Hit me baby one more time!

Af is on her way for her monthly visit. She is so rude to come over uninvited. We have some updates to share. Rich finally had his testing done, and all of his results were within normal range so that was good news!! Swim spermies, swim! I heard from my OB this afternoon and they are going to double my dose of Clomid and exten my 3 cycles to 4 since my progesterone level was questionable last cycle. So we will do this last Clomid cycle, and then I believe we will be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

I have come to appreciate the reproductive system so much on this journey. It is amazing that we have been blessed with three beautiful, healthy children, two when we weren’t even trying! I look at them every day and thank God for the family that he has blessed me with. I come in contact with people who are battling infertility just as I am, but have never had a child of their own, and I just can’t imagine that. I am so thankful for the three children that God has entrusted to me. I am also unendingly thankful for the wonderful husband that God has chosen for me. His strength and support through all of these trials has amazed me. He has been there for me every step of the way, and I am so thankful for all of his love and support. I couldn’t do this without him… obviously! :-)

Prayers

What more could I ask for right now than for friends to lift me up in prayer? This prayer came to me this afternoon from my dear friend Becky:

Oh Heavenly Father, my dear sister, Kari, is very hurt....she does not understand Your love and she does not understand Your will for her life.....everythingis now pointing to another month of no baby and she is only human....she is hurting and does not understand. She is not praying for riches......she is praying for another life to love and to raise to know You. None of this makes sense and it hurts......please Lord,somehow in all of this, make Yourself real toKari.....may she sense Your presence, Your love and even Your approval of her. Help her to somehow find the courage to trust when it does not make sense to do so. She wants to give You glory, but does not know how to do this amidst her pain and sorrow......minister to her as a Father who loves herin a way she does not fully comprehend today because of all the disappointment this life has brought to her even in what she has known as a "father". May she somehow know You in a deeper way that she can onlyexplain by Your power working in her.

In Jesus' Name.....Amen

Hitting a brick wall

Morning all. I got my progesterone results, 13.7, not pretty. They want to see over 15 on a medicated cycle. My last one was 56. So I made an appt to see my OB on Monday to discuss "further options". I thik my emotions are so intense in all of this because it is not only an emotional battle of wanting another child, it is a spiritual battle as well. Pray for me, it has been a rough week.

Fathers

Do I trust my heavenly Father? This question came to me tonight after my small group study and discussion. I know that I have faith in my Father above. Faith is the deliberate confidence in a God that you cannot see and may not understand at the time. I have faith in my Father. I do not understand what he is doing with my life and emotions right now, but I have faith that whatever his plans for me are, that I will be okay. I have faith that he will take care of me. I have confidence that at any given moment he could place a life within me. I believe that God holds all things in his hands and that he has the ability to do whatever he wants whenever he wants it to be done. I know that God loves me.

But do I trust him?

When I think of this concept, it is hard for me. I have two earthly fathers. I have since I was a tiny baby. I have a biological father and a step father. My biological father was an every other weekend dad. Nothing more, nothing less. He picked me up every other Friday night and he took me home every other Sunday night. Nothing more, nothing less. I believe that he loved me in his own way. He was good to me when I was at his house, but I don't remember him being affectionate, loving or interested. I don't remember trusting him. I don't remember trusting him with my emotions. I don't remember expecting him to be more or do more than he did, just the bare minimum. My step father was abusive both physicall and mentally. He was never affectionate. He was mean and hateful. I was scared of him. I don't remember ever trusting him or even wanting to. As I have grown older, my relationships with both of my fathers have changed. We have been through some hard times, and we have mended some fences. I have forgiven both of them for past mistakes and that was a healthy thing for me to do.

However, do I trust them?

If I have never trusted an earthly father, do I trust my Father in heaven? Faith... believing... confidence... I feel these are very different than trust.

Do I trust my heavenly Father?

Waiting...

We are waiting. Waiting to see what the future has in store for the Dixon family. I am currently 6dpo~ translated six days past ovulation. Fertilization would have taken place. That's the part where the sperm meets the egg, they fall in love and unite to live happily ever after. At this point, and the little embryo would be making it's way to my uterus to find a nice warm cozy place to settle in for a nice winter's nap. I keep visualizing that, and hoping that is what is occuring inside of my body. Oh how I wish I had a machine so that I could just peek in and see for myself!!

Drew told his Sunday school teacher to pray for me today, because we want a baby. How sweet is that! He would make a wonderful big brother! I hope he has that chance.

I have my bloodwork done tomorrow, I will post when I have the numbers.

A house full of children

I would like a house full of children. Perhaps this many children may be a few to many, but oh what fun it would be!!

We had the privilege of babysitting Lana on Saturday and we all had so much fun! It was great to have a toddler in the house again! The kids were so good with her, always right there to help out! Just makes me want to give them a sibling that much more! On Sunday, I held Nevaeh, a brand new baby girl. I cried. I couldn’t help it, she was so beautiful and so small and so perfect! I was so embarrassed, but I cried. I feel so guilty that in my joy for others, my sadness seeps in. It doesn’t seem to matter what the situation, the sight of a new baby breaks my heart in two. I hate that! Will that ever go away?

We will be heading to Chicago this weekend for some BDing! Rich is working up there and he has to be there all weekend. I should ovulate somewhere between Friday and Monday, so we will be heading north!

I have an appointment on the 22nd to have my progesterone level drawn, I should have those results on the 23rd. I should know by the first of February if I am pregnant, and if I am not, I will see my OB in early February to discuss where to go from here.

January marks the 48th cycle of trying to conceive a child. 48 two week waits, 48 months of that dream month after month… will this be the month? 48 heartbreaks, 48 devastations when the answer is no. Countless OPKs, countless HPTs, countless one lines, countless prayers sent to God from countless friends. Countless prayers sent to God by a mother that thanks him enormously for the blessing that my three children have been, and that request for one more… one more miracle God, just one more miracle. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippiams 6:6,7 When will my peace come?