You know what honks me off? It honks me off when I am visiting a blog (which I do wayyyy to often) and I see a title in the sidebar of what appears to be an interesting blog title. Something like... Desperately Seeking Baby or Wanting 2 lines or Still Waiting. The title will intrigue me, so I will click to see if their story is anything like mine. I wait for the page to load (which takes forever because my PC is a POC) and lo and behold there are pics of a newborn, or worse yet, pics of like a 6 month old! Can someone please tell me why these women have not changed the name of their blog? HELLO!! You have had 9 months of pregnancy and 6 months of a newborn, you are not waiting or wanting, or seeking anything! You've got it! And now I have clicked on your blog and yet again have been reminded that most people that try to have a child for more than 5 YEARS usually have a victory to celebrate. A miracle to hold, a dream come true. Nope, not me... no baby for me in the past 5 YEARS!!! Could you please change the name of your blog to something more appropriate like Don't Click Here If You are Infertile and Won't Ever Have the Chance At Another Child. That would be wonderful.
You know what else honks me off? When people don't post any pictures on their entire blog. I don't know why, but it totally annoys me.
Ok, on to another subject... I was at my mom's a month or so ago, and this picture was laying face down on her hallway floor...
This is a picture of my Kait when she was a baby. I picked up that picture and it was like someone had kicked the wind out of me. She is so precious, and so beautiful, and so everything that I wish I had the chance to do again. My mom had no explination on how it got there or why.
My endo is getting worse rapidly. Each cycle is terribly worse than the last. I haven't contacted my RE because I know what the treatment is... hysterectomy. That or pregnancy is the only cure for endo. With that decision coming at us quicker than we would like we are left to evaluate if we are ready to be that done. We have talked about IVF, researched it, prayed about it, and I know you will be surprised to hear that the answers have not come.
A part of me says that I should just move on and a part of me says that I need to give it all I got. There is never a day that goes by that I do not thank God for the three beautiful miracles that sleep so snug in their bed each night. I am so so thankful that God blessed me with them and that they are perfect and healthy and bless my life each and every day. There is a part of me that feel that should be enough.
Then there is the part of me that longs for another miracle. Can't God see how much we all want this? Can't He see how different it would be for Rich and I to share our lives with a child? Can't He see how my children want another sibling? Can't He see how much we would love this child? And you say, of course He can see. God knows all, He sees things that I could never see, He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to help me and not to harm me, plans for a great future. I know that. I just wish I understood what He wanted us to do.
I wonder about what kind of life our baby would have at this point in the game. That baby would one day become a toddler and then a child. I wonder how things would work out when he was 8 and Drew was 16, Khloe 18 and Kait already off to college. What kind of relationship would he have with his older siblings at that point? I don't want an only child. I want for our family to be enriched. How would it change our family dynamic? Right now all of the kids are so close in age, I don't know how having on pulling up the rear would work out.
I found another picture at my dad's house last weekend. I was sitting on the porch outside, in a rocking chair, and the picture was again Kait, at about the same age as the first picture. Same chubby cheeks, same little pink lips and big brown eyes. Same random way. Is God sending me messages from Heaven or am I losing my mind?
