RE, here I come!

I had my appointment with my OB yesterday. Nothing to exciting to report. They took my blood for the cd21 progesterone draw, I should have those results Monday. I met with the doc, and she said that she would recommend Clomid for another few months and she would like to do a HSG. Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that examines the inside of uterus and fallopian tubes and the surrounding area. It often is done for women who are unable to become pregnant (infertile). During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye called contrast material is injected through a thin tube that is inserted through the vagina into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are connected, the contrast material will flow into the fallopian tubes. As the contrast material passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes, continuous X-ray pictures are taken. The pictures can reveal problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or blockage that would prevent an egg passing through a fallopian tube from reaching the uterus. Blockage also could prevent sperm from traveling into a fallopian tube and fertilizing an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may detect abnormalities on the inside of the uterus that might prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall. See an illustration of a hysterosalpingogram. (taken from webmd)

I am scheduled for the HSG March 9th. She said that if all appears normal, she would then refer me to an RE. I called the RE's office that I had been in contact with last week, and scheduled and appointment for the 23rd. That appointment is a 2 hour appointment to take a history and develop a game plan. I am looking forward to that!

In the meantime, I will not be continuing the Clomid. The side effects were just to much. I have a herbal supplement called Ovulex that I have about a months worth of, and I will take that next month in addition to an herbal FertiliTea. This next cycle should be a bit of a relaxation before we start with the RE.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Aren't we a cute couple!? We make really cute babies!!

The title is a sigh of relief and relaxation. Things are pretty quiet on the TTC front. This month has actually been quite relaxing. I know that I am not pregnant, so there is not all of the stress and worry in the 2 week wait. Kinda freeing! I have my blood work and meet with my OB on Wednesday. I am looking forward to that. I have also been in contact with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I found out that my insurance will cover all appointments with her at 80%. If we decide to move ahead with the IUI (inter uterine insemination) that will also be covered at 80%. IVF is also covered up to 4 cycles. While we will not do IVF, it is amazing to find out that we have such amazing coverage. I had gotten a print out from out insurance last year, but I must have misread things, because I thought we had a $1000 max for infertility coverage. Come to find out, we have no max at all. So that was definitely good news. My OB does IUIs, so I'm not sure if we will continue treatment with her or change over to the RE. I'll know more after the appt on Wednesday.

Our Pastor's message spoke to me yesterday and got my mind going. He was asking what is it that you need to give up. What is that you love more than God. What is it that you just need to turn over to God. So I have been thinking... Do I hold on too tightly to trying to have a baby month after month? Have I turned it over to God 100%? Do I love the concept of having another baby more than God? Do I put that before God? Do I spend more time in my day thinking of TTC and all that goes along with it than I spend thinking about God and all the good he has done for me? Am I happy with today or am I constantly looking into tomorrow? Do I live in the moment and appreciate it for all that it's worth, or do I dwell on the things I don't have? I know that I have given this battle to God, but how many times have I taken it back? If we do IUI is that trying to override/rush God's timing? Should we just stop all of this? Should we go ahead with the IUI if Rich is out of town during our fertile time?

I know the answers to some of these questions, some I am still thinking about.

Love, God

You know you have really frustrated God when he sends you an e-mail. I got this in an e-mail today...

Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you.

P.S. And, remember...If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself !! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have touched their life in ways you will never know! Now, you have a nice day,
God

Just say "NO!"

Just say "No!" to drugs! I am done! Done with the Clomid. Four cycles. This cycle was double the dose, triple the hot flashes! I am relieved to be done with all of the hormones. As if I didn't have enough already... excess can mess you up! I'm hoping to find my sanity again (yeah, right) and to start wearing pajamas to bed again. I have to sleep naked as to not self ignite from the hot flashes.

Richard and I had a great weekend. We had lots of fun trying to catch that egg, unfortunately, the egg did not want to come out and play. Sperm can live for up to 5 days inside the female body, so I guess technically we aren't out of the game, but I'm not feeling hopeful. I have not even gotten a + OPK yet... so the big O is still days off. So much for double the dose of Clomid. I will have blood drawn on the 21st to confirm ovulation, then I will be asking my OB for a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I think we may try a few IUIs. We will just have to get all of the details.

