Another chapter

Hello again! We are back to life in the real world! We got home on Saturday and then went right into the full swing of Christmas. Kinda crazy! I am 11dpo, tested today on Rich's birthday hoping to give him a great birthday present, and BFN. It was the first time that I have felt like I have failed him. I guess before I just felt like we were failing, but when he looked at me standing in the bathroom doorway with a HPT in my hand and said "Are you pregnant?" with such excitement in his voice, I felt like all of the power was in my hands, and I just can't make it happen. I know, I know, it takes two, but today I felt like the failure.

Next month will be our last month for the Clomid. Then my OB wants to "discuss further testing". I'm not sure what we will do at that point.

When I have thought about how God will reveal his glory to me, I have always envisioned a baby or peace that there will be no baby. I am beginning to think that perhaps neither will be my answer. I am starting to feel the teeniest tiniest seed of acceptance being planted in my heart. Not that overwhelming peace that I have so been longing for, but an acceptance that this is what God's plan is for us, and somehow he will get us through it. I was really hoping for that feeling of comfort and peace, but in a situation such as this, maybe that just doesn't happen.

I have talked to a few friends of mine about this peace. One friend was never able to have children, and one friend had just one. They both talked about a longing that never goes away. A peace that never comes. With tears in their eyes, they talked about how they have just accepted the life that has been given to them, and that when they get to heaven, they will know why. When I heard their hurt that has remained a part of them for so many, many years, I thought that my God would not do that to me. My God would never let me hurt and remain in a state of utterly and completely not understanding his will. He will reveal his will and his glory to me, right!? Isn't that the verse that has kept me going for years. That light at the end of the tunnel... Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange we happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed to you on earth. That is the verse right... and again, that small voice whispers... No my child, not everything is revealed to you in this lifetime, listen to me: Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange we happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. Look for the small difference. I have been clinging to the promise that He will let me in on His plan and that He would do it soon. Perhaps I will never know this side of heaven why I long for four children but am only able to have three. Am I ready to accept that?

Sometimes my head knows things before my heart. I think that is where I am now. In a state of knowing, but in a time of still hoping. So for now, I'm keeping hope alive.

Paradice here we come!

This is where we will be spending the next week... Paradice! I hope the rest and relaxation does us all some good. I am looking forward to spending some time living life in the slow lane with my family!

I forgot to take my fertility monitor test this morning with the first pee of the day like you are supposed to. I tested at 10:30 and still got the high reading. I was thankful that I didn't get a peak yet. I just hope it was accurate. I have been having ovulation pains so I know ovulation is on the way. I just hope I hold off for a few more days. I did an OPK and it was -, it was an internet cheapie, so I hope it is accurate! A friend on an infertility board I frequent told me to bring back an "island baby". I love the thought of an island baby!! If I get pregnant on this trip that is what we will call the baby, an island baby! How fun would that be!! Ohhhhhhhhh how I would love that! To finally be done playing this game and have that happy ending. It is inevitable that we will all stop playing this game at some point, some with happy endings, and some will just end. I want the happy ending! I know that I am blessed to have the family that I have, and whatever the outcome of this journey for another child, I know we will live happily ever after.

I will be updating my BBT Chart while we are away. You can link it through the link on the right. If you are a "chart stalker" as I am, you can check that out each day. Watch for that big jump in temp, that will be the day of ovulation.

High already??

Cycle day 10 for me. I am using a fertility monitor (pictured left) this cycle. This detects estrogen as well as the LH hormone so it gives you a wider range of probable conception dates. Once the test reads an increase in estrogen, it gives you a high reading to let you know that your body is preparing to ovulate. Once it detects the LH hormone, it gives you a peak reading telling you that you will ovulate in the next 24-36 hours. Today, on cycle day 10, I got a high reading. What the heck!!! My normal ovulation day is cd14-cd16. On my first round of Clomid last month, I ovulated on cd12, not cool. With a traveling husband, you have to be able to prepare for these things!! Essentially a "high" reading just means that an elevated level of estrogen has been detected, and does not mean that I will ovulate in the next few days. However, it does mean that my estrogen level is increasing in preparation for ovulation. I just hope and pray that my body waits for my husband on Friday! I really am tired of playing these Reindeer Games! I have one more cycle of Clomid and then my OB wants to do "further testing". I told Rich that I think we should just set a projected date for me to start smoking again and call it quits. I was joking...kinda.

On a much less stressful note... we are leaving for a Christmas trip to Cancun Mexico soon, so I will try to update, but I am making no promises. Just pray that the little eggie or eggies as it may be, will stay tucked away and not come out until the spermies are available to come out and play! Getting pregnant in Cancun would be a very happy ending to this story!

Lana and LeLe

I attend small group each Tuesday night at the home of my Pastor his wife, Becky and their 5 children. Last year they adopted a child from Kazakhstan. This process brought Becky and I to become friends. Once they were home with Lana, I visited each week, just to chat with Becky and watch Lana in awe. She is a beautiful little girl and has had my heart in the palm of her hand since the day I set eyes on her very first picture.
I was over at their home last night and Lana was babbling, as toddlers do. However, when Lana babbles, it seems as though she is speaking Chinese. It is so funny! She just goes on and on like she knows exactly what she is saying!

Last night I had a dream that Rich and I adopted a baby girl from China. Her name was Lye, but she was called LeLe. I have to acredit this dream to Lana's Chinese babble!

Rich and I have talked about adoption, and I just don't think it is for me. There are so many elements of pregnancy that I enjoy, that is one of the reasons that we are "trying" again. Also adoption is so very expensive! Although, if I could be guarenteed that I would get a little girl just like Lana, I would do it in a heartbeat, but Lana is definetly one of a kind, crafted by the Father from the begining to be a Stewart.

I am blessed to have been a part of her life. She amazes me, intreguies me. I love to just watch what she does and I often wonder what is going through her mind. I don't remember watching my own children with such intensity and curiosity. I think part of the reason is that my children were all small at the same time. I was lucky to get to brush my teeth on some days! Yet another motivation for wanting another child. To take each minute and just savor the moment, to make each minute a permanent picture in my memory.

I start Clomid again tomorrow. Same dose as last month. I'm a bit worried about the side effects, I have been a bit stressed and testy already, without the added hormones!! There will be no blood work this cycle, as we will be in Cancun when I am due for it. So my OB said to chart and watch for the temp spike and hopefully we won't have to worry about b/w anymore!! So on we go to another chapter. Please continue to keep us in your prayers!!

Well she's here

AF made her grand arrival today. I'm not surprised... it still sucks but I'm not surprised. That's one of the benifits of being a POAS addict (pee on a stick or taking a pregnancy test), you know when AF will show, plus my temp took a nosedive this am. I'm just glad to have a new cycle, and get on with the show!! I'll call my OB in the morning and I'm assuming that we will do a repeat of the 50mg of Clomid, cd5-9. According to my dates, I should ovulate when we are in Cancun. Fun, but challenging when you are sharing a room with three kids!!

Thanks for journeying through my first cycle of Clomid with me! I hope you stay around long enough to celebrate the victory of His glory being revealed, whatever that may be!