My stat counter continues to go up... are you still coming here? Checking on me? That is sweet... and surprising. I have thought many times about something I want to write here. Things I should share, things I want to post... but I just never seem to make it here.
It's still raw.
It's still hard.
But there are good days.
And there are days that I don't think about a baby.
And there are days that my heart still breaks, and my soul still yearns, and I still lose my breath.
There are still Daddies pulling toddlers in little red wagons.
There are still babies at Kohls shopping with their mommies.
There are still strollers everywhere at the mall on a Wednesday afternoon.
There are still toddler bible song cassett tapes in my house.
Two weeks ago I threw them out.
I will never have those moments again.
*poof*
all the wind leaves my lungs... all the breath is stolen by those thoughts and by those moments
I went to my last day of kindergarten this week. Family fun day! My little Drew buddy sang his little songs and did his little play... and today I dropped them off for their last day of school. No more kindergarten for me. No hope of another family fun day invitation with a 6 year old's handwritten "Yippee!". I shake my head in disbelief, and another tiny crack splits my heart.
They grow up so fast. I cannot believe that in three short months I will have a 6th grader. I think that it is a bit harder to deal with that, knowing that I don't have another chance. Knowing that my baby days are over. Knowing that my kids are getting so big, and so independant, and growing up... and there will not be another little one for me to cuddle and love and take to their first day of school.
This is a healing process and I am still processing. I am healing, but still hurting. I wish that we could have made that decision, and all of the wants and desires for another child would go away. I wish that with that decision, all of the pain and longing would go away, but it doesn't. I'm not sure that it ever completly will.
