Questions with and without answers

in·fer·tile Pronunciation: (')in-'f&r-t&lFunction: adjectiveEtymology: Middle French, from Late Latin infertilis, from Latin in- + fertilis fertile: not fertile or productive ; especially : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy - in·fer·til·i·ty /"in-(")f&r-'ti-l&-tE/ noun

Infertility is the inability to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months of unprotected intercourse.

"How can you say you are infertile when you have three children?" I have had this question asked to me. By the definition from our good friend Webster, I am infertile. Grasping this reality has been devastating, devaluing, and left me with a feeling of helplessness. "Can't you just be thankful for the children that you have?" I thank God every single night for the three miracles that sleep down the hall tucked away in their warm beds. I am more thankful for them now than I ever would have been had I not traveled the road of infertility. I have come to appreciate the reproductive system so much more since all of my study and research about conception and I realize how truly blessed we are to have three healthy, beautiful children. "Isn't three enough?" All I can say to this question is that there is a strong longing in my heart for another child. It is actually very hard for me to put into words how I feel about this. It is though there is a part of me that is incomplete. A piece missing. It breaks my heart to think that I would never feel another child growing and moving inside of me. I long to nurse a baby again. I day dream about what another creation of Rich and I would look like, what their personality would be. Will these feelings go away if we have another child? Would these feelings go away if we didn't? I don't know the answer to that question.

I think that many people believe that our prayer is "God give us another baby." It is not. That is not our prayer. My constant prayer has been "God please bless our family with one more miracle, but if that is not your will, please give me the peace in my heart that it is ok that I will not have another baby. Give me the peace that settles my desire for another child." I pray for that peace all of the time and it just doesn't come. I pray for a baby and I get another negative pregnancy test . I just feel like shouting "God!!! This is not multiple choice!!! This is a baby or peace... Please!!! Give me a baby or give me peace!!!" And neither come... I just feel him say "In my time daughter, in my time, not yours". It is a constant struggle. I have found great comfort in 1 Peter 4:12-13- Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. Right now we are just waiting for his glory to be revealed, in whatever what he chooses to reveal it to us.