Well that is all there is to report. I'll let you know when I ovulate. Well see then if there is any chance for a baby this month.

Obsessed

As if I wasn't obsessed enough... I have become obsessed with reading TTC blogs (TTC is infertile lingo for trying to conceive). I bet I have read 50 of these blogs this week. Some with happy endings, some with ongoing quest to the center of the egg. I find comfort knowing that others are going through what I am going through, and others have some of the same feelings that I have. It is interesting to watch other peoples lives play out. It interesting to me to stumble upon a blog that was started back in 2005. I start at the beginning and it’s like reading a novel, except it’s someone’s real life. It’s interesting to see their struggles way back when and to see what is going on in their lives today. It is interesting to see the “whys” of what God does. Something that may not have made sence in 2005, but as you read today’s blog entry, you understand the “whys”. I wish I could look at what my blog will look like two years from now. I wish I could read it from beginning to end and to understand the whys of 2005, 2006, 2007. I am going to start liking some of my favorites on the side.

Richard is on his way home for the weekend. We have plans to go out with friends Saturday night, and to celebrate Valentine’s Day then too. He will be leaving on Monday morning for 2 weeks in Minnesota. I am done with the Clomid. Pray that little eggie will come out this weekend!!! Swim spermies swim!!

Tears from my heart

Well the double dose of Clomid is underway. I started taking it on the third day of my cycle as to try and trick my body to ovulate early. Rich will be home Fri, Sat, Sun and then he is off on a jet plane for 10 hours away. I have been hoping and praying that I ovulate before he leaves. I just have to trust that God knows all of the details and that if we were meant to get pregnant this month then God will see that gets done. He knows that dates, he knows the situation, and He will work it all out. If this is another month of no pregnancy for me I think I will ask my OB for a referral to a RE. We will have to see what the cost are to get going with a RE, then see if that is something that we want to do. I really feel like I am just running out of strength. January marked 4 years of TTC for us. I have been charting for over a year and each month I remember where I was the year before on that month, and I just feel helpless. I feel like there is no hope left inside of me for this to happen, and acceptance creeps in that we may never get to enjoy another child. It is an acceptance covered in pain and sorrow and regret, but it is acceptance just the same.

I just can't seem to understand it though. I ask God for another child and month after month he tells me "No." I just want to scream "WHY NOT!!!?" Why not? We are good parents. We are bringing our children up in a Christian home to know him and to honor him and to teach others about him. We love our children, they love us. We provide for them a good home, they have college funds. They have closets full of clothes. We pray together. We love eachother. On paper it all looks so good. We look perfectly qualified to have another child. So why does God keep saying no? Am I not a good enough mother? Do I not hug my children enough, do I not tell them I love them enough? Is is because I work outside the home? Is it becuase Rich is gone so much? Is that why God won't give us another? Because he isn't satisfied with the way we are caring for the ones we have? I just cannot understand it. I just don't understand.

I know I have to trust Him. I know that he knows things that I could not possibly know. Maybe if we had another child s/he would have severe physical problems that would be to much for me to deal with. Maybe God knows that it would be to hard on Rich to have a baby at home that he does not get to kiss good-night each night. Maybe God knows that Khloe would be extremly jelous and it would be bad for her. Maybe God knows... I know he knows all. I know that He knows what is best for me and my family. I know that He will do what is in his perfect will for us. I just wish my head would tell my heart.

I long to hold my child. I long to look into their eyes and know that they came straight from God. I long to smell her. I long to nurse her. I long to watch her grow. I long to see my husband holding that tiny baby. I long to see what wonderful big sisters and one excited big brother my kids would be. I long for a nursery. I long for tiny diapers. I long to watch my belly grow. I long to feel the child that Rich and I and God created move inside of me for the first time. I long for labor. I long for excited Grandparents. I long for the sweet smell of milk on his breath. I long for middle of the night feedings. I long for baby food and rice cereal. How long will this feeling last? Have I given up on that peace that I long for?

A baby, or peace God, this is the cry of my heart, a baby or peace, please...