked beautiful (the doctor actually smiled at the screen! He smiled at my ovaries!) the lining on the uterus looked fine. Each ovary had three small follicles. He said that was good. The nurse then drew an estrogen level and the RE said to start 75units of Follistim tonight and then I will go back on Tuesday for another scan and estrogen level.
I talked to my boss on Thursday and explained that I had some morning appointments over the next few weeks that I needed to make. I asked if it was ok for me to start my day later and then stay later and she said that was ok. I was glad that was not a problem. I am blessed to work for a pretty flexible company.
Rich said that we will do three cycles of the Follistim and if we are not pregnant by April we will be done. If it works, we will have a baby by the end of the year, if it doesn’t work, at least we have time to prepare ourselves for the closure in April.
God speaks to us in mysterious ways. Last night he used Greg Pratt from ER to speak to me. Dr. Pratt said something while counseling a patient that shot straight to my heart. The patient had said how he didn't understand why. Why!? He couldn't make sense of it all. And Dr. Pratt looks at him and says "it doesn't have to make sense, that is why it is called FAITH." It doesn't have to make sense, that is why it is called faith.
I thank you so much for all of your prayers and your support. It really is great to know that we have people around us praying and encouraging us. Please continue to pray that I hold on to the peace that God has given me and not to let myself get wrapped up in obsession. Pray that I continue to have faith that God is in control and He loves me and He will only do what is best for me and my family.
2 comments:
YAY! I am happy for you, so happy. You are so blessed to have such a husband to support you, to lift you up when you need it and to just be there holding you when you need that.
I am here anytime you need me. I hope that I can be even a fraction of the friend you have been to me. I love you!
I am so glad you have the joy and peace of a hubby who is loving you, supporting you, and with you in all of this. I love to hear the praise you are doting on your hubby in this "storm" and unknowing time.
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